Stressed and alone

Posted on by Tori

“I can’t talk to my mom; we always fight.”  “Dad would kill me if he knew.”  “Mom and I used to be close, but not since she remarried.”  “I can’t talk to my parents about this.”   These are all things teens have said or written to me in the last year.  To be honest, my own children have had occasions when they felt they could not talk to me or their dad honestly about some significant struggle they were facing.   As an adult who seems pretty approachable (at least to other people’s kids), I’ve had conversations with young people who are floundering,  wondering how to answer the major questions of life that they are facing, struggling with how to handle the feelings of hurt and devastation that come in the course of  human relationships.  These teens too often feel unequipped and unsupported, left to navigate adult worries and stresses alone.   How can we as adults come alongside our own teens, and the friends of our teens that come into our homes and our lives?  First, we have to understand their inner world.

I read a book a while back that I recommend to parents, educators, and youth leaders, called “Hurt:  Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers.”  It really opened my eyes to the sense of abandonment that many teens have.  Adults are often too busy with their own jobs, concerns, and relationships to really make time to listen with an open heart and mind to teens.

I am guessing that parents reading this blog care deeply about their kids, and want to have a close relationship with them.  Maybe the cares of life have indeed robbed you that all-important building block of relationship:  TIME with them.  It happens without us realizing it.  Or maybe you, like me,  have been through periods where you are shut out by your teen.  That doesn’t remove their need for mentors and role models.  In short, they need to know that they matter in this stressful, driven, achievement-oriented world.  Keep loving, caring, and listening.  Don’t give up.  Try to understand their world.  And consider being that caring adult to someone else’s child.  Maybe an adult will be that person in your child’s life:  a respected teacher, caring neighbor, the mom or dad of a friend, a youth leader.

A Simple Key to Keeping Your Kids Safe

Posted on by Tori

Like many of you, I found it a struggle to have regular family meals during my kids’ teen years.  There were softball games to attend, piano lessons, Dad’s out of town business trips, and so on.  It was so much easier to just call home and tell the family “you’re on your own; pull out the leftovers.”  One thing that we DID do, though, was have a regular (4 or 5 times a week) “family time” later at night.  I’m glad that we had those regular times to engage with our children.  It turns out that regular family time (and for most families, that’s a family meal together) is STRONGLY connected with better outcomes for teens.  An important study that just came out points out that “a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so….Our surveys have consistently found that the more often children have dinners with their parents, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs, and that parental engagement fostered around the dinner table is one of the most potent tools to help.”  Did you get that?  Potent, according to Dictionary.com, means powerful, mighty, having or exercising great power or influence.  If you think it’s the gourmet meal that matters, it’s not.  If all you can manage is opening a can of chili, throwing on some grated cheese, and slicing up a few apples, that’s OK!  The point is to have time to interact, and the study points out that  “Three in four teens report that they talk to their parents about what’s going on in their lives during dinner.”

Competing with Media for Your Child’s Time?

Posted on by Tori

Did you know that a recent Kaiser Foundation study found that “young people (8 to 18) spend an average of 53 hours a week using electronic media?”  It may not surprise you that this heavy media use doesn’t translate into happier lives:  “The more time they spend with electronic media, the less happy they tend to be.”

If you’re already concerned about your teen’s media use with respect to content, you may also be concerned about how it is affecting your relationship with your child.  A new study shows that over one third of parents report a concern with how TV, computers and video games are affecting parent-child communication.  As a parent of college age kids, I’ve already learned that they are more likely to read a text message than pick up a voice call from me, and may be more likely to want to read an article I send them via e-mail than have a conversation about current events or social issues.  Like me, you may be concerned about the decrease in “face-time” with your family.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to invite you to our Amplify Parent Connection meeting (click here for more info) on August 30.  We will be talking about Teens and Media…what they are seeing, hearing, and experiencing through media, and how we can become more media savvy as we try to keep the lines of communication open and the ties of relationship strong.  You will come away with resources that can help you protect, guide and connect.

When you are faced with a shocker…

Posted on by Tori

Once, at a social function, I found myself telling the woman next to me about how I had this great job talking to teens about sex.  She gasped, grabbed my arm, and told me she had just intercepted a letter from a girl her middle school son barely knew, in which the girl offered to lose her virginity with him.  Naturally, she told her son “Don’t do it.”  “Did you say anything else?” I queried.   “Not really” was her reply, as she explained that she wasn’t sure how to handle the conversation.  We were able to talk a bit more about how prepare for this new phase of her teen’s life, and she signed up for our parent newsletter, which she has found helpful.

For all those moments in life when you find yourself facing a new parenting challenge, don’t you wish you had a group of fellow-travelers to discuss these things with?  Our monthly Parent Connection group, which I (Tori Libby) lead, meets over a different topic each month, and provides a chance to both learn and share our current challenges.  We had both men and women at our first meeting, and we welcome YOU to join us any time!  Our next meetings will be July 27 and August 31.  Go to TalkDupage.com, and you’ll find more information under “Upcoming events.”

Twilight Mania…An Opportunity to Talk

Posted on by Tori

If you haven’t noticed, young girls (and sometimes their moms too) are caught up in Twilight mania. If you have a daughter, you may want to take the opportunity to discuss this movie and book series’ positive and negative messages about relationships.  Even if they haven’t seen it (or aren’t allowed to), they’ve surely heard discussions about it.  Here are some questions, and points to consider as you talk to your daughter (and even sons might be interested in why girls are so gaga about the Twilight series)…

Why are girls so crazy about Edward?

He’s perfect, beautiful, has superhuman powers, centers his whole life around Bella….but is this what you can expect from a real guy?

What is the attraction that Edward feels for Bella based on?

Her scent…i.e. a purely physical, intense attraction based on external qualities, not based on character.  This is the equivalent of the intense attraction that we call “infatuation” and that is often mistaken for love.  It may end in real love, but more often not.

What is admirable about the way Edward treats Bella?

He is willing to sacrifice himself for her, thinks of her welfare first, protects her from danger, and exhibits self-control in that he wants to wait until marriage to have sex.

What is troubling about this relationship?

It’s focused entirely on one another (unhealthy obsession).  Their identity is wrapped up in the other person. The attraction is not based on character, sexual tension/attraction is intense in the books AND movies, protectiveness may be controlling (a key indicator in an abusive relationship) in a real-life guy.

What do you think a romantic relationship should be based on if it’s going to last?

Friendship, similar values, forgiving and learning to accept imperfections in the other person.  Support of individual growth and development, and independent, unique qualities, etc.

Talking to Boys about the Birds and the Bees

Posted on by Tori

I’ve mentioned my young friend Kevin before, and promised to pass on more of his advice for parents as they talk to boys about sex.  This seems as good a time as any, since last month the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) reported on a 2009 study in which “researchers found that teen boys were more likely than girls to have had first sexual intercourse before age 13 and to have had sexual intercourse with four or more people.”

Kevin surveyed some guy friends, and found that they affirmed something he had said to me previously: “Parents shouldn’t treat the topic of sex as some sort of taboo subject that is just sort of swept under the table.”  One commented that “Your blood pressure shouldn’t rise when you’re having the sex talk with your kids.”

So what does this look like?  First, start early, and let it be often enough that you both feel less ill at ease with the topic each time it comes up.  Second, recognize real-life opportunities.  Kevin related one friend’s experience: “The most constructive talk he had with his father about sex was when his father caught him looking at pornography. Even though the conversation was still a little awkward, it provided a means for his father to explain why looking at pornography is wrong and what sex should be like, etc.”  The third tip Kevin gave was this: “One of my mentors was humorously remarking about how women can talk for hours just sitting with each other while men like to work out with weights or throw a disc or pull some weeds together while they talk.”  Come to think of it, when it comes to this topic, even girls may prefer not to have to look you in the eye!  Parents often relate to me that car rides provide a fabulous opportunity for some of the best talks, having two key advantages:  not having to be eye-to-eye, and having a captive audience!

And who should do the talking?  It’s not necessary that a son be talked to by a man in his life (although that would be great).  I hear from a lot of moms that they are talking to their sons.  The important thing is that it should be a caring parent who is imparting values, so that teens aren’t just getting ideas about sex from the latest episode of 90210 or Jersey Shore.

Two Steps Behind is Too Late

Posted on by Tori

In a recent blog, we found out that parents typically think their teens are both more innocent and less interested in the opposite sex than they actually are.  It’s no surprise, then, that when it comes to parents talking to their children about sex, they are almost always a step or two behind where they should be!  A study by the Rand corporation found that “A large proportion of parents and adolescents reported that they did not communicate about key topics before the adolescents became sexually active.”  When they did, “Communication was almost always earlier with daughters than with sons and earlier relative to their sexual activity, which means that parents typically had less time to communicate preemptively with sons.”  Unfortunately, and tragically, that means that some of our children will also be experiencing the consequences of their actions before we’ve had a chance to warn them, or steer them toward healthier choices.  Sadly, I had a teen boy in one of my classes who looked exhausted from trying to juggle senior year stresses at the same time he was helping raise his baby.  I also have a friend whose very first sexual experience led not only to an unplanned pregnancy, but an incurable STD.  The decision she made “just once” impacts her still in her 50s.  Parents…now’s the time to comment on that TV show or news headline, discuss those lyrics your teen is singing, talk about boundaries for dating, etc.  We can’t make them choose wisely, but we can alert them to what “wise” looks like before they are in the middle of a relationship they are unprepared for.

How Do I Know You Love Me?

Posted on by Tori

Many of you have heard me talk about Love Languages during our Amplify Parent Presentation.  I found this handy link that gives you an opportunity to take a survey to discover your love languages.  The theory is that everyone “reads” love differently, through one or more of these avenues:  words, touch, quality time, gifts, or service.  You are also given an opportunity to invite your teen to take the test as well.  My husband and I have found it very helpful to understand our differences.  For instance, his love languages are touch and words of affirmation.  Mine is ONLY (apparently) acts of service done for me.  You can imagine how we’ve missed communicating love at times!  Now, I can better appreciate that he’s trying to tell me he loves me…even if I don’t immediately recognize it.  Similarly, knowing our teens’ love languages can help us to be certain to communicate FULLY our great love for them.

(Note:  It looks like you have to provide a name and e-mail address in order to get your test results back.  But this is a legitimate site, and I imagine you can unsubscribe if they want to send you other emails that you don’t want.)

Where all the Children are Above Average

Posted on by Tori

Have you ever noticed that most parents think that schools in OTHER people’s neighborhoods are bad, but theirs gets the highest of marks?  Garrison Keillor, the well-known humorist describes the fictional Lake Wobegon as a place where “all the children are above average.”  In fact, researchers have even used the phrase “Lake Wobegon effect” to describe the cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and abilities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others.

This seems to be in effect as well in our perception of our own teens’ sexuality.  A recent study indicates that we as parents have a hard time recognizing that our teens may be interested in sex, but we are certain that it’s those other sexually precocious kids that are the ones tempting our innocent young’uns.  In fact, “Parents consistently characterized their children as young, immature and naïve.”  How can this affect our parenting?  For one, we may think it’s not yet time to talk to our children about the birds and the bees, or about dating, or STDs or oral sex.  On more than one occasion I have spoken with parents who explain the lack of conversations they’ve had with their teens with phrases such as “not ready,” “not even thinking about girls yet,” “innocent,” etc.  And yet, in the classrooms, teens consistently indicate that their parents don’t know the things that they are thinking about and being exposed to.  When we note that 30% of 15- to 17-year-olds have had intercourse (and even more have experimented with other forms of sex), it’s not too hard to figure out that we would be wise to recognize that our own little Danielle or Jason probably knows a lot more than we think…and realize that if we want to be the first to introduce a topic (and our values), we need to start sooner than we had expected.

He’s YOUR son, so who gets the first word on sex?

Posted on by Tori

I asked Kevin, a college student I know well (and the kind of guy you’d want to marry your daughter):  “What is most likely to “work” in having/starting conversations about sex with a son?” Here’s just one of the bits of advice he gave, with more to follow in future blogs. “First, the conversation definitely needs to happen, and not just once. A boy is going to learn about his sexuality from somewhere. By delaying or even not talking about it at all, you send him off to learn about sexuality from the media (bad), his peers (bad), his friends (usually bad), or through his own personal experimentation (worst).  The PARENT should be the first one to talk to them about sex.”  And when should that happen?  If you as a parent want to be the first to weigh in on the topic (with sons or daughters), it’s best done by middle school, he said.  Mom and Dad, if it hasn’t happened, it’s time to get started!  If it’s been a while, it’s time to do it again.