Teen Decision

Depression in Teens

Posted on January 24, 2011 by Tori

In doing a parent presentation this week, I was reminded that sexually active teens are significantly more likely to be depressed, and more likely to attempt (and commit) suicide compared to their abstinent peers. And it wasn’t attributable to teen pregnancy, but rather a combination of factors, with relational issues playing a role.

So what makes a teen feel so desperate? One article said that “Most teens interviewed after making a suicide attempt say that they did it because they were trying to escape from a situation that seemed impossible to deal with or to get relief from really bad thoughts or feelings….they didn’t want to die as much as they wanted to escape from what was going on. And at that particular moment dying seemed like the only way out.” One less “straw” to break the camel’s back, or even one fortuitous interruption, and the impulse may pass, and a life may be saved.

So what are the warning signs that we should look for? And then, what can we as parents do? I am not an expert in such matters, but there are great resources out there. The article mentioned above also lists warning signs, gives phone numbers for suicide hotlines, and includes other helpful information. Cut and past this address in your internet browser to find out more: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/feeling_sad/suicide.html#

Texting: The World You Don’t Know About

Posted on January 7, 2011 by Tori

On my commute to a middle school this morning, I heard a story on the radio about the 20% of teens who can be called “hyper texters”…texting 120 times a day or more. A just-published study reveals that these heavy texters “were three times more likely than their peers to have had sex and also had higher rates of drug use, alcohol use and fighting.” The radio host posited a theory, that these teens might have common characteristics that drive both texting and poor choices: low impulse control and susceptibility to peer influence. This newspaper article quoted the lead author of the study with another theory: “If parents are monitoring their kids’ texting and social networking, they’re probably monitoring other activities as well,” said Dr. Scott Frank.” The article later noted studies that have shown these facts as well:

– Only 14% of kids said their parents limit texting.

– A third of 16- and 17-year-olds send texts while driving.

– One in four teens has “sexted” – shared X-rated content by phone or online.

Teens tend to use texting the way we used phones chats…to communicate, so blocking all texting may not be an appropriate response. But some kind of monitoring and limits might be appropriate. One parent told me that her kids have to “park” their phones in a basket in the kitchen at homework time and bedtime. Another parent checks picture mail from time to time. Yeah, I know that’s snooping, but her child isn’t an adult yet, and it’s a dangerous world out there.

A Dangerous Game

Posted on December 20, 2010 by Tori

Leave to it teens to find one more way to hurt themselves! Whether it’s an adrenaline rush, the pressure of a dare, or simply acting before they think, teens are notorious for putting themselves and others at risk. The latest is a twist on the childhood game of Cops and Robbers, called “Fugitive.” It involves cars, speed, and hopping in and out of moving vehicles. Unfortunately, it has landed teens in the hospital. ABC news has an informative report where you can read more about it (and even watch a link of teens playing Fugitive).

Stressed and alone

Posted on December 6, 2010 by Tori

“I can’t talk to my mom; we always fight.” “Dad would kill me if he knew.” “Mom and I used to be close, but not since she remarried.” “I can’t talk to my parents about this.” These are all things teens have said or written to me in the last year. To be honest, my own children have had occasions when they felt they could not talk to me or their dad honestly about some significant struggle they were facing. As an adult who seems pretty approachable (at least to other people’s kids), I’ve had conversations with young people who are floundering, wondering how to answer the major questions of life that they are facing, struggling with how to handle the feelings of hurt and devastation that come in the course of human relationships. These teens too often feel unequipped and unsupported, left to navigate adult worries and stresses alone. How can we as adults come alongside our own teens, and the friends of our teens that come into our homes and our lives? First, we have to understand their inner world.

I read a book a while back that I recommend to parents, educators, and youth leaders, called “Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers.” It really opened my eyes to the sense of abandonment that many teens have. Adults are often too busy with their own jobs, concerns, and relationships to really make time to listen with an open heart and mind to teens.

I am guessing that parents reading this blog care deeply about their kids, and want to have a close relationship with them. Maybe the cares of life have indeed robbed you that all-important building block of relationship: TIME with them. It happens without us realizing it. Or maybe you, like me, have been through periods where you are shut out by your teen. That doesn’t remove their need for mentors and role models. In short, they need to know that they matter in this stressful, driven, achievement-oriented world. Keep loving, caring, and listening. Don’t give up. Try to understand their world. And consider being that caring adult to someone else’s child. Maybe an adult will be that person in your child’s life: a respected teacher, caring neighbor, the mom or dad of a friend, a youth leader.

Teen music = teachable moments galore

Posted on November 19, 2010 by Tori

A major study recently found that “Radio continues to be the medium most often used for music discovery, with 51% of 12-24 year-olds reporting that they “frequently” find out about new music by listening to the radio. Other significant sources include friends (46%), YouTube (31%) and social networking sites (16%).” I have heard from many parents who thought they were doing a pretty good job steering their youngsters away from songs that were morally objectionable, only to hear their pre-teen or teen singing a tune with words that would make your hair curl. He might not even have it on his Ipod, but everyone in school is singing it. And have you ever gotten in the car after your teen has been in it, only to hear hair-raising lyrics issuing loudly from the speakers?

The truth is, most teens haven’t taken the time to analyze what it is they’re hearing and repeating. Case in point: A top song in the last couple months, Love the Way You Lie (Eminem and Rihanna), is a recent #1 hit, and it has QUITE a message. Check out the lyrics here at lyrics.com to see what this song is all about (warning: two uses of the F word). Looking for a teachable moment? use this song, or go to Billboard.com to find another top hit, and see if your teen has heard it. Then have a sit-down to go over the lyrics and the messages in the song. It’s a great way to teach about love, sex, and relationships, without bringing on the uncomfortableness and eye-rolling that a more direct approach might bring! Here are some sample questions to ask:

What messages about love does this song have? Are those message true?
What does it say about sex? Is THAT true?
Is this an example of a good, or bad, relationship? Why?

Whatever you do, hang in there and stay involved in your teen’s life…no one said parenting was easy.

Foul language more frequent

Posted on November 12, 2010 by Tori

A teacher recently told me how appalled she was at the language she’d heard a student use in the school parking lot toward his mother. Yep…it was the “F” word. And mom didn’t say a thing, but took it.

Many of us have noticed an increased tolerance among young people for foul language. What isn’t clear is what role media may play in the increased use of crude language in everyday society. Is it that media is following a trend already in existence in society, or is media leading the way? What IS clear is that there has been a dramatic increase in crude language and swearing in the media. A study showed, among other things, that the use of the muted or bleeped “F” word increase 2,409% from 2005 to 2010! Other finding were that crude anatomical references doubled or tripled (depending on the word).

You might want to encourage your child to take take a stand (and maybe increase his or her intelligence a few IQ points at the same time) by NOT resorting to cussing. A boy started a No Cussing Club at his middle school in 2007, and has seen the idea spread throughout the world. He’s even been on Jay Leno! Why not forward a link to the club’s website to your teen? It might start on interesting conversation about the kind of language your child has been hearing among his or her peers.

Dirty dancing at MY kid’s school?

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Tori

An article in Education Week says, “It looks like sex, but it’s dancing. It’s called freak dancing, and teenagers of all types are freaking at middle and high school events across the country. And though pairs of grinding pelvises filled the floor at a Valentine’s Day dance at a suburban Washington public high school, it might well have been the tamest freaking on record: The kids stayed dressed and on their feet. At other schools, blanched administrators say, a girl might be on all fours, with one boy’s pelvis pressed into her face and another’s pressed into her bottom. They see boys on their backs with girls spread-eagled over them; girls bent forward with boys’ hips thrust into their backsides. Students know it by different names in different towns: freaking, grinding, jacking, booty dancing, the nasty. They do it to hip-hop and rap.”

After hearing of more and more schools across the nation that are canceling dances, insisting on contracts, writing firm letters home to parents, etc., I am feeling more than a little sick at what our teens are doing at dances these days. As someone with fond memories of high school dances, and the “romance” and fun of acting grown up with a pretty formal gown, a corsage and a handsome date, I am grieved at what is happening at today’s middle and high school dances. And some teens are also pushing back. See what one Colorado teen wrote to her peers in this high school newspaper article.

So, I’m curious. Parents, ask your kids if their friends are doing this kind of dance. Is it true that “everybody’s doing it”? Is this the new normal? I’d love to hear what your kids are telling you.

A Disturbing Moment in Class

Posted on October 22, 2010 by Tori

Besides writing Amplify’s parent newsletter and blog, I also speak in the classroom to students. Someone asked me the other day about my most “shocking” moment. Right away I recalled something an 8th grade boy said when we were discussing “pressures” to have sex. One of the things that had come up was rape. This young man asked in all sincerity: “Is it still rape if she likes it?” I quickly pushed down the horror that I felt, and calmly answered that if it’s rape, it’s NEVER wanted or enjoyed. I went on to explain that ideas like that probably come into society through the avenue of pornography and other media. We went on to discuss more about the images that young people are seeing, and how they influence ideas on sex and relationships.

Just like that boy had been desensitized about rape, Hollywood has even gone so low as to portray a date rape scene as funny in the 2009 black “humor” movie, “Observe and Report.”

This is as good a time as any to have a talk about rape with your teen, particularly date/acquaintance rape.

How about a definition to start with: “The term acquaintance rape will be defined as being subjected to unwanted sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, or other sexual contact through the use of force or threat of force. Unsuccessful attempts are also subsumed within the term “rape.” Sexual coercion is defined as unwanted sexual intercourse, or any other sexual contact subsequent to the use of menacing verbal pressure or misuse of authority (Koss, 1988).”

What kind of cautionary words should we give our teens? The same wise guidelines for being abstinent will also protect against sexual assault: After the obvious caution about alcohol use, avoid being anywhere all alone, and/or in the dark with anyone of the opposite sex. Even a childhood friend. One of my acquaintance’s daughters was almost raped by the “boy next door” in her own backyard one night, and only just managed to escape. Public places and daylight are a young person’s friends!