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No common sense about drinking

Posted on by Tori

Do you ever wonder just how “common” common sense is?   We wonder how it is that there is so much obesity among our youth.  But all they ever see is super-sized meals.  Even I was surprised to hear that a reasonable portion of meat (one that won’t make you gain weight) is about the size of a pack of cards.  Young people see adults getting a daily Starbucks, and don’t realize that their part-time income from a fast food job can’t support that level of spending if they also want to save for college.  What if we told them that they can make a quality cup of coffee at home for about 25 cents (including creamer and sugar).

And then there’s drinking.  A study of  2,544 teens found that “Downing five or more alcoholic drinks nearly every day isn’t seen as a big problem” by 45% of them!  Maybe our kids need a reality check.  Maybe it’s our job to impart a little common sense.  When one in three 8th graders drinks, and one in five teens binge drink, it’s time have a talk.  You can start this way:  “I know that as you get older, some of your friends [kids in school] are going to drink alcohol…”

Here is more about drinking from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers: Link to Statistics

Teens Choosing Abstinence More

Posted on by Tori

An April 5 press release (quoted below) from the National Abstinence Education Association tells us that there is encouraging news for those who believe that abstinence is a viable choice for teens.

A report released today from the CDC indicates that teen birth rates have decreased by 37 percent in the past two decades.  This heartening statistic begs a closer look at the trends that have aided this decrease. Most noticeably, this encouraging statistic has been the result of a surprising trend among teens that, according to another recent CDC data report, they are choosing not to have sex. 2006-2008 survey results from the National Center for Health Statistics indicate that 68% of boys and 67% of girls (ages 15-17) have not have sexual intercourse and that overall sexual contact trends are also moving in the right direction. 53% of boys and 58% of girls report never having had oral, anal, or vaginal sex with anyone.

“While these statistics certainly do not mean that teen sexual activity is not an issue of concern, they do compel us to examine what is working and what is causing teens to reject the ‘everybody’s doing it” myth promulgated in the media,” stated Valerie Huber, Executive Director of the National Abstinence Education Association (NAEA).   Huber continued, “While some argue that teens simply need access to more birth control and devices, perhaps a closer look would show us that they need more support for the good decisions they are making to abstain. Current public policy has failed to recognize and support the positive behavioral trends among teens by failing to provide resources for comprehensive risk avoidance sex education.”

The report further indicates that contraceptive use is lowest and teen birth rates are highest among Hispanic and Black teen populations. For decades sex education for these populations has been primarily a contraceptive-centered approach. “Perhaps it is time to start believing that all teens can be empowered with the skills to resist early sexual activity. Let’s capitalize on what is working and increase the positive direction of teen sexual health”, said Huber.

Skin and more on MTV’s hit “Skins”

Posted on by Tori

I had heard about “Skins,” a new hit teen show (MTV, Monday night at 9 p.m) that had been accused of bordering on pornographic, and decided to watch it the other night.  Your teen may argue that it shows “real” life.  My take on it?  That may be true IF you take the most ethically challenged, dysfunctional teen behavior, compact it into about 45 minutes, and don’t include a single character who deviates from the moral abyss these teens live in.  These high schoolers’ lives revolve around constant sex (gay, bi and heteresexual), drugs, drinking,  other risky behaviors, and bad language.  So far, there has been rear nudity, but no frontal, and unlike in Britain (where the show originated), the swearing is bleeped out.  The adult characters (at least in the episode I watched) are irresponsible buffoons .  As I watched, I was filled with sadness at this picture of empty, lost and depressed teens.  Life can be SO much better.  Even the friendships–some of which are represented as deep–revolve around selfish hedonism.  A real friend cares about what happens to you, and would caution against many of the foolish behaviors that are normalized in this show.

I see little worthwhile in this show.  If you haven’t drawn the line on TV viewing yet, “Skins” may be a good place to start.  To read more, including episode synopses, see this article by Parents Television Council.

Why do we let them dress that way?

Posted on by Tori

As someone well past my prime, I do vicariously enjoy the fresh beauty of my daughters.  Aaaah…to be young, and a size 2!  But I also taught them how to dress modestly.  As one of the students in a class I taught bluntly put it, “If it isn’t for sale, you shouldn’t be advertising it.”   If you have boys, you may be concerned about their ability to concentrate in their classes with all that flesh making an appearance now that spring is here.   (To be fair, we went on to discuss the responsibility boys bear for what they do with their eyes and thoughts).

Have you had these battles in your house…wondering where to draw the line when so many of your child’s peers are allowed to dress so immodestly these days?  And interesting article in the Wall Street Journal has a few theories which may explain why, even if you have high standards in your home, your kids are swimming against the tide if they are dressed to show less.

I Am the Center of My Universe

Posted on by Tori

I just read about an English teacher at a prestigious public high school in Philadelphia who was suspended from her job for posting this on her blog:  “My students are out of control. They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. ”  Since I love teens, I found it disturbing that anyone would be teaching who felt this way.  But, truth be told, when parents talk to one another, they sometimes guiltily express the same kind of frustration.

This isn’t new.  I can still remember my shock when my normally patient  mother whipped a couple of quarters in my direction for lunch money after I complained that she had made my sandwich with rye instead of white bread.  I am certain that this event followed a long string of self-centered, narcissistic behaviors on my part.  I’ve tried to remember this when faced with sometimes obstreperous* teens

But have teens risen to a new level of self-centeredness?  Some experts think so.  In the January 2010 issue of the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, researchers concluded that there has been a pronounced rise in narcissism among young people.  One group of college students, over a 15 year period, went from 18% to 34% evidencing narcissistic personality traits.  So, why is this happening?  According to an article discussing this research, “Theories implicate parents, teachers and the media, which either allow or celebrate overly permissive attitudes toward individualism, and lead to an inflated and unwarranted sense of self-importance.”

Parents, we can be part of correcting this tendency, or at least we can purpose not to feed into it.  When our kids do wrong, love them, but let them experience the consequences.  No special pleading with teachers when Nathan gets a D due to laziness or poor planning.  When Lupe misses the bus for the third time, let her pay to take a cab,  My wise mother let my sister learn her lesson by doing this very thing.  It won’t be long before our teens enter the real world…the one where they do not occupy the center of the universe.  Our job is to prepare them.

*I love using new words.  This one means “resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly.”

Kissing…no big deal?

Posted on by Tori

There is often spirited debate among teens  when they are asked if kissing is a big deal.  The final answer is…it depends.  More girls than guys seem to think it “means something.”  And with regard to where it leads, well that seems to depend on what KIND of kissing.  Is it the kiss on the cheek at the end of a date, or the kind where you are rolling around on the sofa with lips locked and limbs entwined? It seems, according to teens, that one is a lot closer to sex than the other.

A blog by a friend, Dave McDowell, described some of the history of kissing this way:  “Up until the 18th century in Europe, everyone kissed everybody all the time–like shaking hands–but apparently it created a real problem between men and women. Still does. In 1837, an Englishman, Thomas Saverland, brought suit against Caroline Newton for biting his nose after he had jokingly tried to kiss her. The judge ruled in her favor. In Puritan New England, Boston’s Captain Kemble was forced to spend two hours in the stocks as a punishment for his “lewd and unseemly behavior” of kissing his wife in public on the Sabbath after three years at sea. My how things have changed!”

Both of my children at some point have made conscious decisions not to kiss in a dating relationship.  One of them managed to have two high school boyfriends, lasting more than 8 months each, without kissing. She had no regrets, and said that it enabled her to keep her commitment to abstinence.  To find out how kissing can affect the body, and the emotions, click here for some interesting facts.  Besides the fact that kissing causes elevated levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, this article points out new facts you might use to open up a conversation with your son or daughter.  Maybe you could start by asking them this question:  “Do your friends consider kissing a big deal?”  It might lead to an interesting conversation during which you can encourage them to consider holding off on this intimate behavior in the interest of  maintaining a clear head, an unscathed heart, and the ability to keep a relationship from going farther than planned.

STD the Top Cause of Oral, Head and Neck Cancers

Posted on by Tori

Once in a while I have to get over my reticence to be forthright in discussing risks teens face with you, their parents.  I have no problem warning teens about the risks of oral sex, but don’t we parents hate to even think such things might be going on in the social circles our teens frequent?  And yet…teens are doing it because they think it’s a safe option.  Not only does oral seem to function as a “gateway” activity which leads to vaginal sex, it also carries risks of its own.  This article by CBS points out that an STD passed on by oral sex is now the cause of the majority of cases of oral, head and neck cancers.  It’s Human Papillomavirus.  The article suggests getting vaccinated, but doesn’t mention that the vaccine only protects against the 4 strains of HPV that are responsible for 70% of the cases of either genital warts, or cervical and oral/head/neck cancers.  A better idea?  Share the article with your teen, and encourage them to choose abstinence if they want to be healthy and happy.

Dating Violence Affects Many

Posted on by Tori

Part of the story I tell teens in the classroom is that I experienced dating violence in my relationship with my “first love.”  Luckily, I recognized that physical aggression was a deal-breaker, and I broke the relationship off.

According to one study,  about 12 percent of teens reported being hurt by a teen they were dating, and 9 percent say they were forced to have sex.  The thing that stood out most to me in the article, is that more than half of parents have not talked to their teens about this issue.  I am actually encouraged that almost half have, of course, but think it’s a good idea to urge ALL parents to include this topic in their conversational “to do” list.  Besides talking to our kids, another bit of advice is to “encourage teens to double date to help prevent violence from occurring,” and  “know a date’s plans for the evening and the expected return time.”

Mistakes We Make in Raising Tweens and Teens

Posted on by Tori

Most of us at some time or another wonder if we’re on the right track in that most-important job we call parenting.  I found an article that outlines, in a few short paragraphs, 5 mistakes parents make.  To whet your appetite…#1 is the mistake of Expecting the Worst.  Interestingly,  “Raising teenagers with negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most.  According to a recent study conducted at Wake Forest University, teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.”  Later in the article, parents are advised, however, not to ignore the “big stuff.”  I don’t know about you, but to me it’s quite a balancing act…being savvy about all the risks and temptations facing our kids, while at the same time expressing confidence in their ability to make good choices.  My takeaway?  Let’s keep at it…we love them too much to think we’ve got it all figured out and can sit back on our heels and rest.

Help in Raising Confident Girls

Posted on by Tori

By now, most people are aware of the challenges particular to girls in today’s cutthroat world.  A worthy organization based in Downers Grove is doing something to equip parents to raise confident, strong, happy girls.  HGNA (which stands for Helping Girls Navigate Adolescence), describes its mission this way: “HGNA understands the challenges and frustrations facing today’s girls—everything from narrowly defined attributes of “beauty” to the groaning pressures of grades, extracurricular activities and boys. Our goal is to provide resources, guidance and support to the girls of our community, helping them withstand the unhealthy pressures of the culture as they grow in strength and maturity.”

If you are a parent of an adolescent girl, check out HGNA’s website to find out about their upcoming events (which are very reasonably priced), such as the upcoming March 12 event, called “Chick Chat,” and a concurrent shorter workshop for parents, “Mom and Dad Chat.”   This is just one of many events and workshops they offer, including some for older teens, parents, and even one that includes boys.

Even if you aren’t interested in these events, their website is worth visiting for its great resource page, which has information on relational aggression (bullying) and an excellent booklist for parents on raising girls.