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I Can’t Trust My Child Anymore

Posted on by Tori

I never thought I’d find myself quoting Lady Gaga, but I like this (edited for decency) saying:  “Trust is like a mirror:  You can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that reflection.”  I know what she means.  Once our child loses our trust, it’s VERY hard to get it back.  In a real way, the person I thought my son or daughter was, is no more.  My image of my happy family has perhaps even been shattered.  The betrayal (even when forgiveness has been asked and given) can color our every upcoming interaction with our child.  Do I really know her?  Is he telling the truth…today?  Or lying again?  I’ve even wondered (maybe you’ve been there too)…will this cloud ever lift?

Our children will let us down.  They will deeply disappoint us. They are our greatest joy, and the cause of our greatest pain.  But their future is not written yet.  They need us to believe they can change…and to give them the hope that they can and will be restored in their relationship with us.  But they have a job to do too…and it’s to work hard at regaining our trust.  I found a great article that answers a teen’s question “I Lost My Parent’s Trust. How Can I Get it Back?”  If your teen is frustrated because things aren’t “back to normal,” this can help them understand what they need to do…and why it takes time.  Talking over the article could help the healing, and set the family on the path back to trusting them again.

Girls Aren’t the Only Ones Who Feel Pressure to Have Sex

Posted on by Tori

One activity I do in classrooms reveals that teens THINK that guys always want the level of physical intimacy in a relationship to go “all the way.”  But I’ve also had boys reveal their real thoughts privately…and they’re much less cavalier in their attitudes about sex than everyone seems to think.  Indeed, I found a fascinating study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy that talks about what boys think about sex and relationships.  I’ll be sharing findings in future blogs, but for starters, take a look at this advice from the report:  “Girls aren’t the only ones who feel pressure.  Reassure your son that he does not have to have sex. Nearly 8 out of 10 guys say there is way too much pressure on them to have sex—from society, from their friends, and from girls. More than half say they are relieved when a girl doesn’t want to have sex and 45% say they’ve had sex and regretted it afterwards. One in five (21%) say they have been pressured by a girl to go farther sexually than they wanted to. Boys can say ‘no’ too—even if they’ve said ‘yes’ before.”

Thigh Gaps and Flat Tummies

Posted on by Tori

The pressure never lets up it seems.  Just when my generation thought we’d freed ourselves from the girdles our mothers wore, now we find our daughters (and ourselves) squeezing back into uncomfortable and (according to an NBC report) potentially unhealthy “shapewear.”  The preoccupation with looks, and finding our self-worth in our attractiveness, is a plague on womanhood that marches on.  And now it’s not just constraining lumpy tummies and muffin tops, its also achieving the “thigh gap.”  Who knew?  Watch this report by NBC to find out more about this new obsession.

For heaven’s sake!  I haven’t seen the light of day between my thighs for at least 20 years.  And after trying shapewear, which my daughters insisted is a necessity (yes, I have a muffin top that threatens to overflow), I couldn’t wait to get out of it!  How I wish our daughters could know how little it matters if they are not the best-dressed, prettiest, or thinnest.  Moms and dads, let’s wage war on the warped message that their worth depends on externals.  TALK to your girls about what really matters. Build up her worth based on her character and her talents, not her conformity to our society’s standards of beauty.  And realize that females may be the ones putting more pressure on other girls than guys do. Dare I also ask you…moms…to examine the messages you are sending as well?  Does our example or our words also make our daughters feel like nothing if they don’t measure up physically?  If so, we need to change our own values first!

Pills Don’t Erase Consequences

Posted on by Tori

You may have already heard that the FDA just approved the “morning after” (Plan B) pill for over-the-counter purchase by teens as young as 15.  Those who believe young people can have sex without consequences are applauding this decision.  But those who care about the health and emotional well-being of teens are concerned.  There is a good argument that this is just one more message we send teens that we expect them to be sexually active, and that nothing will happen if they are.

As an educator, teaching teens about how to have healthy relationships (the healthiest choice being abstinence) I have had to keep up-to-date on condoms, pills, abortion, etc. as the “alternative” practices.  Yes, this drug can stop a pregnancy from continuing, but it’s not 100% effective. In fact, ads for the drug admit 1 out of 8 women WILL get pregnant despite taking Plan B.   No pill on the market does anything to protect teens from the epidemic of STDs they face if they are sexually active.  The CDC reports that half of all next STD infections occur among young people.  Indeed, Jeanne Monahan of the Family Research Council commented that “Additionally… a study released in 2010 revealed that adolescent use of Plan B was correlated with an increase in unplanned pregnancies and a high STD rate.”

And of course, no “protection” offered by condoms or pills does anything to protect the human heart.  The powerful bonding chemicals produced through sexual activity affect teens emotionally in lasting ways…something ignored when our culture merely tries to erase the consequences of teen sexual activity by encouraging teens to just pop pills.

Forming Savvy Consumers: Talking Over Ads With Your Teens

Posted on by Tori

The other day, my husband was on a website that caters to those who like to keep up with NASA and the space program (yes, he’s a bit of a space geek).  There, flanking the content, on both sides, were two Hooters babes.  He made sure I knew that he was innocently looking at the space stuff, not the curvy young ladies!  I’ve also noticed how–amazingly–my computer search engine knows what I’m interested in, and gives me targeted ads based on what I’ve recently looked at.

Our children are bombarded with messages all day long, and need to be taught to be critical thinkers and saavy consumers.  I  found some great questions to talk through WITH our teens when we see an ad on TV, or in a magazine, or on the internet.  Even just a few sessions of doing this can train our kids not to accept every message that comes across their field of vision!  The following is adapted from youth expert Walt Mueller’s CPYU website:

1. What product is this ad selling?
2. What, besides the product, does this ad sell? (ideas, lifestyle, worldview, behaviors, etc.)
3. What’s the bait, hook, and promise?
4. Complete this sentence: “This ad tells me, use________ (the name of the product) and ___________ (the result the ad promises).
5. Does the ad tell the truth? What? How?
6. Does the ad tell a lie(s)? What? How?
7. How does the ad and its messages agree or disagree with my (or our family’s) values and what does that mean for me?

“I Wasn’t Even Looking For It!” Teen Exposure to Sexual Images.

Posted on by Tori

Readers of this blog may be convinced by now of the negative effect of pornography on the minds and behavior of teens.  I’ve written about it before.  Briefly, here is a partial list of social and interpersonal ills connected to viewing porn: marital instability, divorce, insensitivity to sexual violence in relationships,  earlier sexual debut (first sexual experience),  inaccurate views of “normal” sexual behavior (those viewing more pornography, for instance, believed that over 30% of people engage in group sex), and a host of other warped ideas about relationships.

The Crimes Against Children Research Center found, in a 2005 study, that 66% of teens that had been exposed to pornography had not sought it out.  It came to them. 

Today, I want to give you a nudge to take ACTION to protect your sons and daughters.  There is a free service, called Family Shield, from OpenDNS that I’ve seen mentioned repeatedly as a good place to start in the war against the intrusion of these  damaging images into young minds.  This LINK is to a somewhat “techy” article, but at the bottom it walks you through a “how to” on setting up this internet blocking software for your home.  It also includes a link for Family Shield.  

What about blocking sexual images on your teens’ smart phones?  This article has ideas on how to do that.

The Messy Room

Posted on by Tori

I am visiting a relative right now, and was surprised to see my nephew’s messy room through an open door.  My nephew is an outstanding guy in every way.   And yet…that ROOM!  It brought back memories of my own daughters’ rooms, which looked the same in their adolescent years…in between times when their dad and I went to war with them over their messiness.  So what’s going on with this?    I found an excellent article from Psychology Today, describing the phenomenon first, and giving wise advice next.  Says psychologist Carl Pickhardt “Usually beginning in early adolescence (years 9 – 13) as a function of personal disorganization brought on by more growth change than the young person can easily manage, this state of internal confusion and external disarray quickly attracts parental attention. So to begin with, parents need to understand that early adolescents are honorably disorganized. Their life in childhood has begun to fall apart…. And they don’t know where they grow from here.”

After helping the parent understand how adolescent internal chaos leads to external disorganization, I expected Dr. Pickhardt to advise just closing the door and letting your son or daughter be.  But NO.  He recognizes that the messy room can become an environment that is hard for the teen brain to work in, or (more critically) a battleground for a power struggle.  If so, it may be unwise to relinquish what he calls “a supervisory role” for the parent.  He advises: “Remember,if your child knows you will keep after the small responsibilities, like cleaning up a messy room, he or she also knows this shows you will be keeping after big stuff like obedience to major rules. So cleaning up the messy room is in fact an issue to keep fighting for.”

He even goes on to give specific answers to these objections: “Just close the door and keep out and the mess won’t bother you,” and “This is my room and you can’t come in without my permission.”  Read HERE for suggested responses and more ideas from Dr. Pickhardt.

Lying, Cheating and Stealing…it’s What Teens Do

Posted on by Tori

A recent study showing an uptick in honesty among American teens prompted the founder of the organization conducting the study, Michael Josephson, to say “I think we have turned the corner.”

From 2010 to 2012, the changes include:

  • Stealing, down to 20% from 27%
  • Lying to a teacher, down to 55% from 61%
  • Cheating on an exam, down to 51% from 59%
  • Lying to parents about something significant, down to 76% from 80%

The percent of teens still, shall we say, “deficient” in character, is troubling.  It makes you wonder what you don’t know, doesn’t it?  Indeed, Josephson commented, “It’s a small ray of sunshine shining through lots of dark clouds.”

Mom and Dad…let’s not grow weary in educating our children to be young men and women of integrity.  We’ve clearly got a lot of work to do!  We CAN have hope that we can make a difference–Josephson attributed some of this significant uptick in teen integrity to parents who are increasingly concerned with teaching their children that honesty is important.   

Teens Who are a Suicide Risk, Even with Treatment

Posted on by Tori

A PBS interview discussing teens who are depressed and at risk for attempting suicide revealed that, according to a large, recent study, “More than half of the young people who planned, thought of, or attempted to kill themselves had received at least some treatment.”  This is troublesome, when you consider that suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents.  The study discussed in the interview showed that even though symptoms of depression may improve under treatment, “even if we see these teenagers becoming better in terms of their symptoms of depression reducing, we need to continue to check in with them about whether they’re having thoughts, plans, or ideas around suicide.”  Part of the interview discusses what caring adults may be able to do, acknowledging that “teachers and parents, are often very uncomfortable with this idea of speaking with them about it….And there’s a myth in society that if you bring up the topic of suicide with teenagers, that they’re more likely to act on those impulses, when in fact we know the opposite is true, that parents, peers and teachers, when they bring up this notion with teenagers, it shows care and concern and it actually helps decrease some suicidal ideation [formation of suicidal thoughts and ideas].”

Teens More Likely to Drink if Close Friends Do

Posted on by Tori

Teens who have good friends who drink are likely to get their first drink from a friend, rather than from family, revealed a study reported on by livescience.com:  “In the study, having pals who drank and had access to booze was the most important factor in predicting when a kid started drinking — trumping a teen’s own trouble-making tendencies and a family history of alcoholism.”

I couldn’t help but think of the times I, in my quest to be cool and popular, brought little “airline” bottles of alcohol (which I had gotten from my parents’ liquor cabinet) to the junior high dances.  And I appeared to most people, including the parents of my friends, as a “good kid.”  I wonder which of my friends back then were introduced to alcohol by me?

So be alert and aware, parents, to the influences on your teens.  And remember, that boy or girl who has been coming to your house since kindergarten may change, and take a different path from the one you want your teen to travel.