With all the negative talk about “helicopter parents,” sometimes we are shamed into thinking we should be hands off with our teens. Don’t you believe it! There’s a difference between being overly controlling and properly supervising. You child still needs you to keep an eye on things. He or she may not like it, but your instinct…that being around and being aware will keep your son or daughter safe…is correct. A study reported on recently in the Washington Post indicates that teens who spend more than the average amount of unsupervised time hanging out with peers are more likely to smoke cigarettes and marijuana, and drink alcohol. The study’s authors expected to see a greater protective effect from structured activities, but they they found that “Organized time, such as arts classes at school, religious activities outside school and community volunteer work, had a very modest protective effect. Kids with the most time in these activities showed a 7 percent to 18 percent lower than average risk of drinking or smoking.” Compare that to the effect of unsupervised activity: “They found that teens who spent the most unsupervised time with peers were 39 percent more likely to smoke cigarettes, 47 percent more likely to drink alcohol and 71 percent more likely to smoke marijuana than average.” Apparently, it’s most important to avoid regularly letting our kids simply “hang out” day after day without any adults around to keep a watchful eye on things.
I Don’t Know; I Wasn’t Thinking…
Do you remember the “cinnamon challenge” a couple of years back? I wrote a blog about it, and also asked teens about it in the classroom. Back then, teens were trying to swallow cinnamon powder without water, leading to choking, which teens thought was oh so funny, and in some cases hospitalization from inhaling the powder into their lungs. Well, that one has faded, and now YouTube and Facebook video postings of the “fire challenge” have grabbed the attention of young people. In this challenge, a teen pours rubbing alcohol on his skin, and sets himself (usually, it’s a “him”) on fire. Other versions involve spraying one’s body with an aerosol can or dousing with nail polish remover before striking a match.
I know…WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?!! Well, apparently, according to one blistered and burned student, “I don’t know; I wasn’t thinking really.” That 15-year-old said that the videos didn’t show the end result. Just four days ago, another 15-year-old boy was severely burned doing the stunt, and was airlifted to a hospital.
As one article said: “It’s impossible to guess what ‘the kids’ will dream up next — as long as they have cameras and underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, there’s really no saying.” The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for weighing consequences, planning, distinguishing right from wrong, and determining socially appropriate behavior. It doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s. As I say in my parent workshops, it’s YOUR job to be their pre-frontal cortex for a few more years. So review that article (linked above) entitled, “A comprehensive guide to YouTube’s dumbest and most dangerous teen trends.” Then talk to your teen today about using his or her head before letting peer pressure get the upper hand.
The biggest fibbers are…adolescents
Anyone with a teen or two has probably already had that shocking realization…”He’s lying to my face!” We KNOW we taught our kids how important it is to tell the truth, and we know that they used to be so innocent! Not anymore. And it’s devastating.
A study of 1,000 people age 6-77 (published in Acta Psychologica) revealed that the most honest people are the very young, and the aged. Teens, on the other hand, are the biggest liars, with 75% admitting to lying, with an average of 3 lies a day, while those 60 and older lie less when they do lie, and 55% tell NO lies.
What does this mean for parents? When your teen vigorously denies lying, and passionately exclaims, “Don’t you believe me?”… don’t feel too guilty for being suspicious. And a wise parent will check the facts if there’s a history of suspicious “stories” or an unlikely claim. It might be worth calling Sarah’s mom to see if your little angel REALLY went to the mall, or if they were at that party she begged you to be allowed to go to but you said “No” because you knew there wouldn’t be adults there.
And be prepared for the consequences. I’ve been through the teen years with my now grown daughters and I can testify that once trust is broken, it can take YEARS to regain. It’s important to treat lying seriously (apart from punishment or removing privileges), by discussing the effect lying has on relationships. I once asked my child WHY she lied, and the answer was “It’s easier.” I retorted that it might seem that way if you want get away with something, but because of lost trust and lost privileges, life was going to be a LOT more difficult for her for a while. She’s not a teen anymore, and guess what? She DID grow in this area as she aged…or perhaps she just learned the hard way that it doesn’t pay.
Elite Youth Sports…and the Parenting Trap
I’ll admit, I am not an expert on youth sports, or sports of any kind. But I have two kids who will need me to make choices about the activities they are involved in, and I therefore found the following article sad and fascinating. If you don’t have time to read the whole thing, the basic idea is that parents are being convinced (often by for-profit sports organizations) to push their children into so-called elite sports at younger and younger ages, whether or not it is good for the child or the game.
I’d like to say that I would never fall into the trap of believing that elite youth sports are necessary for my child, but even with children who are still very young, I can see myself occasionally slipping into it. Maybe not the trap of elite youth sports, but certainly the trap of believing that I owe it to my kids to give them the best — and believing what others tell me about what the best is. From buying the most “educational” toys, to paying for the best junior music lessons or pre-schools, to “elite” sports camps, if I don’t shell out money for my child’s benefit, it is easy to make me feel like a selfish parental failure.
What makes parents susceptible to this Parenting Trap?
For starters, I have not led a perfect life. I have regrets. And what parent doesn’t want to fix their own regrets in their child’s life? I sure do. In a blog on a similar topic, youth culture expert Walt Mueller points out:
“Unfortunately, some parents see their kids as a second chance to fulfill dreams they themselves never realized.”
It is only a force of will that allows me to take my eyes off my self to see my child for who he really is and to ask myself, “Okay, since he isn’t me, who is this little bundle of hopes and dreams and what is it that will really help him flourish?” I might wish that someone had pushed me a little harder to stay in dance lessons when I was little, but that doesn’t mean that my child needs me to force him to stay with an activity he hates.
How can we get beyond the reach of the parenting trap?
Well, for starters, I know I need to come to terms with my regrets so they have no more power over my decisions. Maybe I gave up dance too soon, but there were a lot of things that I did instead of dance that I loved — would I give those up? No. More importantly, however, I need to remember that it is never too late for a parent to pursue their own dreams. If I want to dance, I can still learn to dance.
In fact, maybe my child will benefit more from watching me pursue my own dreams than he would if I push him to pursue my dreams for him.
My mother delayed getting a PhD when my sister and I were born. Did she turn her regrets into pressure for my sister and I to pursue graduate education instead of having families? No. She raised us, and then picked up where she left off, ultimately receiving her PhD a few years ago. Her example has given me more motivation than I ever would have received had she pushed me into a graduate degree.
So maybe instead of allowing guilt to push me into pushing my kids, I can worry a little less about giving my children an easy path to their dreams, and a little more about setting an example that it is never too late to work for our own dreams.
How a Bad Apple can change a School
Most of the stats that we include on our site, in our blogs, or in our classroom instruction refer to the general population of the US. While they are generally accurate, and I can confidently say they reflect many if not most situations, there are always exceptions. We teach at over 35 schools whose health classes vary in size from 5 (yes, 5) to 90. In almost a decade of experience, I have seen a school’s cultural attitudes about sex shift in both positive and negative ways. My experience has taught me a lot about the power of one Bad Apple.
In any given school climate, regardless of how hard teachers, parents, and administrators have worked to instill good values in their students, you occasionally run across a cluster of kids making poor decisions at a disproportionately greater rate. This can happen in both public and private schools, though ironically I find the power of a Bad Apple is more potent in the private schools, simply because they are smaller. It might look like this: at a middle school that almost always has “good” kids, where hardly anyone has actually had sex, suddenly a class comes along that misbehaves more in 6th grade, rebels more when they get to 7th grade, and by 8th grade, the principal is dealing with cases of oral chlamydia.
I don’t have time or space to dissect the sociology behind the phenomenon, but I do want to discuss what parents should consider and how they can help inoculate their child against it. First, I should say that there isn’t always just one “Bad Apple.” I use the term to refer to how an attitude or idea can slowly seep into a population and turn an otherwise positive culture into an unhealthy one. It might start with one person, but one could rarely actually pinpoint that person. So be slow to point fingers.
Parents do need to recognize, however, that the power of a bad apple makes it impossible to completely shield their child from negative influences. For example, I had a friend whose parents sent her to a Christian school, hoping for the environment to shield her from the worst of popular culture. In hindsight, however, she had a harder time making good choices than a similar friend at a public school. In the small, private school, a few bad apples had introduce and normalized oral sex among the students. My friend had been taught to follow the Christian culture of her school, so when oral sex was normalized among her supposedly Christian peers, she felt like it was okay to go along with it. In contrast, my friend at the public school had been taught not to go along with the crowd and to expect to stand out (she was also from a strong Christian family), so when her friends started engaging in oral sex, she figured it was another thing to avoid rather than follow.
The difference between the two is that my friend in the private school had not been taught to recognize and steer clear of the influence of a bad apple. When parents ignore the possibility that an otherwise positive, healthy culture can suddenly become hijacked by a bad apple, they can fail to teach their child to make good decisions despite an unhealthy culture.
What can you do? Talk to your teenager about how the poor decisions of others can influence their thinking, normalizing unhealthy behavior. Here is an example of a small high school of about 300 that suddenly faced 20 cases of Chlamydia. My guess is that a bad apple influenced the school’s cultural attitudes about sex, resulting in high rates of risky behavior. Would your teen know what to do if 20 of their friends were making unhealthy decisions? How would they respond?
Sex Trafficking in our Neighborhood
Yes, it happens — even here. Continue reading Sex Trafficking in our Neighborhood
Parents Survival Guide to 50 Shades of Grey
Miriam Grossman is a psychiatrist, author and speaker who has been speaking out about the dangers of unhealthy portrayals of sex in media. Her books are included on our list of resources for parents. I was recently made aware of a series of blog posts she is producing for parents leading up to the Valentine’s Day release of 50 Shades of Grey. You may want to check them out here!
Nothing Good Happens in the Woods
I found this article a great reminder not to settle for “at least” parenting. Too often, starting with young children, the temptation to do the least arises. Give a toddler an iPod because “at least they’re not whining;” give a child a phone because “at least you can get in touch with them;” drive your teen to the party so that “at least they won’t drive drunk.” Parenting is hard work, but when did it become appropriate to do the least? Pick your battles, but “at least” fight them!
It’s a new year. Where in your parenting can you make a resolution to do MORE?
Giving Tuesday and teaching generosity
For the third year in a row, non-profits, charities and community service organizations have encouraged families and individuals to participate in Giving Tuesday — the day after Black Friday and Cyber Monday. This is a great opportunity to encourage generosity in our kids!
What Success Looks Like
I have several nephews and a niece in elementary school right now. It is such a privilege to watch them grow up and to see the world through their eyes. Nothing beats watching a child “get it,” whether that’s learning to read or learning to share. Not too long ago, my brother-in-law told me a story about my nephew, who was then around 5 or 6. Their family has worked hard to raise their children to be aware of the needs of others and to act generously. Still, as I am sure all parents know, children seem to have an inherent self-centeredness. So it still brings me to tears when I think about my young nephew spontaneously coming to the conclusion and telling his dad, “I have a lot of toys. Those other kids don’t. Can we box up some of these toys and give them to the other kids?”
Webinar of Ideas
I hope there are many more parents out there working to instill the value of generosity in their children. If you want some ideas, I learned about this webinar coming up on November 24. Consider participating and getting some ideas for your own family to encourage giving this holiday season. I know I plan to participate and I look forward to helping my own kids learn to share!
The Antithesis of Fifty Shades of Grey
There is a movie coming out Valentine’s weekend that I am actually excited to see. It is NOT Fifty Shades of Grey.
Old Fashioned looks like the kind of love story that is worth seeing and sharing, unlike the other Valentine’s weekend release.
One is unashamedly lustful and dark, the other unabashedly not. Call me old fashioned, but I find it much more fulfilling to spend my time and money on reminders of the good in life. 