identity – Page 2 – Teen Decision

Teens who Self-Injure

Posted on March 30, 2012 by Tori

If you have any contact with teens, you will eventually meet or hear about someone who has engaged in “cutting.” Teens who harm their bodies are not suicidal, but are looking for a way to release painful emotions, according to an article on WebMD. The article helps parents recognize warning signs, and gives advice on how to help teens who self-injure, quoting experts from SAFE Alternatives (based at Linden Oaks Hospital, in Naperville, IL).

I learned a few interesting things from the article. Cutting is an accepted part of the “Goth” culture (but is not only done in that group), and is more common in girls than boys. Wendy Lader, PhD, also states that “Very often, kids who self-harm have an eating disorder. They may have a history of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse….Many are sensitive, perfectionists, overachievers. The self-injury begins as a defense against what’s going on in their family, in their lives. They have failed in one area of their lives, so this is a way to get control.” This could hit any family, however, says Lader, who points out that “many kids who self-injure are simply ‘regular kids’ going through the adolescent struggle for self-identity” Lader adds, “They’re experimenting.”

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A Role Model for Our Kids’ Generation

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Tori

My daughter told me today that everyone is talking (and Twittering too apparently) about a certain popular sports hero. Is he the real deal? Some cynically expect a fall, sooner or later. In a world full of heroes, most of whom have indeed fallen off their pedestals (think Tiger Woods, or Miley Cyrus), is there anyone we can point our youth to as a person of character to emulate? Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos’ star quarterback, appears to be a public figure who has the maturity and strength to be who he is, even when ridiculed. He stands pretty boldly for his values, including his commitment to abstinence. If your son (or daughter) is looking for a mature role model, steer them toward Tim Tebow, who answered a reporter’s question (see this YouTube link), “Are you saving yourself for marriage,” with a clear “Yes.” He acknowledged how “shocking” this was, but seemed to be quite comfortable in his skin, as he publicly made a stand for abstinence. May our children have the courage to make good choices, without embarrassment, like Tim Tebow.

I Am the Center of My Universe

Posted on March 18, 2011 by Tori

I just read about an English teacher at a prestigious public high school in Philadelphia who was suspended from her job for posting this on her blog: “My students are out of control. They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. ” Since I love teens, I found it disturbing that anyone would be teaching who felt this way. But, truth be told, when parents talk to one another, they sometimes guiltily express the same kind of frustration.

This isn’t new. I can still remember my shock when my normally patient mother whipped a couple of quarters in my direction for lunch money after I complained that she had made my sandwich with rye instead of white bread. I am certain that this event followed a long string of self-centered, narcissistic behaviors on my part. I’ve tried to remember this when faced with sometimes obstreperous* teens

But have teens risen to a new level of self-centeredness? Some experts think so. In the January 2010 issue of the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, researchers concluded that there has been a pronounced rise in narcissism among young people. One group of college students, over a 15 year period, went from 18% to 34% evidencing narcissistic personality traits. So, why is this happening? According to an article discussing this research, “Theories implicate parents, teachers and the media, which either allow or celebrate overly permissive attitudes toward individualism, and lead to an inflated and unwarranted sense of self-importance.”

Parents, we can be part of correcting this tendency, or at least we can purpose not to feed into it. When our kids do wrong, love them, but let them experience the consequences. No special pleading with teachers when Nathan gets a D due to laziness or poor planning. When Lupe misses the bus for the third time, let her pay to take a cab, My wise mother let my sister learn her lesson by doing this very thing. It won’t be long before our teens enter the real world…the one where they do not occupy the center of the universe. Our job is to prepare them.

*I love using new words. This one means “resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly.”

Stressed and alone

Posted on December 6, 2010 by Tori

“I can’t talk to my mom; we always fight.” “Dad would kill me if he knew.” “Mom and I used to be close, but not since she remarried.” “I can’t talk to my parents about this.” These are all things teens have said or written to me in the last year. To be honest, my own children have had occasions when they felt they could not talk to me or their dad honestly about some significant struggle they were facing. As an adult who seems pretty approachable (at least to other people’s kids), I’ve had conversations with young people who are floundering, wondering how to answer the major questions of life that they are facing, struggling with how to handle the feelings of hurt and devastation that come in the course of human relationships. These teens too often feel unequipped and unsupported, left to navigate adult worries and stresses alone. How can we as adults come alongside our own teens, and the friends of our teens that come into our homes and our lives? First, we have to understand their inner world.

I read a book a while back that I recommend to parents, educators, and youth leaders, called “Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers.” It really opened my eyes to the sense of abandonment that many teens have. Adults are often too busy with their own jobs, concerns, and relationships to really make time to listen with an open heart and mind to teens.

I am guessing that parents reading this blog care deeply about their kids, and want to have a close relationship with them. Maybe the cares of life have indeed robbed you that all-important building block of relationship: TIME with them. It happens without us realizing it. Or maybe you, like me, have been through periods where you are shut out by your teen. That doesn’t remove their need for mentors and role models. In short, they need to know that they matter in this stressful, driven, achievement-oriented world. Keep loving, caring, and listening. Don’t give up. Try to understand their world. And consider being that caring adult to someone else’s child. Maybe an adult will be that person in your child’s life: a respected teacher, caring neighbor, the mom or dad of a friend, a youth leader.

Twilight Mania…An Opportunity to Talk

Posted on July 15, 2010 by Tori

If you haven’t noticed, young girls (and sometimes their moms too) are caught up in Twilight mania. If you have a daughter, you may want to take the opportunity to discuss this movie and book series’ positive and negative messages about relationships. Even if they haven’t seen it (or aren’t allowed to), they’ve surely heard discussions about it. Here are some questions, and points to consider as you talk to your daughter (and even sons might be interested in why girls are so gaga about the Twilight series)…

Why are girls so crazy about Edward?

He’s perfect, beautiful, has superhuman powers, centers his whole life around Bella….but is this what you can expect from a real guy?

What is the attraction that Edward feels for Bella based on?

Her scent…i.e. a purely physical, intense attraction based on external qualities, not based on character. This is the equivalent of the intense attraction that we call “infatuation” and that is often mistaken for love. It may end in real love, but more often not.

What is admirable about the way Edward treats Bella?

He is willing to sacrifice himself for her, thinks of her welfare first, protects her from danger, and exhibits self-control in that he wants to wait until marriage to have sex.

What is troubling about this relationship?

It’s focused entirely on one another (unhealthy obsession). Their identity is wrapped up in the other person. The attraction is not based on character, sexual tension/attraction is intense in the books AND movies, protectiveness may be controlling (a key indicator in an abusive relationship) in a real-life guy.

What do you think a romantic relationship should be based on if it’s going to last?

Friendship, similar values, forgiving and learning to accept imperfections in the other person. Support of individual growth and development, and independent, unique qualities, etc.

How Do I Know You Love Me?

Posted on June 4, 2010 by Tori

Many of you have heard me talk about Love Languages during our Amplify Parent Presentation. I found this handy link that gives you an opportunity to take a survey to discover your love languages. The theory is that everyone “reads” love differently, through one or more of these avenues: words, touch, quality time, gifts, or service. You are also given an opportunity to invite your teen to take the test as well. My husband and I have found it very helpful to understand our differences. For instance, his love languages are touch and words of affirmation. Mine is ONLY (apparently) acts of service done for me. You can imagine how we’ve missed communicating love at times! Now, I can better appreciate that he’s trying to tell me he loves me…even if I don’t immediately recognize it. Similarly, knowing our teens’ love languages can help us to be certain to communicate FULLY our great love for them.

(Note: It looks like you have to provide a name and e-mail address in order to get your test results back. But this is a legitimate site, and I imagine you can unsubscribe if they want to send you other emails that you don’t want.)

A Holistic View

Posted on January 11, 2010 by Tori

How is a teen in today’s world going to accept and attempt to live out the concept of waiting until they get married to have sex? Abstinence is a tough sell. Trying to get a young adult to understand the idea of delayed gratification alone is hard, even grown adults have trouble with this. That’s why it’s important to present a holistic view of abstinence education. Here at Amplify we want teens to understand that abstinence is achievable and a very healthy choice aside from the other views. Now making a case for abstinence isn’t easy and it is important to show all benefits along with the risks of being sexual active before marriage. Our program covers supporting topics such as:

The holistic nature of sex
The consequences of sexual activity before marriage
The pressures around them
Healthy Relationships
Marriage
Goal Setting
Character development
Personal Testimony which shows the reality of the issues

As we come in contact with teens, our desire is provide the best and most accurate information available along with our genuine concern for their life and their future. This can be a huge challenge for us as we are limited with the time we have with the teens we serve. This again is where you come in. As parents it is so important that you continue this conversation. As you can see there is a lot to talk about and you need to be ready to answer their questions honestly and accurately.

Identity With a Price Tag

Posted on March 4, 2009 by Tori

This is an excerpt from an article I found on www.cpyu.org. I enjoyed it so much I’m posting it here for you to read. What do you think?

“The over-riding narrative of consumerism is: “You are what you consume.” Identity is based on what a teen can purchase and put on display. The result is that adolescent identity tends to be formed externally rather than generated internally.One strategy marketers use is “identity branding.” This is an explicit effort to get teens to identify themselves with a particular product or corporate brand. The craze around Apple’s iPod is an example of this identity branding. The iPod has changed the face of the music industry. As a part of iPod’s early, and vastly successful ad campaign, the website’s homepage contained a neon-colored image screaming for your attention. The image was the now-familiar dark silhouette of a trendy young person passionately dancing to the music playing on the white iPod linked by earphones to his ear. The caption read, “Which iPod are you?” Notice the question wasn’t “Which iPod do you prefer?” or “Which iPod suits your lifestyle?” It was an overt attempt to blend product and identity in hopes that teens would fuse their own identity with their product. With millions of consumers gobbling up iPod and iTunes products every year, the strategy of mixing identity and brand must be working.But consumerism doesn’t stop there. It also engages in a marketing strategy we could call “caricaturing.” In an effort to sell their products more efficiently, corporate advertisers go so far as to design a form of adolescent identity for teens to readily adopt.Extensive research and vast of marketing dollars have generated teen-targeted, media-created caricatures. One example is the “Mook.” He is the crude, loud, obnoxious, in-your-face male: a teen frozen in permanent adolescence. Mooks can be found everywhere. They’re the daredevils on “Jackass.” They star in MTV’s Spring Break specials. Mooks continue to be spun out as key characters in new television shows every season. You don’t have to look very hard.But there’s no real Mook. It’s a market creation designed to take advantage of the testosterone-driven craziness of male adolescence. Teenage males identify with it and “buy into” it. All that needs to be done is associate merchandise with the Mook caricature and you have Mooks gobbling up those products.Along with the Mook, the media machine has also produced a female caricature. The “Midriff”-no more true to life than the Mook-is the sexually empowered, prematurely adult female. The Mook doesn’t care what people think of him, but the Midriff is consumed by appearances. The Midriff is a repackaged collection of sexual clichés, but marketed as a form of empowerment. Your body is your best asset. Flaunt your sexuality even if you don’t understand it.² Celebutantes Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears seem to embody the essence of the Midriff. The marketing strategy is similar to that of the Mook: project the caricature to teens and they will embrace and begin to personify them. All you need to do is infuse a brand or product into a pre-designed teen market.”

Do You Trust Me?

Posted on February 25, 2009 by Tori

How many of you are brave enough to go to a sit down restaurant by yourself and have dinner? Or how many of you would head out to the movie theater alone? Not many of us, right? We’re relational beings, geared to live in community with one another. Children desire best friends, and teens move through their youth seeking out peers with whom they can relate.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and attachment lately. We’ve all heard of the “hook up” culture, and are aware of the ways teens are able to dive in and out of friendships and physical intimacy. It’s stunning sometimes to realize how quickly a “dating” relationship can begin, isn’t it?

During our program we talk to teens about what makes a healthy relationship. We talk about friendship, but also about dating. During our discussion, we bring up something called the Relationship Attachement Model, or RAM for short. (We don’t call it that with students, of course, but that’s what it is.) Scientists and psychologists have studied attachment theories and behaviors in people, and have basically come up with a description of what a healthy relationship looks like. If you click on the link, you’ll see a diagram that looks a lot like the graphic equalizer on your stereo. Allow me to explain.

Human beings generally build relationships (or become attached to someone) in a particular pattern. The RAM shows those five areas. The five levels of bonding are: knowing someone and being known, trusting someone and being trustworthy, relying on someone and being reliable, committing to someone, and finally, forming physical (sexual) bonds with that person. Each area builds on the other, based off the mental picture you gain of the other person during the time you spend together.

Each area can increase or decrease independently (i.e. you don’t have to know someone for long before you must rely on them for something – think about a job situation, for example), but they do affect one another. In any kind of relationship, however, the model works best when the first step, “knowing” is the highest level. All other steps (trust, rely, commit, touch) should work on a descending scale.

In other words, when talking with students we say, “You can’t trust someone more than you know them. You can’t rely on someone you don’t trust. You don’t want to commit to someone on whom you cannot rely. And you don’t let someone touch you who isn’t committed to you.”

Teens tend to jump from “know” to “touch” – and the knowing hasn’t happened for very long! And then they wonder why they experience various emotional or mental consequences of sexual activity. With this model, students can see that physical intimacy is really based on other factors – and for it to be good and appropriate, they need to be in balance, and in the context of real commitment.

For more information, feel free to see an article on the Relationship Attachment Model here.