After I wrote about Facebook etiquette last week, a reader sent us a link to a great article that I just had to share. This article alerts us to “10 Scary Facebook Status Updates” that might indicate our child is in trouble, emotionally or socially. We know that “drama” could be our teen’s middle name at times, but there are some comments that we need to take seriously…and explore what is behind them.
Would We Rather Not Know?
There is a dramatic disconnect between what parents think their own children are doing, and what they are really doing when it comes to alcohol and drugs. For example, while 52% of 10th graders admit to using alcohol and 28% say they’ve used marijuana in the past year, only 10% and 5% of parents, respectively, believe their teens have used these substances. As I’ve written previously, this is true for sexual activity as well…everyone thinks his child is more naive than his peers. Parents do, however, believe that other people’s kids are doing such things.
We need to ask ourselves, “Am I one of those naive parents?” We want to believe in and trust our kids…but even the best kids can make surprisingly stupid choices on occasion. after all, the “wisdom” and “self-control” part of the brain doesn’t mature until the mid-20s. We at least need to be alert, and should look for opportunities to have preemptive talks about these risky choices. The article reporting on these findings also has suggestions for parents.
A Teen’s Date’s Social Circle is Powerful Influence
I call still recall my disbelief when a dad at a parent presentation told me he had not yet met his 13-year-old son’s girlfriend of 3 months. I urged him to get to know this young lady pronto (and wanted to tell him that I thought dating in middle school at all was a bad idea). It seems that I could have also added, “and get to know her social network as well.”
A recent study showed that the friends of a teen’s significant other are more influential with regard to alcohol use that the teen’s own friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. My mind flashed back to the point at which I began to get drunk at parties in high school. It was when I was with my new boyfriend and his friends. When that boyfriend exited the picture (replaced by one who was not a drinker), my drunken episodes ceased. Similarly, when another date used pot, I did as well. Parents, it’s not enough to know your teen’s date; you need to know about their friend-group as well. Asking questions (“So have you made new friends now that you’re dating Alexa? Tell me about them….”) is a good start.
Some Teens Getting High on Cough Medicine
It’s easy to think “It won’t happen in my family.” That is, until the day your life changes forever. That happened to Christy, whose 18-year-old son Ryan ended up with a 13-year prison sentence for an armed robbery he committed while high on cough medicine. Christy described her family as a “normal” suburban family, and her relationship with her son as a good one. Misty’s son Carl had been getting high with friends at sleepovers…again on high doses of cough medicine. Unfortunately, Carl’s mom, Misty, found Carl dead one day, from a lethal mix of several drugs, including dextromethorphan (DXM), the active ingredient in many over-the-counter cough medicines.
These two moms have joined with others to get the word out about this danger to teens. One in ten teens has gotten high on over-the-counter cough medicine, and one third of teens know someone who has taken cough medicine to get high. Find out more at fivemoms.stopmedicineabuse.org.
Never Give Up
I am a big reader, and love learning new things. In fact, I have just been reading up on youth and culture for about 3 hours straight. Here are some things I found out:
- Teens are sexting (sending explicit pictures of themselves to their peers) not just because of peer pressure, but because they are exploring what it feels like to be erotically appealing to the opposite sex.
- Parents must be fueling some of the sexualization of girls, because 8-year-olds don’t have money to buy trashy outfits.
- Some people who have previously perused porn unashamedly have concluded, in public forums, that their porn use has affected their ability to desire and appreciate their real life partners.
- After decades of decline, teen substance abuse is up these past three years.
I am feeling a bit depressed right now after all this bad news! Is there a bright side in this seemingly never-ending battle for the hearts and minds of our sons and daughters? Has our culture won the war? Do we throw up our hands in helpless defeat?
No. We can’t. We are parents. We love them, and want to see them have happy, healthy lives. We cannot control their behavior like we could when they were toddlers, but we have a responsibility to be wise guides. In the words of a sage writer: “Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.” In an often broken world, we can continue to point our children to the straight paths…the ones that will take them to the finish line strong in character and healthy in mind and body. It’s our JOB.
Skin and more on MTV’s hit “Skins”
I had heard about “Skins,” a new hit teen show (MTV, Monday night at 9 p.m) that had been accused of bordering on pornographic, and decided to watch it the other night. Your teen may argue that it shows “real” life. My take on it? That may be true IF you take the most ethically challenged, dysfunctional teen behavior, compact it into about 45 minutes, and don’t include a single character who deviates from the moral abyss these teens live in. These high schoolers’ lives revolve around constant sex (gay, bi and heteresexual), drugs, drinking, other risky behaviors, and bad language. So far, there has been rear nudity, but no frontal, and unlike in Britain (where the show originated), the swearing is bleeped out. The adult characters (at least in the episode I watched) are irresponsible buffoons . As I watched, I was filled with sadness at this picture of empty, lost and depressed teens. Life can be SO much better. Even the friendships–some of which are represented as deep–revolve around selfish hedonism. A real friend cares about what happens to you, and would caution against many of the foolish behaviors that are normalized in this show.
I see little worthwhile in this show. If you haven’t drawn the line on TV viewing yet, “Skins” may be a good place to start. To read more, including episode synopses, see this article by Parents Television Council.
A Simple Key to Keeping Your Kids Safe
Like many of you, I found it a struggle to have regular family meals during my kids’ teen years. There were softball games to attend, piano lessons, Dad’s out of town business trips, and so on. It was so much easier to just call home and tell the family “you’re on your own; pull out the leftovers.” One thing that we DID do, though, was have a regular (4 or 5 times a week) “family time” later at night. I’m glad that we had those regular times to engage with our children. It turns out that regular family time (and for most families, that’s a family meal together) is STRONGLY connected with better outcomes for teens. An important study that just came out points out that “a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so….Our surveys have consistently found that the more often children have dinners with their parents, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs, and that parental engagement fostered around the dinner table is one of the most potent tools to help.” Did you get that? Potent, according to Dictionary.com, means powerful, mighty, having or exercising great power or influence. If you think it’s the gourmet meal that matters, it’s not. If all you can manage is opening a can of chili, throwing on some grated cheese, and slicing up a few apples, that’s OK! The point is to have time to interact, and the study points out that “Three in four teens report that they talk to their parents about what’s going on in their lives during dinner.”
Alcohol+Teens=Trouble
It’s summer, and party time for many teens and college kids. While our society seems to have done a pretty good job getting the message out not to drink and drive, we’re not so good at making the connection clear about alcohol and sexual behaviors. A page you might want to share with you teen (or better, talk over) is Tips For Teens: The Truth About Alcohol from the Department of Health and Human Services.
In addition, these facts are enlightening:
- Using alcohol (as well as cigarettes, marijuana and other drugs) greatly increases the risk of early adolescent sexual activity. (Journal of Marriage and Family, 1990)
- Among the 33.9% of currently sexually active high school students nationwide, 23.3% had drunk alcohol or used drugs before their last sexual intercourse. (CDC Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, 2005)
- While “date rape drugs” are something to be aware of, it is more common for victims to be caught off guard because of alcohol or drug consumption. Analysis of a sample of urine drug tests of sexual assault victims demonstrated that alcohol was present in 63% of the victims, marijuana was present in 30% of the victims and “date rape” drugs…in about 3% of positive samples. (Journal of Reproductive Medicine. Vol. 45. 2000)
- So that there not be any confusion about consent, it needs to be clearly taught (particularly to males as the usual perpetrator) that the law considers someone who is inebriated as unable to consent. Thus, it is sexual assault or rape when there is sexual contact and one of the parties is drunk or under the influence of drugs.
Beer Pong
Heard of it? It’s a popular drinking game for teens today. And considering that many teens manage to snag their alcohol from a willing adult, the game is an easy one to play. Read this article and click on the video clip off to the right side of the screen to learn more about the game and the risks of binge drinking.
We’ve known for a long time that underage drinking leads to big problems. One study from CASA (2004) states, “Teens 15 and older who use alcohol are seven times as likely to have sexual intercourse (than non-drinking peers)…” Research from SADD adds to the list, telling us that almost 25% of teens who are sexually active used alcohol the last time they had sex.
Parents, please don’t think your kids aren’t involved. They could be. And even if they aren’t, chances are they feel the pressure to “join the fun”. What messages are we sending our teens about alcohol?
Not the Pot of Yesteryear
Pot is more potent than ever. What does that mean? The percentage content of THC, pot’s “active ingredient,” has more than doubled since 1983, according to a White House report released last week. Just like we see with the epidemic of STDs, the dangers of risky behaviors for today’s teens are far greater than for past generations.
Pot and your teen: Teens who report being depressed in the last year are more than twice as likely to smoke pot as teens who have not been depressed.