Parenting – Page 7 – Teen Decision

Talking About Sex: How Boys Handle the Conversation

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Tori

For many teens, talking with their parents about sex is something they find awkward. Interestingly, teens themselves sometimes find ways to “lighten up” conversations about sex. Researchers observed that, compared to girls, “Male adolescents used more sarcasm with their parent. They made it seem as if it was acceptable to joke around with their parent about sex….downplaying the seriousness of it and putting their parent and themselves at ease.” Interestingly, boys were more likely to use such sarcasm when talking to fathers. Boys also appeared to be slightly more willing to talk about the topic with a parent than girls.

So how do we make use of this information? Keep in mind that a boy may relieve discomfort by using sometimes startling sarcasm: “That rash I had last week was really a hickey, Mom.” Knowing that he is probably trying to lighten things up, it would be wise to not react as if this is a disrespectful stance, but instead join in the “banter” with a similarly playful comment or just a laugh.

In the upcoming weeks, I will continue to share findings from this study on how teens and parents talk about sex. The article is fairly “academic “in nature, but if you have the patience, and want to read some fascinating stuff, including real conversations teens had with their parents, click here for the whole article in the Journal of Adolescent Research.

Never Give Up

Posted on April 26, 2011 by Tori

I am a big reader, and love learning new things. In fact, I have just been reading up on youth and culture for about 3 hours straight. Here are some things I found out:

Teens are sexting (sending explicit pictures of themselves to their peers) not just because of peer pressure, but because they are exploring what it feels like to be erotically appealing to the opposite sex.

Parents must be fueling some of the sexualization of girls, because 8-year-olds don’t have money to buy trashy outfits.

Some people who have previously perused porn unashamedly have concluded, in public forums, that their porn use has affected their ability to desire and appreciate their real life partners.

After decades of decline, teen substance abuse is up these past three years.

I am feeling a bit depressed right now after all this bad news! Is there a bright side in this seemingly never-ending battle for the hearts and minds of our sons and daughters? Has our culture won the war? Do we throw up our hands in helpless defeat?

No. We can’t. We are parents. We love them, and want to see them have happy, healthy lives. We cannot control their behavior like we could when they were toddlers, but we have a responsibility to be wise guides. In the words of a sage writer: “Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.” In an often broken world, we can continue to point our children to the straight paths…the ones that will take them to the finish line strong in character and healthy in mind and body. It’s our JOB.

Why do we let them dress that way?

Posted on March 26, 2011 by Tori

As someone well past my prime, I do vicariously enjoy the fresh beauty of my daughters. Aaaah…to be young, and a size 2! But I also taught them how to dress modestly. As one of the students in a class I taught bluntly put it, “If it isn’t for sale, you shouldn’t be advertising it.” If you have boys, you may be concerned about their ability to concentrate in their classes with all that flesh making an appearance now that spring is here. (To be fair, we went on to discuss the responsibility boys bear for what they do with their eyes and thoughts).

Have you had these battles in your house…wondering where to draw the line when so many of your child’s peers are allowed to dress so immodestly these days? And interesting article in the Wall Street Journal has a few theories which may explain why, even if you have high standards in your home, your kids are swimming against the tide if they are dressed to show less.

I Am the Center of My Universe

Posted on March 18, 2011 by Tori

I just read about an English teacher at a prestigious public high school in Philadelphia who was suspended from her job for posting this on her blog: “My students are out of control. They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. ” Since I love teens, I found it disturbing that anyone would be teaching who felt this way. But, truth be told, when parents talk to one another, they sometimes guiltily express the same kind of frustration.

This isn’t new. I can still remember my shock when my normally patient mother whipped a couple of quarters in my direction for lunch money after I complained that she had made my sandwich with rye instead of white bread. I am certain that this event followed a long string of self-centered, narcissistic behaviors on my part. I’ve tried to remember this when faced with sometimes obstreperous* teens

But have teens risen to a new level of self-centeredness? Some experts think so. In the January 2010 issue of the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, researchers concluded that there has been a pronounced rise in narcissism among young people. One group of college students, over a 15 year period, went from 18% to 34% evidencing narcissistic personality traits. So, why is this happening? According to an article discussing this research, “Theories implicate parents, teachers and the media, which either allow or celebrate overly permissive attitudes toward individualism, and lead to an inflated and unwarranted sense of self-importance.”

Parents, we can be part of correcting this tendency, or at least we can purpose not to feed into it. When our kids do wrong, love them, but let them experience the consequences. No special pleading with teachers when Nathan gets a D due to laziness or poor planning. When Lupe misses the bus for the third time, let her pay to take a cab, My wise mother let my sister learn her lesson by doing this very thing. It won’t be long before our teens enter the real world…the one where they do not occupy the center of the universe. Our job is to prepare them.

*I love using new words. This one means “resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly.”

Mistakes We Make in Raising Tweens and Teens

Posted on February 8, 2011 by Tori

Most of us at some time or another wonder if we’re on the right track in that most-important job we call parenting. I found an article that outlines, in a few short paragraphs, 5 mistakes parents make. To whet your appetite…#1 is the mistake of Expecting the Worst. Interestingly, “Raising teenagers with negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most. According to a recent study conducted at Wake Forest University, teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.” Later in the article, parents are advised, however, not to ignore the “big stuff.” I don’t know about you, but to me it’s quite a balancing act…being savvy about all the risks and temptations facing our kids, while at the same time expressing confidence in their ability to make good choices. My takeaway? Let’s keep at it…we love them too much to think we’ve got it all figured out and can sit back on our heels and rest.

Foul language more frequent

Posted on November 12, 2010 by Tori

A teacher recently told me how appalled she was at the language she’d heard a student use in the school parking lot toward his mother. Yep…it was the “F” word. And mom didn’t say a thing, but took it.

Many of us have noticed an increased tolerance among young people for foul language. What isn’t clear is what role media may play in the increased use of crude language in everyday society. Is it that media is following a trend already in existence in society, or is media leading the way? What IS clear is that there has been a dramatic increase in crude language and swearing in the media. A study showed, among other things, that the use of the muted or bleeped “F” word increase 2,409% from 2005 to 2010! Other finding were that crude anatomical references doubled or tripled (depending on the word).

You might want to encourage your child to take take a stand (and maybe increase his or her intelligence a few IQ points at the same time) by NOT resorting to cussing. A boy started a No Cussing Club at his middle school in 2007, and has seen the idea spread throughout the world. He’s even been on Jay Leno! Why not forward a link to the club’s website to your teen? It might start on interesting conversation about the kind of language your child has been hearing among his or her peers.

What makes a teen want to be abstinent?

Posted on September 26, 2010 by Tori

A study done in 2001 that followed 1,112 teens over a period of four years, found out some interesting things about teens and sex.

the majority of abstinent teens said they were virgins because they were afraid of getting a disease or getting pregnant rather than because of conservative or religious philosophies against having sex before marriage;
rural teens were not more likely to be abstinent that urban teens; and
compared to sexually active teens, abstinent teens could list more reasons why virginity was important.

I have a few thoughts about these findings. First, while we don’t want to rely on fear alone to keep our kids abstinent, maybe the dad who told me about sitting down with his son and showing him pictures of STD infections on the internet was on to something. With 1 in 4 sexually active teens getting an STD, might a little fear be a useful tool? Second, we shouldn’t be naive and think that it’s only those city kids, not our nice suburban kids, who are having sex. Third, we need to make sure our kids are well-versed in the many reasons why abstinence is a good choice. Why not sit down and brainstorm reasons with your teen? They may get it that pregnancy and STDs are not a good thing, but have they thought about how choosing abstinence can foster self-control and self-respect? How a relationship can grow stronger when love is expressed creatively in other ways? One of our educators used to draw a line up on the board and have the students come up with Pros and Cons. I can imagine a conversation that goes something like this: “Honey, with all the pressures teens are facing these days, some of your friends are going to become sexually active, and maybe even pressure you to “do it” too. I’ve seen you make so many great choices, and I know you can make healthy decisions in this area too. But it’s tough to stand up for yourself if you haven’t thought through what you believe and what you’re going to say ahead of time. I thought maybe we could do a Pro/Con list on the question of whether or not teens should have sex.”

Teen Ethics Report Card…D’s and F’s

Posted on September 8, 2010 by Tori

A recent comprehensive national survey on the ethics of our nation’s youth revealed a shocking lack of morals. It is disheartening to know that among high school students, in the last 12 months:

Nearly two-thirds (71 percent) admit they cheated on an exam at least once
Almost all (92 percent) lied to their parents
Over two-thirds (78 percent) lied to a teacher
Forty percent of males and 30 percent of females say they stole something from a store

What does this mean to us as parents and other caring adults? First, we can’t naively assume that teens are telling us the truth. Certainly, we want to believe the best, but it behooves us to have our parental antennae out for suspicious behaviors, or cagey answers. When it comes to behaviors that threaten emotional and physical health (like sexual experimentation, smoking, drinking and drugs) we may want to put our teens’ health above our desire to respect their privacy. Yes, that means it may be OK to snoop, especially when a teen is insisting on too much privacy, or is acting suspiciously. Second, it’s time to have serious conversations about all sorts of ethical issues. The online article reporting on this survey gives some guidelines that are really helpful.

If you assume that the school is covering these character issues, well, they may be. But it’s not going to have nearly the same impact as a conversation with you. Mentoring with an eye toward ethical adulthood is still best done by a caring adult. Go on a walk after dinner, take an example from the news (there’s always some politician or media star acting badly), or tell a story from your youth as a conversation starter. Be creative. Help your child gain the backbone he or she needs to shine in a generation that too often doesn’t seem to know right from wrong.

Fast Facts on Teen Sex

Posted on July 9, 2010 by Tori

When we think of the consequences of teen pregnancy, or getting an STD, or the pain of a breakup, as parents we shudder. It’s perhaps our greatest fear that our precious children will have to deal with such “adult” things. Recently, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reported that while most measures of teens’ sexual behavior (like teen pregnancy) declined between 1991 and 2007, in the past two years progress has stalled. The authors wrote that:

Nearly half of all teens have ever had sex. Between 2007 and 2009 the proportion of students who ever had sex essentially remained unchange. [Note: reputable studies put this figure at between 42 and 46 percent].
More than one-third are sexually active–that is, they have had sex in the past three months.
More than 1 in 20 teens were younger than 13 when they first had sex.

We already know from the U.S. Center for Disease Control that as much as 40 percent of all teens have gotten an STD.

A couple weeks ago, Amplify held its first Parent support meeting. We had a great time sharing challenges, discussing strategies, and getting information on how to manage some of the concerns…both big and small…that we face as parents of teens. Check out our website, mylifeamplified.com, and you’ll find a wealth of information, as well as a notice about our upcoming meeting on July 27. Hope to see some of you there.