Parenting – Page 6 – Teen Decision

Teaching Teens to Recognize Abuse

Posted on February 19, 2012 by Tori

Do you know if your daughter or son would recognize when a relationship is in danger of becoming abusive? A personal story I tell to teens is about the time I was physically abused by a boyfriend. I had the good sense to break the relationship off at the first incident, but in retrospect, there were warning signs that the physical abuse was coming. I saw my boyfriend lose control of his temper with his family, and he had already begun verbally abusing me before the incident of physical abuse.

February is Teen Dating and Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, and I found myself wondering how we can prepare our sons and daughters to recognize unhealthy patterns in a relationship before it gets to the point of emotional or physical damage. I found a wonderful document, written to and for teens, about the warning signs of potentially abusive relationships. It’s put out by the American Psychological Association. I would urge every parent to print this out, and ask their teen to read it and then discuss it together. Every teen (guy or girl) will either be abused, or know someone who is. Let’s equip them to be strong and courageous in insisting on being treated with respect, and be advocates and wise guides for their friends who may be suffering an abusive relationship.

Virginity: a Renewed Conversation

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Tori

Pop culture seems to have a renewed obsession with talking about virginity, ranging from incredulity at Tim Tebow’s public commitment to wait until marriage, to a new TV show, Virgin Diaries, devoted to the subject. In an age when it seems like “everybody’s doing it,” voices are being heard more and more, saying “I’m waiting.” In fact, recent research indicates that a surprising number of young people have not been sexually active. “A report issued last year by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics found from 2006-08, 29 percent of women and 27 percent of men ages 15-24 had had no sexual contact with another person, up from 22 percent in 2002.” The article I read referencing that statistic has a couple of quotes from unashamed virgins…one of whom is a young man I met when he attended college with my daughter. Kevin has become a good friend of mine, and I tell his story to students I speak with about the choice to be abstinent. They need to know there really are guys who choose to wait…decent guys…the kind of guy a girl would want to marry some day. In the same article, our program, Amplify Youth Development, even gets a mention, with a quote from our program director about her decision to wait until marriage.

Your Child and the Pain of Rejection

Posted on December 11, 2011 by Tori

As parents, we will almost certainly watch our children experience the pain of social rejection, either by friends, or by a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are two pitfalls to watch out for as a parent. One is that we will internalize it, and empathize so deeply that we will have sleepless nights, or worse, interfere in the relationship (I hate to admit this, but my observation is that moms seem to struggle more with this). The other is that we will miss the pain that they are experiencing. I once missed an opportunity to support my child when her friend died, because I didn’t realize how close she and this girl had become. I regret that I wasn’t there for her more at the time. Or we might be tempted to dismiss or minimize the hurt. “Oh, there are other better guys out there for you.” “She didn’t really appreciate what a great guy you are anyway.” A fascinating study found that “feelings of social rejection activate regions of the brain that are involved in physical pain sensation….” In other words, emotional pain “hurts” like physical pain. The researchers also “point out that the findings affirm the wisdom of cultures around the world that use the same language—words like ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’—to describe the experience of both physical pain and social rejection.” The best thing we can do when our child is experiencing the intense pain of rejection is to lend a sympathetic ear. We need to show our love and support by listening and by understanding that the pain, even though we know it won’t last forever, is quite real to our son or daughter.

Would We Rather Not Know?

Posted on October 16, 2011 by Tori

There is a dramatic disconnect between what parents think their own children are doing, and what they are really doing when it comes to alcohol and drugs. For example, while 52% of 10th graders admit to using alcohol and 28% say they’ve used marijuana in the past year, only 10% and 5% of parents, respectively, believe their teens have used these substances. As I’ve written previously, this is true for sexual activity as well…everyone thinks his child is more naive than his peers. Parents do, however, believe that other people’s kids are doing such things.

We need to ask ourselves, “Am I one of those naive parents?” We want to believe in and trust our kids…but even the best kids can make surprisingly stupid choices on occasion. after all, the “wisdom” and “self-control” part of the brain doesn’t mature until the mid-20s. We at least need to be alert, and should look for opportunities to have preemptive talks about these risky choices. The article reporting on these findings also has suggestions for parents.

Parents Who Encourage Teens to Have Sex at Home

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Tori

Oh, please! Really? Parents who invite their teens to “do it” at home so they can be “safer”?

When I read an article about a parent who appeared on Good Morning America in June to extol the benefits of allowing her 17-year-old daughter to have sex with her boyfriend at home, I had to shake my head. Her reasoning included the fact that it was “clean” and there were condoms in the bedside table drawer.

We’ve known for years that teens who think their parents disapprove of sexual activity are more likely to choose abstinence. It was telling that two teens invited to be panelists on the show had serious misgivings about the idea: “If your boyfriend knows or whoever knows that there is a perfectly open available house I think that takes away one of your big excuses,” Kelly Lund, 17, said. Grace McVey added, “You’re like, ‘No, I can’t. My parents would kill me.’ But if that whole thing is gone, like, what do you say?”

It is sad when parents not only fail to protect their teens, but instead are giving a push toward risky behavior (both emotionally and physically) that some young people secretly may not even want.

A Great Free Event for Parents!

Posted on August 17, 2011 by Tori

I just wanted to pass along an invitation to a free event for parents coming up on August 24th, cosponsored by some friends of ours at Helping Girls Navigate Adolescence. Dr. Madeline Levine will be at Glenbard South High School discussing how affluence affects our kids. Learn more at HGNA’s website, www.hgna.org.

Talking About Sex: How Parents Handle the Conversation (Part 2)

Posted on June 29, 2011 by Tori

At the last parent presentation I did, a parent asked for advice on how to talk to a VERY reluctant teen. It seemed that this teen stonewalled, disappeared…in short did anything possible to avoid having any talks about sex and dating. I remembered an insight from the article, referred to in past blogs, about parent-teen conversations about sex. The authors pointed out that some teens may be “embarrassed, uncomfortable, are afraid of tarnishing their parent’s image of them, and do not want to be judged or looked down upon.” With that in mind, and remembering the tactics of some parents in the study, I suggested this strategy: Talk about someone else. It is much easier to discuss “that poor girl who was drinking and driving and killed her best friend who was in the passenger seat” or to mention “Remember Danny, who you used to play with when you were in grade school? I heard his girlfriend had to drop out of school because she’s pregnant.” The conversation (and parental input) can then continue in the context of someone else’s poor choices, in a much less direct way. It is assuredly best to be direct, but for those teens who just can’t bear the embarrassment of talking about such things with Mom or Dad…give the indirect route a shot.

Talking About Sex: How Parents Handle the Conversation (Part 1)

Posted on June 10, 2011 by Tori

Don’t freak out. That’s the advice I always include in my conversations with parents about HOW to talk to teens about sex. What I mean, is: stay calm and matter-of-fact, and “never let them see you sweat.” Apparently, my recommendations are spot on. The study I’ve been mining for information on teen-parent sex talks, has several interesting things to say about how parents can communicate effectively with their teens about sex. Here is just a bit of what they advise, based on the research:

“The results [of the study] suggest that the more parents are receptive to their adolescents’ opinions and ideas, attempt to keep the conversation informal or casual, and remain composed during the conversation, the less likely their adolescents are to report being anxious during the discussions, which, in turn, made them less avoidant As the current research and some previous work suggests (e.g., Mueller & Powers, 1990), parents need to create an atmosphere that is conducive to mutual interaction in which they are open to their children’s opinions, refrain from critiquing them, and are able to moderate their emotional reactions to their children’s ideas.”

Just in case you think this means that you are not to share your opinions on sex, dating and relationships, au contraire. The study actually found NO correlation between parental “dominance”…meaning how directive they were (giving counsel and instruction) and teens’ openness to talking. Apparently, teens aren’t put off by parents who give clear, calm advice and, the researchers theorize, expect parents to do so. So next time you make time for a chat about sex or dating with your teen, take a deep breath, and casually, but confidently, turn the conversation to the topic you want to cover.

Talking About Sex: How Girls Handle the Conversation

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Tori

Unlike boys, who tend to joke around when a parent tries to broach the topic of sex, girls tend to take the topic more seriously, according to a study we began to learn about last week. This apparently leads to one of two reactions: extreme anxiety and avoidance of the topic altogether, or openness and a high level of comfort in talking to a parent about sex. Avoidance is especially likely when girls feel their mothers are adopting a moralistic “instructive” tone, rather than sharing information in a factual way.

So if we happen to make it past the first sentence or two…what about these conversations we are having with our daughters? Well, according to one study, 33% of important sexual topics or not being discussed with daughters. While that reflects significant gaps in our communication, the same study showed 75% of these topics were not being discussed with adolescent sons…an even worse track record. We seem to be covering more topics with girls, while the study found that discussions with sons tended to focus on “scare tactics,” such as discussion of STDs and pregnancy.

Parents, lets continue to talk with our daughters about sex, keep the tone calm and factual, and try to include more discussion about relational aspects of sexual activity with our sons. Next week’s blog will discuss what this fascinating study had to say about how to set the stage for a more comfortable talk that will trigger less avoidance and awkwardness on the part of our teens.