I Can’t Trust My Child Anymore

Posted on by Tori

I never thought I’d find myself quoting Lady Gaga, but I like this (edited for decency) saying:  “Trust is like a mirror:  You can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that reflection.”  I know what she means.  Once our child loses our trust, it’s VERY hard to get it back.  In a real way, the person I thought my son or daughter was, is no more.  My image of my happy family has perhaps even been shattered.  The betrayal (even when forgiveness has been asked and given) can color our every upcoming interaction with our child.  Do I really know her?  Is he telling the truth…today?  Or lying again?  I’ve even wondered (maybe you’ve been there too)…will this cloud ever lift?

Our children will let us down.  They will deeply disappoint us. They are our greatest joy, and the cause of our greatest pain.  But their future is not written yet.  They need us to believe they can change…and to give them the hope that they can and will be restored in their relationship with us.  But they have a job to do too…and it’s to work hard at regaining our trust.  I found a great article that answers a teen’s question “I Lost My Parent’s Trust. How Can I Get it Back?”  If your teen is frustrated because things aren’t “back to normal,” this can help them understand what they need to do…and why it takes time.  Talking over the article could help the healing, and set the family on the path back to trusting them again.

The Messy Room

Posted on by Tori

I am visiting a relative right now, and was surprised to see my nephew’s messy room through an open door.  My nephew is an outstanding guy in every way.   And yet…that ROOM!  It brought back memories of my own daughters’ rooms, which looked the same in their adolescent years…in between times when their dad and I went to war with them over their messiness.  So what’s going on with this?    I found an excellent article from Psychology Today, describing the phenomenon first, and giving wise advice next.  Says psychologist Carl Pickhardt “Usually beginning in early adolescence (years 9 – 13) as a function of personal disorganization brought on by more growth change than the young person can easily manage, this state of internal confusion and external disarray quickly attracts parental attention. So to begin with, parents need to understand that early adolescents are honorably disorganized. Their life in childhood has begun to fall apart…. And they don’t know where they grow from here.”

After helping the parent understand how adolescent internal chaos leads to external disorganization, I expected Dr. Pickhardt to advise just closing the door and letting your son or daughter be.  But NO.  He recognizes that the messy room can become an environment that is hard for the teen brain to work in, or (more critically) a battleground for a power struggle.  If so, it may be unwise to relinquish what he calls “a supervisory role” for the parent.  He advises: “Remember,if your child knows you will keep after the small responsibilities, like cleaning up a messy room, he or she also knows this shows you will be keeping after big stuff like obedience to major rules. So cleaning up the messy room is in fact an issue to keep fighting for.”

He even goes on to give specific answers to these objections: “Just close the door and keep out and the mess won’t bother you,” and “This is my room and you can’t come in without my permission.”  Read HERE for suggested responses and more ideas from Dr. Pickhardt.

Lying, Cheating and Stealing…it’s What Teens Do

Posted on by Tori

A recent study showing an uptick in honesty among American teens prompted the founder of the organization conducting the study, Michael Josephson, to say “I think we have turned the corner.”

From 2010 to 2012, the changes include:

  • Stealing, down to 20% from 27%
  • Lying to a teacher, down to 55% from 61%
  • Cheating on an exam, down to 51% from 59%
  • Lying to parents about something significant, down to 76% from 80%

The percent of teens still, shall we say, “deficient” in character, is troubling.  It makes you wonder what you don’t know, doesn’t it?  Indeed, Josephson commented, “It’s a small ray of sunshine shining through lots of dark clouds.”

Mom and Dad…let’s not grow weary in educating our children to be young men and women of integrity.  We’ve clearly got a lot of work to do!  We CAN have hope that we can make a difference–Josephson attributed some of this significant uptick in teen integrity to parents who are increasingly concerned with teaching their children that honesty is important.   

Is There Still a Double Standard?

Posted on by Tori

Not as much as there used to be, according to an American Sociological Association study of college students who were asked their opinions about peers who hook up “too much.”  They judged females and males about equally negatively.  So the “boys will be boys” excuse no longer holds sway with older teens and 20-somethings.

What about younger teens?  The responses my students in middle and high schools give when asked about the social standing of boys and girls who are known to be having sex (teens talk), appear at first to support the double standard.  For the most part, they agree that for a boy, at least in the eyes of the other guys, his social status goes up, while girls are called ugly names when they are known to have had sex.  What I help the guys see, however, is that while their “rep” as a player may get them high-fives from their buddies, the girls most definitely are disgusted by their behavior.

The ASA study shows that the hookup culture, while alive and thriving on college campuses, is being revealed as a negative trend, and at least by the time teens have observed or experienced “too much” promiscuity, they are left soured by the experience.  Let’s hope our sons and daughters are apt observers of their peers, and decide they don’t need to learn the hard way, but instead choose abstinence…and a good reputation.

Fathers’ Attitudes and Teen Sex

Posted on by Tori

Until recently, most studies focused on how mothers affect teens’ decisions about sex.  But now, a researcher at New York University confirms what we might suspect…that dads make a difference too.   An October 22 article in the Washington Post reported on the results of a study with this conclusion:   “A new review of studies suggests that fathers’ attitudes toward teen sex and their relationships with their teens can substantially influence their teens’ sexual behavior, separately from the influence of mothers. The review demonstrated that fathers’ attitudes toward teen sexual behavior were linked to the age at which teens first had sex. According to studies included in the review, those teens whose dads approved of adolescent sexual activity tended to begin sexual activity earlier than those teens whose dads did not approve. An additional finding was that teens that were closer to their fathers tended to start having sex later.”

For my female readers, consider forwarding this on to the men you know who can be encouraged with the news that they CAN make a difference for the better in the lives of their children.

Dating Gone Bad

Posted on by Tori

Just today, I asked a class of junior high students to stand up if they either knew someone who had dated a jerk, or had dated a jerk themselves.  EVERY student stood up.  By the time we see kids at the end of high school, there are a lot of cynical, bitter young men and women who don’t hold out much hope for finding someone kind and respectful to date.  So how can you help your teens recognize bad behavior…before they get themselves deep into a relationship?

From loveisrespect.org, the “Power Wheel”  provides an amazing and powerful tool you can use to help your son or daughter recognize various examples of bad behavior in relationships.  Each segment of the wheel has a video you can click on, where teens act out a story line which illustrates various abuses of power (such as intimidation, controlling behavior, isolation and exclusion, jealousy, etc.).  This could be especially helpful if you suspect your teen or a teen you know might be in an abusive or controlling relationship, or might be heading toward BEING that controlling, abusive dating partner.  Watching the videos together, and discussing them, would be a great talking tool as you prepare your teen to insist on and expect respect in his or her current or future relationships.

Home Alone…and Having Sex

Posted on by Tori

When I get teens talking about situations to avoid, one of the ideas they come up with is “Don’t be home alone.”  Indeed, this is a WISE idea.   One study of urban teens showed that “Among the respondents who had had intercourse, 91% said that the last time had been in a home setting.”  More often it was at the boy’s house.   So teens on a Saturday night date making out in the back seat of the car may NOT be the most common impetus to sex.  Instead, it’s an overabundance of unsupervised time…after school…during the summer…when parents are at work.   “The likelihood of intercourse, the number of partners for intercourse, and substance use increased as the amount of unsupervised time increased.”

This is not surprising, of course.  But what the researchers pondered about this bears thinking about.  It might not JUST be a lack of opportunity that keeps some kids from having sex.  It could be that parents whose children have less unsupervised time consequently have more time relating to their parents and siblings.  They may be pursuing clubs, sports or other activities that give them a sense of purpose and self-esteem…and keep them occupied.  Two teens, with hormones, and too many hours with nothing fun to do might just be bored.  And that’s a recipe for a pregnancy or an STD.   If the summer is stretching on, help your teen keep out of trouble by helping him or her come up with some plans to do something fun and productive.

Bad Language in Books Fosters Teen Profanity

Posted on by Tori

I’ve sometimes wondered about the profanity-laced conversations teens are having these days.  Where is it coming from?  Yes, I know that teens have always been tempted to add a little swagger to their social presence with a shocking word or two.  But why has it become so much more socially acceptable to youth?  Could it be their role models?  A study of adolescent bestsellers revealed that there were 38 swear words on average in the 40 top-selling adolescent novels.  This includes words coming out of the mouths of the some of the most popular characters in the Twilight and Harry Potter novels.  The article revealing this states: “While bad language has been studied in film and on TV extensively this is the first to document its use in books aged at teens – which unlike over media have no content warning or age restriction.”  It also points out that “From a social learning standpoint, this is really important because adolescents are more likely to imitate media characters portrayed in positive, desirable ways.”

The recommendation?  “Parents should talk with their children about the books they are reading.”

Teen Sex: Rethinking the Rewards

Posted on by Tori

In an interesting Wall Street Journal article, “What’s Wrong With the Teenage Mind?” the author referred to a study that suggests that adolescents “aren’t reckless because they underestimate risks, but because they overestimate rewards—or, rather, find rewards more rewarding than adults do.”  The reward centers of the adolescent brain are activated with an intensity greater than that of the adult brain.  Think of  first love, the forbidden fruit of sneaking a smoke, putting the pedal to the floor of Dad’s car, etc.

And what reward is the strongest?  The article says that “What teenagers want most of all are social rewards, especially the respect of their peers. In a recent study by the developmental psychologist Laurence Steinberg at Temple University, teenagers did a simulated high-risk driving task while they were lying in an MRI brain-imaging machine. The reward system of their brains lighted up much more when they thought another teenager was watching what they did—and they took more risks.”

I just finished a week in a school where the boys were admitting that they biggest pressure they faced was from other boys urging them to become sexually active with their date or girlfriend.  This was no surprise to me, as “bragging rights” is almost always on top of the list of reasons teens give for having sex.

If it’s so rewarding to be able to brag about sexual exploits, getting the admiration and high-fives of one’s buddies, what can parents and other caring adults do to counteract that? Perhaps elevating the risks to front-of-mind more frequently might help.  But even better, help them think through the benefits of being abstinent.  Since keeping the conversation going is important, why not sit down together with your son or daughter and come up with a list of all the benefits (besides avoiding STDs and pregnancy) of being abstinent?  Setting an exciting picture of the future before them might just make the temporary kudos of peers pale in comparison.

 

Supervision and Communication Critical to Reducing Teen Sex

Posted on by Tori

After again perusing the literature about teen sexual activity, I’ve culled out a few bits of helpful information in list form.  These facts may help you as a parent, as you guide your teen:

  • Most teen sexual activity happens in the boy’s home, the girl’s home, or a friend’s home.
  • Teens who date earlier, have sex earlier, and have more partners.  They also are more likely to contract STDs and get pregnant.
  • A teen who dates someone 2 years or more older is much more likely to have sex, and get pregnant.
  • More teens lose their virginity in December and June than other months. (Lack of supervision? Prom?)

And finally, to give you some ideas for positive “action items,”

  • Teens whose parents monitored them more closely were less likely to become sexually active.
  • Teens who had more family activities (including family dinners) per week were more likely to abstain from sex.
  • Teens whose parents communicated the risks of sexual activity and expressed the expectation that their teen would wait, were less likely to have sex.

For more helpful facts about parental influence on teens’ sexual choices, click HERE