In the decade plus that Amplify has been speaking to teens, the sexualization of teens, especially girls, has been escalating at an alarming rate. So Sexy So Soon author, Jean Kilbourne, has been named by The New York Times Magazine as one of the three most popular speakers on college campuses. And now, parents have an opportunity to hear her speak in DuPage County next month. She will be at Glenbard West on April 15 for a free presentation (information HERE). Her topic will be “Deadly Persuasion: The Impact of Media on our Sons and Daughters.” She is also speaking ($10) at Herrick Middle School in Downers Grove at 7 p.m. April 16, where she will be focusing on “How Being So Sexy, So Soon Can Impact our Girls.” Register for that presentation HERE.
Online-Only Relationship a Cause for Concern
The “Ask Amy” advice column in the Chicago Tribune had a question from parents who had discovered that their 14-year-old daughter had very close online-only contact with an 18-year-old boy. Because I’ve also talked to teens who talk about the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” they’ve never met, I realized this is something parents should be alert to. The advice, from Donna Rice Hughes of internetsafety101.org, may sound strict, but it strikes me as wise and necessary. The obvious answer in my mind would be to ban any further contact. But because a determined teen has ways to circumvent such a ban, she suggests:
“… you should check her texts (unannounced) to make sure they are not sexual and follow her presence on social media.
You should also open this up to the extent that you can get to know this young man whom she cares so much about. At her age, you as parents should make every effort to meet and get to know all of her friends, real world or virtual. This is non-negotiable.
Communicate with him via Skype, phone or email, with your daughter present and with an open attitude. Verify that he is who he says he is. (And does he know that she is 14?) Also connect with his parents to let them know of this relationship. Basically, you want to demonstrate to both that you are present and involved.
Limit your daughter’s phone time to make sure she gets her homework done and participates in family life. Encourage her to get involved with at least one school activity and help her to foster friendships closer to home.
Teens Less Likely to Smoke When Parents Set Limits
If you sometimes feel like you don’t know how to guide your teen through the various minefields they face, then you are not alone. Am I being too strict? Will they rebel against too-tight boundaries? Or am I too lenient, and will they take advantage of opportunities to stray? In the area of teen smoking, a Chicago Tribune article offers advice based on a new study showing that “parents who set limits are less likely to have kids who smoke, regardless of their ethnic and racial backgrounds.” Apparently, a style of parenting “associated with rule enforcement, curfews and set bedtimes, was more likely to go hand in hand with so-called anti-tobacco parenting strategies.” The article reported that this type of parenting was linked to a lower chance the teen would initiate smoking at all. Specifically, the anti-tobacco strategies included things such as:
- Punishing a child if he or she has been caught smoking
- Discussing with the child the motivations behind smoking
- Talking about the dangers of smoking
He’s Hot, She’s Hot. Judging a Book by its Cover.
I wonder…how much do we really judge based on externals? “He’s hot,” “she’s hot” are frequent descriptors teens use in everyday conversation. We’re not immune as parents. Why do we secretly enjoy it when our kid dates an attractive guy or girl? Don’t we want our teen to believe it when we say “character counts”?
If we want to direct our teens to think about how they might be affected by a culture that values looks, perhaps the following provocative sayings might lead to interesting conversation around the dinner table tonight:
Boys think girls are like books. If the cover doesn’t catch their eye they won’t bother to read what’s inside. – Marilyn Monroe
That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. – Ninon de L’Enclos
You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul’s own doing. – Marie Stopes
One story I tell in the classroom is about my 20-something friend who married a young woman who is attractive, yes, but not drop-dead gorgeous. Because he’s a really good-looking guy, his own mom didn’t show up at the wedding because he could have done better. Yet his bride has the kind of character we would all want in a daughter or daughter-in-law! Our culture says he lost out…but I say, “Well done!”
Why Teens are So Self-Centered
Well, that explains it! Recent research has determined that when our son or daughter exhibits a breathtaking lack of compassion and understanding, it’s because of a deficiency in the ability to experience empathy. Empathy refers to the ability to share someone else’s feelings or perspective…to “step into his shoes.” As in other areas, boys are a bit older when their ability to empathize increases–15 rather than 13 like girls–according to the research. In a Huffington Post article, Psychologist Barbara Greenburg gives 5 tips on helping teens develop empathy. Here are three:
- Point out social cues.
- Make your teens aware of how much impact their behavior may have on others.
- Praise your teen when he or she exhibits empathetic behavior.
Helping Teens When They Fail
I just drove two teens to their third ACT test. They are on a quest to eek out a few more points in hopes of getting into the best schools. I remember taking the test just once, and not worrying much about it. Today’s teens seem to fear failure more than previous generations. And who can blame them? Failure, in the teen world, can be associated with being a “loser” or being “stupid.” John Eliastam writes in daddyzine.com that two trends make it especially hard for teens to deal with failure (which, after all, is inevitable). First, “Teenagers are especially prone to the instant gratification mentality and this can tempt them to give up if success doesn’t come quickly and easily. ” Second, parents can add unbearably high expectations. Says Eliastam, “From preschool, children are pushed to achieve, with competitive parents standing on the sidelines keeping score. This makes failure an almost impossible burden for a child to bear.” His article gives many suggestions under 5 categories for how a parent can be a “life coach” who helps his or her teen learn how to handle failure, learn from it, and persevere:
- Getting Perspective
- Developing Persistence
- Learning Patience
- Redefining Success
- Avoiding the Comparison Trap
Is it Sibling Rivalry? Or an “In-House” Bully?
When brothers Nate and Joel go at it at home, and there’s hitting and yelling, is it just to be expected? Or is it time to step in? Particularly when one child is always the aggressor, the answer is “Yes.” An article in the Chicago Tribune interviewed author and psychoanalyst Jeanne Safer about her work with patients who are carrying mental and emotional (sometimes even physical) scars from such childhood bullying. She says, “You’re bullied in your safe haven, in your bedroom, at the dinner table, in the backyard, when your friends come over. This is a problem hiding in plain sight.” The Tribune article cites a recent study that ties sibling aggression to “significantly worse” mental health in kids who experience this type of familial bullying. One thing Safer says when urging parents to have a no tolerance policy, is that “Parents need to tell the abused child, ‘You do not have to tolerate this, and I will help you defend yourself. I will get your brother or sister professional help, and I will not permit them to harm you.'” Parents who tolerate abuse, thinking that kids will toughen up, or work it out, are setting up both of their kids to suffer later. Your bullied child needs you to go to bat for him or her, and your child who bullies needs to learn now to change, rather than become an adult who continues to bully.
Teens Who Don’t Have Sex Say It’s Because…
“Among those teens who haven’t had sex, the primary reason they give for…well…not doing it is that having sex at this point in their lives is against their religion or morals, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.” This quote comes from a Washington Times op ed by Sarah Brown from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, in which she discusses the difference that faith may have on the sexual choices of teens today. She continues, “Research makes clear that religion, faith, and a strong moral sense play vital roles in protecting teens from too-early sexual activity and teen pregnancy. In particular, being connected to a religious community has been linked with a decreased risk for teen pregnancy. Moreover, a survey we released this week suggests that the majority of Americans want more from religious groups rather than less. Some 52 percent of adults and 57 percent of teens think religious leaders and groups should be doing more to help prevent teen pregnancy.”
This leads me to a suggestion. If any of you, among my readers, belong to a faith community, Amplify Development offers our program to you and you teens. We also do parent workshops. Although the vast majority of our speaking engagements are in a secular forum–public schools–our message has broad appeal to teens in various settings. From our website amplifyyouthdevelopment.com: “We work with both public and private institutions, ensuring that we teach our curricula in a manner consistent with the values of each of our partner organizations. Our program is based on current research about sexual health, bonding, and relationship formation. We are careful to teach in a sensitive manner that allows for multiple points of view while communicating the core message that abstinence from sexual activity outside of marriage is the safest and healthiest choice.” If you want to bring our program to your youth group or community group, give Andrea Nelson a call at 630-493-1523.
Help Your Anxious Teen
I can vividly remember the day I had a terrible stomachache at school…and an upcoming test. I was in so much pain, I called my mom to come take me home. The moment I got in the car, the stomach pain started to go away, and was gone in minutes. I felt guilty…but I really HAD been sick. No doubt, it was anxiety that tied my stomach in knots. On occasion, I can still can be prone to these kinds of physical manifestations of emotional distress.
Sometimes teens express that they are anxious and worried, and sometimes they don’t recognize the signs. I found a great article that walks parents through how to talk to their teens about anxiety, including another page on how to recognize the signs and help your child deal with it.
I’m Free to Do What I WANT! You can’t stop me.
It’s true. If a teen wants to do something foolish or dangerous, we can’t physically tie them down. But we don’t have to participate. Teens need to believe that you take lying and dishonesty, and breaking moral boundaries (whatever those are in your family), VERY seriously. One father I know would not allow his 15-year-old daughter to stay overnight with her boyfriend, have sex openly, and still be a fully included part of the family. He, with the support of his wife, and with great sorrow, said she had a choice. He couldn’t stop her from going to live with her boyfriend as she threatened (why his mother unaccountably allowed this is a mystery to me). But if she did, she couldn’t come home when she felt like it and enjoy all the benefits of full harmony, support, and participation in family life. He wouldn’t support or condone her choice. Because he loved her.
This young lady was free to foolishly rebel, but not free to enjoy the day-to-day closeness of her loving family. It was the approaching holidays and missing her family that woke her up to the consequences of her “free” choice. She came home, broke it off with her boyfriend, and made a complete change in her life. Four years down the road, the family has complete trust in this once wayward, rebellious daughter.
This “tough love” approach won’t always bring results like this, but the alternative to putting down our foot can be chaos in the home, damage to other siblings, and a child who learns that boundaries can be crossed at will. For more on the tough love option, read the article (CLICK HERE) “What Tough Love Is, and What It Isn’t.”