Tori – Page 9 – Teen Decision

Are the Duggars Crazy or Brilliant?

Posted on April 8, 2014 by Tori

Ben Seewald, Jessa Duggar, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard — Discovery / Jim Bob Duggar, from NBCnews.com

At a workshop for parents of middle schoolers last week, I got a question about the Duggar family’s rules on dating. The Duggars, I was told, don’t allow kissing or even hand-holding in their daughters’ relationships. (I went home and looked up the story, which you can read here.)

The parent asked, “Is that extreme, or do you really think there is a method to what they’re doing?”

Certainly, compared to the vast majority of today’s dating couples, the rules sound extreme. But to be fair to the Duggars, I thought I would share a little bit about the science that might make their methods make sense.

Physical touch is a powerful component in any relationship. Studies of infants who grow up with little or no physical affection have shown us that touch is even more complex and powerful than we could have imagined, affecting everything from the ability to heal cuts and bruises to the development of social and emotional skills. Touch has the power to evoke sexual arousal, to increase feelings of trust and attachment, and to solidify more positive memories with a person. All of these things should cause us to think carefully about who we touch, how and when.

Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, developed a helpful diagram for understanding how to build a healthy relationship. His main idea (which we teach in all of our classes) is to get to know someone first, before you start to trust them. Trust someone before you rely on them. Test that person’s reliability before you commit to them. And make sure your level of physical intimacy is lower than your level of commitment. In the Duggar family, saving a first kiss for marriage means the level of physical touch will be much lower than their level of commitment, until the end of the marriage vows. Does that make them crazy, or brilliant?

As parents, we would do well to help our children understand the power of physical touch. Talk with your child before he or she starts dating about setting physical boundaries and why those boundaries matter. For example, how long should a couple wait to hold hands? Is it appropriate to lay in bed together watching a movie on the second date? What about on the tenth date? Should a couple ever kiss on a first date?

What are your guidelines for dating and physical intimacy?

Teen driving: Define “under the influence”

Posted on April 3, 2014 by Tori

Only 5% of teens admit to occasionally driving under the influence of alcohol. But another 9.5% of teens (1 in 10 of the teens who say they never drive under the influence) admit that they do occasionally drive after having had at least one alcoholic beverage. Confused?

These statistics (from a new study by Liberty Mutual Insurance and SADD) remind me of far too many of my experiences with teens. Something that I feel I have made abundantly clear (“Don’t drive under the influence of alcohol!”), and which teens readily agree to (86% of teen drivers agree that driving under the influence is extremely or very distracting), somehow manages to develop a magical grey area that teens use to justify risky behavior.

Take, for example, teens’ scary definition of a designated driver. 47% of teens admit to using a designated driver (yay!) but 21% say a DD is allowed to have “a little” alcohol or other drugs and another 4% define a DD as the “most sober” person in the group (*sigh*).

Such is parenting. It seems that in the area of safe driving, we need to regroup (again) and have a couple heart-to-hearts with our kids. Let’s remind them that people of all ages always feel less impaired than they really are and the safest choice (even for those of legal drinking age) is to have a completely sober driver. And while you’re at it, discuss texting and phone use while driving too. Remind them that reading a text is just as distracting as typing a text, both count as “texting,” and neither is acceptable behind the wheel of a car.

Have any good rules or conversations for teens and driving? Share them in the comments!

Talk About Real Beauty with Your Children

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Tori

In recent years, Dove has tried to create a niche for itself by promoting real beauty and self-esteem. Granted, it still sells beauty products, and what I am sharing in this post is still an ad, but it provides a helpful reminder, nonetheless. Warning — if you try to avoid images of scantily clad women, this video is not for you.

(Video from link here.)

We are all impacted by advertising, and now part of parenting is helping your children sift through advertising’s messages. It’s a tough job, but it is necessary. Here are some activities and conversations to try with your kids (boys and girls):

– Pick a time to do an “ad purge” of your house. Make a competition to see how many ads or examples of marketing your kids can find throughout the house. (If you want to de-clutter at the same time, throw away or recycle as much as you can.) Examples of what you might find: magazines, catalogs, political mailings, all forms of product packaging, coupons, in-app ads on mobile devices, TV, radio, the backs of books, and the list goes on.

– Collect several examples of health and beauty products in your house. Read the packaging, front and back, with your kids. How does it sound? Do you believe it? Is it scientific sounding or fanciful? For younger kids, ask them to write packaging for a beauty product that they invent and talk about it. For older teens, ask them how they select which products they will use.

– Pick a day to go without make-up as a family. I’ve known whole schools to make a no-make-up day, encouraging teachers and students alike to show their bare face to world. Talk about whether make-up is easy or difficult to give up.

What other ideas can you think of for encouraging your kids to see real beauty?

STD Prevention that starts early — but not how you think!

Posted on March 21, 2014 by Tori

STD prevention can, and should, start in elementary school — but not by distributing condoms or teaching explicit sex ed. Data from the University of Washington looked at risk factors from early in life that predicted a higher number of STDs during the later teen years. There have been many correlations drawn between early sexual debut (the definition of “early” in this study was before age 15) and higher numbers of sexual partners as well as higher numbers of STDs. According the article, “Of youth in the study who became sexually active before age 15, more – about a third – had an STD compared with about 16 percent of those who were older when they started having sex.”

Correlations were also found between youth who grew up in well-managed households with rules, discipline and rewards and later sexual debut. Students who were engaged in school and had positive feelings towards school and their teachers were also less likely to have sex early, as well as students whose friends did not get into trouble. So the secret ingredients to STD prevention (or, some of them, anyway) seem to be a positive, well-managed home environment, strong school engagement, and friends who have a positive influence. Not a huge surprise to those who work with youth, but helpful information nonetheless.

What can YOU do? If you are a parent, continue to learn about positive models of discipline, and don’t shy away from the tough battles during the early teen years. Some of the critical years looked at in the study were ages 10-14. Also, try to find support from one or two other parents who can encourage you in your disciplinary efforts. Raising teens is HARD. You’ll need friends who can act as both coach and cheerleader to make your job a *little* easier.

If you are NOT a parent, look for ways to support positive youth development in your community. Support local schools, volunteer with after school programs, or simply be a friendly, encouraging face to the teens bagging your groceries.

And if you have influence in the community or local school system, support programs that encourage early family engagement and youth development — as early as elementary school. Find ways to encourage teachers and administrators to create positive school environments and fund efforts at early intervention. The earliest STD prevention may look nothing at all like sex education, but if you can help families start off on the right foot and get students engaged in school, it makes a difference!

Popular Speaker on Teen Issues Coming to DuPage

Posted on March 19, 2014 by Tori

In the decade plus that Amplify has been speaking to teens, the sexualization of teens, especially girls, has been escalating at an alarming rate. So Sexy So Soon author, Jean Kilbourne, has been named by The New York Times Magazine as one of the three most popular speakers on college campuses. And now, parents have an opportunity to hear her speak in DuPage County next month. She will be at Glenbard West on April 15 for a free presentation (information HERE). Her topic will be “Deadly Persuasion: The Impact of Media on our Sons and Daughters.” She is also speaking ($10) at Herrick Middle School in Downers Grove at 7 p.m. April 16, where she will be focusing on “How Being So Sexy, So Soon Can Impact our Girls.” Register for that presentation HERE.

Learning about Chlamydia

Posted on March 11, 2014 by Tori

In talking with our teens about the risks they face if they’re sexually active, it’s a good idea to be informed about STDs. The DuPage County Health Department STD clinic offers (for $50) screening for 4 STDs: Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV. Chlamydia, is the most commonly reported STD in the U.S. From dupagehealth.org, and the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention fact sheet), we learn that:

Men or women can get chlamydia by having anal, vaginal, or oral sex with someone who has chlamydia.
It is a bacterial STD, which means that it can be cured with antibiotics.
You can be reinfected even after cured, if you again have sex with someone with chlamydia.
About 75% of women and 50% of men don’t know they are infected (they have no symptoms).
“It can cause serious, permanent damage to a woman’s reproductive system, making it difficult or impossible for her to get pregnant later on. Chlamydia can also cause a potentially fatal ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy that occurs outside the womb)” (CDC)
It can spread to a baby during birth, causing an eye infection or pneumonia in the newborn. Premature birth (and it’s risks) can also occur.
In men and women who have symptoms, it can produce symptoms such as an abnormal discharge from the penis or vagina and a burning sensation while urinating.
In DuPage County, two out of three cases of Chlamydia and Gonorrhea occur in people under 25 years of age.
DuPage County cases of Chlamydia have risen 81 percent since 2000.

Author: Tori