Tori – Page 30 – Teen Decision

A Bleg: Helping Each Other

Posted on January 21, 2009 by Tori

Instead of my usual post, I have a question this week. I want to know how we can help each other.

Parents, how can we at W4YM help you teach abstinence to your teens? What is it that you see as your biggest challenge or obstacle to overcome? What resources are you lacking? What help do you need?

Additionally, parents, if you have had success encouraging your teens to value and choose abstinence, help us out. How did you do it? What tactics did you use?

Let’s get some conversation going!

Hooked

Posted on January 15, 2009 by Tori

Parents,

There’s an excellent resource out there, one that’s fairly new on the bookshelves. It’s a book called Hooked, written by Dr. Joe Mcilhaney and Dr. Freda Bush. It’s a study on how casual sex (i.e. the rampant “hook up” culture that exists today) affects teenagers and young adults.

These doctors study the brain’s activity, specifically in relation to what happens to people as they engage in sexual activity. The results are rather astounding.

It’s an easy read, something you should definitely check out. If you are curious to hear more, check out this article here that lists other books written along the same line.

Happy New Year

Posted on January 8, 2009 by Tori

Hello Parents,

In honor of the New Year, I thought I’d post a few resolutions: “Ten Parenting New Year’s Resolutions.” Click the link to check the article. We work with tweens and teens at W4YM, but we like to encourage parents to work with and enjoy their kids while they are young, too. Not all these resolutions pertain to parents of teens – some are for elementary age kids – but they are all helpful. I especially like numbers 1-3, and 4, when I read it, had me laughing out loud.

Don’t feel like you have to strive for all ten! Pick one or two. And enjoy!

Findings on Marriage

Posted on December 22, 2008 by Tori

Christmas is only a few days away. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about family. We’re traveling halfway across the country to be with my husband’s family this holiday, and I am really looking forward to it. I love my “in-laws” – they are wonderful, warm, loving people. They are one of the reasons I think being married is great.

Speaking of being married, just the other day I received an update from www.familyfacts.org – the topic this month was a study on the benefits of marriage. They stayed away from the warm fuzzies and focused on pure practicality. Here are just a few of the findings:

1. On average, married couples are less likely than cohabiting couples to be in poverty.

2. Over time, married couples—with or without children—have a higher family income, on average, than all other family structures.

3. Married-couple households have, on average, substantially greater net-worth than households with other types of living arrangements.

For a full report, click here.

The Teen Brain: More on Morality

Posted on December 18, 2008 by Tori

Hi Parents,

A few posts ago I blogged about a recent study that talked about teens’ moral practices and their sense of self. Today I found another article that expanded on that topic a bit, focusing specifically on how teens’ brains develop morality in the first place. Here’s an excerpt:

“What has gone wrong? The commission began with a vital question: How do human beings develop a moral compass and strong character in the first place? Instead of answering from a therapeutic or “treatment” perspective, it started by examining the latest brain science.

According to the report, recent brain research indicates that children require two kinds of connections to flourish. First, they need strong, stable bonds with family and adults in the larger community. Second, they need a vision of life that offers meaning and purpose.

Our kids are failing to thrive, in good measure, because the social institutions that used to provide both kinds of connections have weakened in recent decades.”

What do you think? To see the whole article, click here.

“Abstinence-centric” Education?

Posted on December 11, 2008 by Tori

Yesterday I was teaching at a local high school. After the last class period, the health teacher walked up to me and handed me an article from the Chicago Sun Times. “Illinois could set tone for sex ed nationwide”, blared the headline. So, I read. Parents, you should read it here, too.

This article makes me upset for a variety of reasons. The most frustrating paragraph is the following: “In the place of ineffective abstinence-only sex education, we need comprehensive abstinence-centric sex education. What’s the difference? The former only preaches the need to wait. The latter also encourages teens to wait, but additionally teaches them how to negotiate condom use and how to practice safer sex, along with illustrating the realities of STDs and pregnancy. There’s a big difference in scare tactics and education — one is effective, and one isn’t.”

This paragraph makes me think this woman has never seen actually seen an abstinence-until-marriage program executed well. Yes, ATM (Abstinence-til-Marraige) education teaches students the need to wait. But I know of no ATM program that uses “scare tactics” to shock their listeners. Futhermore, although we do not explicitly show students how to use contraceptives, good ATM programs do alert them to the risks of STDs and pregnancy. They also report the failure rate of contraceptives. Consider the following:

1/4 sexually active teens contracts an STD. Condoms do reduce the risk of STDs transmitted by bodily fluid. They do not, however, protect as well against diseases passed by skin to skin contact. The HPV vaccine protects against 4 of the 100 strains of the virus. The yearly rate of pregnancy with perfect condom use is 16+/100 females. Actual use jumps up to closer to 30%. Teenagers who choose to be sexually active often suffer depression, and even suicidal feelings – boys more so than girls.

W4YM gives these statistics in order to encourage the message of waiting. Because we believe it is best, and we believe they can. We know many people who have.

Amd this is perhaps what bothers me most. The question that lingers in my mind is, “What happened to the concept of self control? Why do we insist on believing that, with our help, our teenagers cannot be self-controlled enough to choose abstinence before marriage?” ATM education believes in teens’ ability to control their desires. They believe teens to be smart, empowered, and able. They want to encourage them to healthy living – not just give it lip service. Telling a teenager, “You should wait, but you probably won’t be able to, so do it safely. Here’s a condom,” not only sends them a contradictory message, it undermines their belief in their own strength of character. This is harmful to their psychological growth and development.

Dr. Berman’s idea of sex education in essence says, “No, you can’t. This might protect you. Good luck.” Abstinence-until-marriage education says, “Yes, you can. And I will help you.”

*If you’re curious about the statistics above, check out the Center for Disease Control, Stan Weed’s testimony before the House of Representatives, and the CASA teen survey from 2004.

**If you are curious to find out more about Dr. Berman’s philosophy towards sex, see her website . Please note that her site does not reflect the opinions or beliefs of W4YM.

Posted on December 2, 2008 by Tori

There’s an article all over the web this week. It’s titled, Students Cheat, Steal, But Say They’re Good. I know it doesn’t have a very encouraging ring to it. But I read it, and I wonder what you think, parents.

Consider this excerpt from the first paragraph. “In the past year, 30% of U.S. high school students have stolen from a store and 64% have cheated on a test, according to a new, large-scale survey suggesting that Americans are too apathetic about ethical standards.” Later on, the article states, “93% of the students said they were satisfied with their personal ethics and character, and 77% affirmed that “when it comes to doing what is right, I am better than most people I know.”

I am bothered by these statistics. It makes me wonder what sort of behaviors and people are teenagers comparing themselves to? Just what activities are the “people they know” engaged in? This ought to tell us there is something seriously amiss in our teenagers thinking processes.

It also made me question myself – Have I cheated in some way recently? (Obviously not on a test, but in some other way?) When was the last time I lied, or stole something? (Time at work can count!) And am I satisfied with my own ethics? What sort of example am I giving to the teenagers in my own life?

Parents, how do you feel about this issue?

Lying About Sexual Activity?

Posted on November 25, 2008 by Tori

A few weeks ago I was teaching a parent workshop at a local high school. As I was sharing some statistics about the numbers of teenagers engaging in sexual activity, a father interrupted me with a question, “How do I know if my daughter is doing these things? Is there a way to tell?” I thought for a moment. Unfortunately, there are very few signs to let a parent know if their child is involved in sexual activity. Here are a few (rather blunt) examples:

1. Hickies or a disheveled appearance after a night out. (If you see it, say something.)

2. If your teen has been a social drinker, smoked, or has used drugs – negative behaviors come in clumps.

3. If your teen spends time with friends that you think may be sexually active, or engaged in one of these other risky behaviors – your teen could be influenced.

4. If your teen spends a great deal of time away from your house, is left in the house unsupervised before you get home from work, or chooses to be locked away in a bedroom or basement with a friend of the opposite sex when they “hang out.”

Those may seem obvious, parents, but they’re worth stating. Don’t be afraid to address these points with your teen.

But the best way to know if your teenager has become sexually active is to ask him or her outright. Use a non-accusatory, open ended question: “I heard a story about a girl today who… What do you think about that? Have you experienced any of that?” Getting a straight answer from your teenager requires that you build the foundation first. If your teen is used to you asking open ended questions that encourage dialogue, he or she has a better chance of answering all your questions honestly. When it comes time to ask about sex, hopefully his habit will stick. It’s best to start early. Parents, as you are forming the value of honesty in your children, be aware of your own tendency to fib or lie. We know kids mimic what they see.

Sometimes, however, despite your best efforts, your teens will still lie when faced with such a question. It’s not because you haven’t done a good job raising them. Their lying has more to do with their development – and wanting things their way – than it does with your parenting. This article states that tweens lie in order to grow in independence. They gloss over details, and occasionally like to pull a fast one on their parents to “see if they can get away with it.” A second article says that older teenagers often lie to avoid getting caught – but we all knew that. The best way to respond when you think or know they are lying is to ask why. If parents come at teens wanting to reason, it may open up a path for communication. Instant lecture will close it down.

Overall, parents, if you want to know what your teenagers are doing with the opposite sex – be involved in their lives. Know their friends, and their friends families. Be aware of their extracurricular activities. Be around, and available to help them reach goals.

Tongue-tied?

Posted on November 20, 2008 by Tori

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt ill equipped to answer one of your teenager’s questions. Anyone? I found something that may help.

Questions Kids Ask About Sex: Honest Answers for Every Age, by The Medical Institute for Sexual Health, edited by Melissa R. Cox.

I’ve been reading this book for a few weeks now, and need to let you know, parents, it’s wonderful. It’s one of the best “How do I talk to my kids about sex?” books that I have ever read. When we teach parent workshops, parents appreciate the information we give, but are always seeking for more answers to the question, “What do I say when my teen says ______?” If you’ve ever wondered that, or doubted your ability to come up with the appropriate words to answer a question, this is where you can find it. Our former blog writer references the book in other parts of our website, but it’s a new read for me. And if you haven’t picked it up, you should.

It goes from early childhood all the way to college. Each chapter is geared towards a certain age group, and has a list of teen-FAQs. The answers to each question are written in such a way that parents could just repeat them, if they chose. By the college level, when young adults are heading towards marriage, they even give parents ideas of how to put their words in writing. (Now, I might personally still prefer the conversation, but for those of you who are letter writers, it’s a wonderful tool.)

Parents, check it out here. You won’t regret it.

Author: Tori