Twilight Mania…An Opportunity to Talk

Posted on by Tori

If you haven’t noticed, young girls (and sometimes their moms too) are caught up in Twilight mania. If you have a daughter, you may want to take the opportunity to discuss this movie and book series’ positive and negative messages about relationships.  Even if they haven’t seen it (or aren’t allowed to), they’ve surely heard discussions about it.  Here are some questions, and points to consider as you talk to your daughter (and even sons might be interested in why girls are so gaga about the Twilight series)…

Why are girls so crazy about Edward?

He’s perfect, beautiful, has superhuman powers, centers his whole life around Bella….but is this what you can expect from a real guy?

What is the attraction that Edward feels for Bella based on?

Her scent…i.e. a purely physical, intense attraction based on external qualities, not based on character.  This is the equivalent of the intense attraction that we call “infatuation” and that is often mistaken for love.  It may end in real love, but more often not.

What is admirable about the way Edward treats Bella?

He is willing to sacrifice himself for her, thinks of her welfare first, protects her from danger, and exhibits self-control in that he wants to wait until marriage to have sex.

What is troubling about this relationship?

It’s focused entirely on one another (unhealthy obsession).  Their identity is wrapped up in the other person. The attraction is not based on character, sexual tension/attraction is intense in the books AND movies, protectiveness may be controlling (a key indicator in an abusive relationship) in a real-life guy.

What do you think a romantic relationship should be based on if it’s going to last?

Friendship, similar values, forgiving and learning to accept imperfections in the other person.  Support of individual growth and development, and independent, unique qualities, etc.

Fast Facts on Teen Sex

Posted on by Tori

When we think of the consequences of teen pregnancy, or getting an STD, or the pain of a breakup, as parents we shudder.  It’s perhaps our greatest fear that our precious children will have to deal with such “adult” things.   Recently, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reported that while most measures of teens’ sexual behavior (like teen pregnancy) declined between 1991 and 2007, in the past two years progress has stalled. The authors wrote that:

  • Nearly half of all teens have ever had sex. Between 2007 and 2009 the proportion of students who ever had sex essentially remained unchange.  [Note: reputable studies put this figure at between 42 and 46 percent].
  • More than one-third are sexually active–that is, they have had sex in the past three months.
  • More than 1 in 20 teens were younger than 13 when they first had sex.

We already know from the U.S. Center for Disease Control that as much as 40 percent of all teens have gotten an STD.

 A couple weeks ago, Amplify held its first Parent support meeting.  We had a great time sharing challenges, discussing strategies, and getting information on how to manage some of the concerns…both big and small…that we face as parents of teens.   Check out our website, mylifeamplified.com, and you’ll find a wealth of information, as well as a notice about our upcoming meeting on July 27.  Hope to see some of you there.

Talking to Boys about the Birds and the Bees

Posted on by Tori

I’ve mentioned my young friend Kevin before, and promised to pass on more of his advice for parents as they talk to boys about sex.  This seems as good a time as any, since last month the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) reported on a 2009 study in which “researchers found that teen boys were more likely than girls to have had first sexual intercourse before age 13 and to have had sexual intercourse with four or more people.”

Kevin surveyed some guy friends, and found that they affirmed something he had said to me previously: “Parents shouldn’t treat the topic of sex as some sort of taboo subject that is just sort of swept under the table.”  One commented that “Your blood pressure shouldn’t rise when you’re having the sex talk with your kids.”

So what does this look like?  First, start early, and let it be often enough that you both feel less ill at ease with the topic each time it comes up.  Second, recognize real-life opportunities.  Kevin related one friend’s experience: “The most constructive talk he had with his father about sex was when his father caught him looking at pornography. Even though the conversation was still a little awkward, it provided a means for his father to explain why looking at pornography is wrong and what sex should be like, etc.”  The third tip Kevin gave was this: “One of my mentors was humorously remarking about how women can talk for hours just sitting with each other while men like to work out with weights or throw a disc or pull some weeds together while they talk.”  Come to think of it, when it comes to this topic, even girls may prefer not to have to look you in the eye!  Parents often relate to me that car rides provide a fabulous opportunity for some of the best talks, having two key advantages:  not having to be eye-to-eye, and having a captive audience!

And who should do the talking?  It’s not necessary that a son be talked to by a man in his life (although that would be great).  I hear from a lot of moms that they are talking to their sons.  The important thing is that it should be a caring parent who is imparting values, so that teens aren’t just getting ideas about sex from the latest episode of 90210 or Jersey Shore.

R-rated movies. What’s the big deal?

Posted on by Tori

OK…I admit it.  I was one of those moms who was pretty strict about what media I allowed my kids to watch.  On at least one occasion, one of my daughters elected to read a book at a sleepover rather than watch the offensive movie being shown by her middle-school friends.  It turns out my motherly unease was well-founded.   USA today reported on a Dartmouth Medical School study that found that almost a quarter of middle-schoolers whose parents let them watch R-rated movies “all the time” had tried a drink without their parents’ knowledge.  A mere 3% who were “never allowed” to watch R-rated movies had tried a drink.  This joins the already established evidence that watching media with adult content at a young age is connected to early sexual activity.  So parents, hold your ground.  It’s OK to set limits on what young, immature brains take in.  Come to think of it…I’m a bit squeamish about the sex and violence in many R-rated movies myself!

Two Steps Behind is Too Late

Posted on by Tori

In a recent blog, we found out that parents typically think their teens are both more innocent and less interested in the opposite sex than they actually are.  It’s no surprise, then, that when it comes to parents talking to their children about sex, they are almost always a step or two behind where they should be!  A study by the Rand corporation found that “A large proportion of parents and adolescents reported that they did not communicate about key topics before the adolescents became sexually active.”  When they did, “Communication was almost always earlier with daughters than with sons and earlier relative to their sexual activity, which means that parents typically had less time to communicate preemptively with sons.”  Unfortunately, and tragically, that means that some of our children will also be experiencing the consequences of their actions before we’ve had a chance to warn them, or steer them toward healthier choices.  Sadly, I had a teen boy in one of my classes who looked exhausted from trying to juggle senior year stresses at the same time he was helping raise his baby.  I also have a friend whose very first sexual experience led not only to an unplanned pregnancy, but an incurable STD.  The decision she made “just once” impacts her still in her 50s.  Parents…now’s the time to comment on that TV show or news headline, discuss those lyrics your teen is singing, talk about boundaries for dating, etc.  We can’t make them choose wisely, but we can alert them to what “wise” looks like before they are in the middle of a relationship they are unprepared for.

How Do I Know You Love Me?

Posted on by Tori

Many of you have heard me talk about Love Languages during our Amplify Parent Presentation.  I found this handy link that gives you an opportunity to take a survey to discover your love languages.  The theory is that everyone “reads” love differently, through one or more of these avenues:  words, touch, quality time, gifts, or service.  You are also given an opportunity to invite your teen to take the test as well.  My husband and I have found it very helpful to understand our differences.  For instance, his love languages are touch and words of affirmation.  Mine is ONLY (apparently) acts of service done for me.  You can imagine how we’ve missed communicating love at times!  Now, I can better appreciate that he’s trying to tell me he loves me…even if I don’t immediately recognize it.  Similarly, knowing our teens’ love languages can help us to be certain to communicate FULLY our great love for them.

(Note:  It looks like you have to provide a name and e-mail address in order to get your test results back.  But this is a legitimate site, and I imagine you can unsubscribe if they want to send you other emails that you don’t want.)

Offensive online games where you least expect

Posted on by Tori

Imagine your pre-teen or teen coming across these games:  “Candy the Naughty Cheerleader, Bloody Day (“Back alley butchering has never been so much fun. . . . How many kills can you rack?”) and the Perry the Sneak series, where gamers take the role of a peeping Tom  trying to catch revealing glimpses of scantily clad and naked women.” These are all games on addictinggames.com, which youth can link to from Nickelodeon’s websites, Nick.com and NickJr.com.  A report by A Campaign For a Commercial-Free Childhood reported that some of the games (for example, Vanessa Naughty Pics and Whack Your Ex) were pulled after a feature on Good Morning America alerted parents, but I took a quick look, and many offensive games remain.  Sigh…and we parents thought we could relax and at least trust Nickelodeon.

Where all the Children are Above Average

Posted on by Tori

Have you ever noticed that most parents think that schools in OTHER people’s neighborhoods are bad, but theirs gets the highest of marks?  Garrison Keillor, the well-known humorist describes the fictional Lake Wobegon as a place where “all the children are above average.”  In fact, researchers have even used the phrase “Lake Wobegon effect” to describe the cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and abilities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others.

This seems to be in effect as well in our perception of our own teens’ sexuality.  A recent study indicates that we as parents have a hard time recognizing that our teens may be interested in sex, but we are certain that it’s those other sexually precocious kids that are the ones tempting our innocent young’uns.  In fact, “Parents consistently characterized their children as young, immature and naïve.”  How can this affect our parenting?  For one, we may think it’s not yet time to talk to our children about the birds and the bees, or about dating, or STDs or oral sex.  On more than one occasion I have spoken with parents who explain the lack of conversations they’ve had with their teens with phrases such as “not ready,” “not even thinking about girls yet,” “innocent,” etc.  And yet, in the classrooms, teens consistently indicate that their parents don’t know the things that they are thinking about and being exposed to.  When we note that 30% of 15- to 17-year-olds have had intercourse (and even more have experimented with other forms of sex), it’s not too hard to figure out that we would be wise to recognize that our own little Danielle or Jason probably knows a lot more than we think…and realize that if we want to be the first to introduce a topic (and our values), we need to start sooner than we had expected.

Clues teens give that they intend to have sex

Posted on by Tori

When my daughters were younger teens, my husband and I had to play “technology catch-up” when we discovered our daughters were instant messaging, sometimes at the expense of homework and into the wee hours of the morning.  And sometimes it was with boys.  These days, they are more likely to use Facebook to connect with their peers, but back then it was MySpace.  We insisted that we have the right to see what they were posting on MySpace, since we’d heard scary stories of predatory adults using the site…plus we cared about how our children were portraying themselves.  Were we right to be concerned?  Research seems to indicate that teens do, indeed, reveal a lot about themselves online that parents may not know.  A recent study showed that “For parents wondering when they should talk to their children about sex, the writing may be on the wall — or on their child’s Facebook page. New research suggests that display of sexual references on teens’ Facebook profiles is associated with their intention to initiate intercourse.”  Now my daughters are on Facebook…and so am I.  In fact, the fastest growing group of Facebook users are those in our age bracket.  I did “friend” my daughters…and they accepted.  I am pleased to report that, at least on Facebook, they seem to be behaving themselves.  It might be time to make sure your kids are behaving themselves as well.  And some parents put limits on what sites you allow your teens on, and what memberships they are allowed to have.  Whatever you decide, make sure you at least ask them to let you see, on a regular basis, what they are posting.

Calling all Dads!

Posted on by Tori

With respect to a teen’s ability to postpone sexual activity, it turns out that dads may have up to TWICE the influence of moms.  (If you are a mom reading this, you might want to forward this to your child’s father!)  A study published in 2009 in the journal Child Development showed that dads’ knowledge of teens’ friends translated to less teen sexual activity.  Even more influential was time spent together:  “The impact of family time overall was even more striking. One additional family activity per week predicted a 9 percent drop in sexual activity.”  What about Mom’s influence? The study hypothesized that Dad’s effect on Mom, supporting childrearing, may be a significant key to understanding these findings.  That brings up the question:  What if a father is absent or uninvolved? It just means that a mother has to be extra aware of her teens’ vulnerability, and encourage other positive influences such as involvement in sports or church (or other religious group), enlisting mentors, etc.