Tori – Page 23 – Teen Decision

Internet Use: How much is too much?

Posted on October 12, 2010 by Tori

As someone with a love of the printed book, I often lament this generation’s lack of interest in thoughtful reading. Indeed, many of us seem to have traded a bookmark for a mouse. Knowledge of world events, politics, religion, you name it, seems to be lacking in the mental repository of teens today. But it appears that may not be the only effect of the internet on young people. A recent study is one of several connecting heavy internet use with the development of depression in youth. How much it too much? I leave that up to you as a parent to decide. The study found that at 5 hours or more per day, there was a significant effect, although the authors were not able to say that internet use itself caused depression. In fact, there was some speculation that it could be a lack of sleep among those who spend so much of their free time on the internet.

When we discovered that our then high schooler was Instant Messaging (today, it would probably be texting) into the wee hours of the morning with friends, we pondered what we could do. We did not allow a computer in the bedroom, but this child was going down to the family room late at night when we were asleep. We weren’t fond of the idea of policing the house late at night when we’d rather be sleeping, so we found a fairly simple solution. Our house has wireless internet, and we put the internet router, which is in our bedroom, on a simple timer! Then we informed our children that homework better be done by 11:00, because that’s when the internet went off for the night.

If you are troubled by the amount of time your teen spends online, whether on social network sites, gaming, or even watching TV reruns, you may have to come up with a creative solution like we did. But after all these years as a parent, I believe that you can figure out a way to channel your child’s time into a healthy range of broader pursuits. Let’s prove that we parents are smarter than they think!

A Simple Key to Keeping Your Kids Safe

Posted on September 30, 2010 by Tori

Like many of you, I found it a struggle to have regular family meals during my kids’ teen years. There were softball games to attend, piano lessons, Dad’s out of town business trips, and so on. It was so much easier to just call home and tell the family “you’re on your own; pull out the leftovers.” One thing that we DID do, though, was have a regular (4 or 5 times a week) “family time” later at night. I’m glad that we had those regular times to engage with our children. It turns out that regular family time (and for most families, that’s a family meal together) is STRONGLY connected with better outcomes for teens. An important study that just came out points out that “a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so….Our surveys have consistently found that the more often children have dinners with their parents, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs, and that parental engagement fostered around the dinner table is one of the most potent tools to help.” Did you get that? Potent, according to Dictionary.com, means powerful, mighty, having or exercising great power or influence. If you think it’s the gourmet meal that matters, it’s not. If all you can manage is opening a can of chili, throwing on some grated cheese, and slicing up a few apples, that’s OK! The point is to have time to interact, and the study points out that “Three in four teens report that they talk to their parents about what’s going on in their lives during dinner.”

What makes a teen want to be abstinent?

Posted on September 26, 2010 by Tori

A study done in 2001 that followed 1,112 teens over a period of four years, found out some interesting things about teens and sex.

the majority of abstinent teens said they were virgins because they were afraid of getting a disease or getting pregnant rather than because of conservative or religious philosophies against having sex before marriage;
rural teens were not more likely to be abstinent that urban teens; and
compared to sexually active teens, abstinent teens could list more reasons why virginity was important.

I have a few thoughts about these findings. First, while we don’t want to rely on fear alone to keep our kids abstinent, maybe the dad who told me about sitting down with his son and showing him pictures of STD infections on the internet was on to something. With 1 in 4 sexually active teens getting an STD, might a little fear be a useful tool? Second, we shouldn’t be naive and think that it’s only those city kids, not our nice suburban kids, who are having sex. Third, we need to make sure our kids are well-versed in the many reasons why abstinence is a good choice. Why not sit down and brainstorm reasons with your teen? They may get it that pregnancy and STDs are not a good thing, but have they thought about how choosing abstinence can foster self-control and self-respect? How a relationship can grow stronger when love is expressed creatively in other ways? One of our educators used to draw a line up on the board and have the students come up with Pros and Cons. I can imagine a conversation that goes something like this: “Honey, with all the pressures teens are facing these days, some of your friends are going to become sexually active, and maybe even pressure you to “do it” too. I’ve seen you make so many great choices, and I know you can make healthy decisions in this area too. But it’s tough to stand up for yourself if you haven’t thought through what you believe and what you’re going to say ahead of time. I thought maybe we could do a Pro/Con list on the question of whether or not teens should have sex.”

Warped Views of Relationships

Posted on September 17, 2010 by Tori

Walt Mueller, expert on youth culture, recently chronicled his thoughts while watching the MTV Video Music Awards on September 12: “One theme that seems to have run through the VMA’s and a load of pop music in recent years is the audience of adoring, objectified women. Did you see Drake and the gallery of girls that served as his background? What are we teaching our girls about what makes them valuable and worthwhile? What are we teaching them about how to relate to men? And what are we teaching our boys about how to treat and relate to a woman?”

These are all good questions. Amplify Youth Development spends a significant amount of time talking with teens about how to recognize, and build, healthy relationships. But adult mentors and role models can do more that we can in a few days. How are you doing in communicating these values to your teen? Do you model what a healthy relationship looks like? We parents know we aren’t perfect, but do they get to see what it looks like to disagree respectfully…and see us make up with an apology to each other when we don’t? Perhaps there are examples of good relationships that you could point out to your teen: “Did you notice how Grandpa and Grandma do the dishes together?” “Deacon Jones talked to the adult Sunday School class about how he and his wife never miss their weekly date.” Meanwhile, on the negative side, what kind of input are they getting from media…and are you taking advantage of the opportunity to discuss the messages of the latest songs, or TV shows? For example, Billboard.com’s #1 song for 7 weeks this summer, Love the Way You Lie, by Eminem, takes the message “love hurts” to an appalling level. After describing the physical abuse in detail, the song says “Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems. Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano…All I know is I love you too much to walk away.” It ends with a threat to tie her to the bed and burn the house down. When young people get the message that love that’s REALLY passionate ends up in jealousy, possessiveness and abuse, they are being set up for a very sad set of expectations about what is “normal” in a love relationship.

Teen Ethics Report Card…D’s and F’s

Posted on September 8, 2010 by Tori

A recent comprehensive national survey on the ethics of our nation’s youth revealed a shocking lack of morals. It is disheartening to know that among high school students, in the last 12 months:

Nearly two-thirds (71 percent) admit they cheated on an exam at least once
Almost all (92 percent) lied to their parents
Over two-thirds (78 percent) lied to a teacher
Forty percent of males and 30 percent of females say they stole something from a store

What does this mean to us as parents and other caring adults? First, we can’t naively assume that teens are telling us the truth. Certainly, we want to believe the best, but it behooves us to have our parental antennae out for suspicious behaviors, or cagey answers. When it comes to behaviors that threaten emotional and physical health (like sexual experimentation, smoking, drinking and drugs) we may want to put our teens’ health above our desire to respect their privacy. Yes, that means it may be OK to snoop, especially when a teen is insisting on too much privacy, or is acting suspiciously. Second, it’s time to have serious conversations about all sorts of ethical issues. The online article reporting on this survey gives some guidelines that are really helpful.

If you assume that the school is covering these character issues, well, they may be. But it’s not going to have nearly the same impact as a conversation with you. Mentoring with an eye toward ethical adulthood is still best done by a caring adult. Go on a walk after dinner, take an example from the news (there’s always some politician or media star acting badly), or tell a story from your youth as a conversation starter. Be creative. Help your child gain the backbone he or she needs to shine in a generation that too often doesn’t seem to know right from wrong.

Growing up too fast…physically

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Tori

Have you been wondering what’s going on with girls…why they are growing up so fast? It turns out that what most people have been observing with some unease is no myth: the early onset of puberty for girls is indeed accelerating. A study published this month in the journal Pediatrics reported that more girls are now reaching puberty (indicated by breast development, not menstruation) as early as 7 years old. About 23% of black girls, 15% of hispanic girls, and 10% of white girls begin puberty by age 7. Early puberty appears to be connected with obesity, as well as with a diet high in meat and junk food.

Why is this a problem? According to lead research, Dr. Frank Biro, “girls who develop earlier may be more likely to get breast cancer and engage in risky behavior like sex than girls who go through puberty later. They also are more prone to depression.” He adds that “For the 11-year old that looks like she’s 15 or 16, adults are going to interact with her like she’s 15 or 16, but so are her peers.” But, he points out, “It doesn’t mean that they’re psychologically or socially more mature.”

As the school year begins, and there is less opportunity for exercise, we might want to add family walks, or sports, to our list of things to do to keep our kids healthy. The busyness of the school year makes it hard to prepare healthy snacks and meals, but a little more forethought as we scan the shelves at the grocery store might be in order. This study just gives us one more reason why Americans need to improve our families’ eating and exercise habits.

So They Think They’re In Love…

Posted on August 6, 2010 by Tori

One of the most important things we at Amplify try to get across to teens is the need to take time to get to know someone well before any physical or emotional involvement. There’s good reason for this, because someone who is in that irrational phase of “love” that we might better term “infatuation” is…well…a bit crazy. According to an article in the New York Times reporting on brain research using MRI technology: “New love can look for all the world like mental illness, a blend of mania, dementia and obsession that cuts people off from friends and family and prompts out-of-character behavior – compulsive phone calling, serenades, yelling from rooftops – that could almost be mistaken for psychosis.” All of us remember what that feels like. I’ve often said that if I kept that crazy-in-love feeling for my soon-to-be husband much longer than I did, I would not have been able to graduate college, my brain was so addled. Unfortunately, some young people make rash commitments (like marrying in a month), or decisions (like hopping in bed with someone) before the rational part of their brain gets a chance to weigh in. Knowing this, when one of my daughters wanted to date for the first time in high school, we required that the two go through an initial period in their relationship where they group dated first…hanging out with friends or family rather than going on one-on-one dates. That gave them time to get to know each other better, and find out about each others’ character. I just put this strategy out there as something to consider as you think through helping your teens make good dating decisions.

Alcohol+Teens=Trouble

Posted on July 30, 2010 by Tori

It’s summer, and party time for many teens and college kids. While our society seems to have done a pretty good job getting the message out not to drink and drive, we’re not so good at making the connection clear about alcohol and sexual behaviors. A page you might want to share with you teen (or better, talk over) is Tips For Teens: The Truth About Alcohol from the Department of Health and Human Services.

In addition, these facts are enlightening:

Using alcohol (as well as cigarettes, marijuana and other drugs) greatly increases the risk of early adolescent sexual activity. (Journal of Marriage and Family, 1990)
Among the 33.9% of currently sexually active high school students nationwide, 23.3% had drunk alcohol or used drugs before their last sexual intercourse. (CDC Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, 2005)
While “date rape drugs” are something to be aware of, it is more common for victims to be caught off guard because of alcohol or drug consumption. Analysis of a sample of urine drug tests of sexual assault victims demonstrated that alcohol was present in 63% of the victims, marijuana was present in 30% of the victims and “date rape” drugs…in about 3% of positive samples. (Journal of Reproductive Medicine. Vol. 45. 2000)
So that there not be any confusion about consent, it needs to be clearly taught (particularly to males as the usual perpetrator) that the law considers someone who is inebriated as unable to consent. Thus, it is sexual assault or rape when there is sexual contact and one of the parties is drunk or under the influence of drugs.

When you are faced with a shocker…

Posted on July 22, 2010 by Tori

Once, at a social function, I found myself telling the woman next to me about how I had this great job talking to teens about sex. She gasped, grabbed my arm, and told me she had just intercepted a letter from a girl her middle school son barely knew, in which the girl offered to lose her virginity with him. Naturally, she told her son “Don’t do it.” “Did you say anything else?” I queried. “Not really” was her reply, as she explained that she wasn’t sure how to handle the conversation. We were able to talk a bit more about how prepare for this new phase of her teen’s life, and she signed up for our parent newsletter, which she has found helpful.

For all those moments in life when you find yourself facing a new parenting challenge, don’t you wish you had a group of fellow-travelers to discuss these things with? Our monthly Parent Connection group, which I (Tori Libby) lead, meets over a different topic each month, and provides a chance to both learn and share our current challenges. We had both men and women at our first meeting, and we welcome YOU to join us any time! Our next meetings will be July 27 and August 31. Go to TalkDupage.com, and you’ll find more information under “Upcoming events.”

Author: Tori