After I wrote about Facebook etiquette last week, a reader sent us a link to a great article that I just had to share. This article alerts us to “10 Scary Facebook Status Updates” that might indicate our child is in trouble, emotionally or socially. We know that “drama” could be our teen’s middle name at times, but there are some comments that we need to take seriously…and explore what is behind them.
Facebook Etiquette for Parents
I could have used the advice in this short article when navigating how to be a Facebook friend to my daughters. I’ve made a few mistakes mentioned there, like tagging my daughter in pictures, not realizing they then automatically appear in her profile. I also have had comments removed before…though I’m not entirely sure what my offense was. In my defense, I did wait for my daughter’s last boyfriend to friend ME, rather than friending him first. So parents, do you have the courage to find out what blunders you’ve already made, and how to keep in the loop by being a good Facebook friend?
Can teens multitask?
You would think, the way that they juggle cell phones, internet and TV…all while doing homework, that the answer would be “Yes.” But if you were wondering how it is that they can’t both clear the dishes AND remember to take the laundry up the stairs (while walking right around the basket), you might say “No.”
The actual answer is closer to “No,” but it really depends on your son’ or daughter’s age. An interesting study, linked right here, sheds some light on what’s going on in teen brain development, and when we can expect things to get better. The article says, “The ability to remember multiple bits of information developed through age 13 to 15, the study found. But strategic self-organized thinking, the type that demands a high level of multi-tasking skill, continues to develop until ages 16 to 17.” No answers, though, on how to manage parental frustration while we are waiting!
Would We Rather Not Know?
There is a dramatic disconnect between what parents think their own children are doing, and what they are really doing when it comes to alcohol and drugs. For example, while 52% of 10th graders admit to using alcohol and 28% say they’ve used marijuana in the past year, only 10% and 5% of parents, respectively, believe their teens have used these substances. As I’ve written previously, this is true for sexual activity as well…everyone thinks his child is more naive than his peers. Parents do, however, believe that other people’s kids are doing such things.
We need to ask ourselves, “Am I one of those naive parents?” We want to believe in and trust our kids…but even the best kids can make surprisingly stupid choices on occasion. after all, the “wisdom” and “self-control” part of the brain doesn’t mature until the mid-20s. We at least need to be alert, and should look for opportunities to have preemptive talks about these risky choices. The article reporting on these findings also has suggestions for parents.
A Teen’s Date’s Social Circle is Powerful Influence
I call still recall my disbelief when a dad at a parent presentation told me he had not yet met his 13-year-old son’s girlfriend of 3 months. I urged him to get to know this young lady pronto (and wanted to tell him that I thought dating in middle school at all was a bad idea). It seems that I could have also added, “and get to know her social network as well.”
A recent study showed that the friends of a teen’s significant other are more influential with regard to alcohol use that the teen’s own friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. My mind flashed back to the point at which I began to get drunk at parties in high school. It was when I was with my new boyfriend and his friends. When that boyfriend exited the picture (replaced by one who was not a drinker), my drunken episodes ceased. Similarly, when another date used pot, I did as well. Parents, it’s not enough to know your teen’s date; you need to know about their friend-group as well. Asking questions (“So have you made new friends now that you’re dating Alexa? Tell me about them….”) is a good start.
Teens Freely Use Vulgar Slurs Online
Over the years, I have noticed the freedom with which teens seem to use bad language. But what’s happening on Facebook, Twitter and texting has gone way over some very serious lines that our generation would never have tolerated if said in person. Young people are using words like “retard” or “fag” or the “n” word with shocking frequency. According to an article I read, teens find it acceptable to use such derogatory slurs because “people are just trying to be funny or cool” or “people know we don’t mean it.” I don’t know about you, but I was raised by a Dad who would not tolerate racist or demeaning language, and he would challenge anyone–visitors to our home, friends, ANYONE—if they used such words. I have followed in his footsteps.
If your teen is throwing around these words under the impression that it’s how everyone talks, perhaps it’s time for a lesson in civility. And yes, you have the right to see what they are saying on Facebook, Twitter or their phones; if they are using offensive language, a period of time without internet or phone privileges might be very instructive.
Fall TV Shows to Be Aware of
Next week, my favorite shows are back for a new season. I admit to being an NCIS and Mentalist fan. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been attracted to who-done-it shows where the bad guys get justice in the end. What shows are your teens excited about? Glee would be a good guess. And on the raunchier end, Jersey Shore. Yep, they’re both back for another season. If your teen is a TV watcher, it would behoove you as a parent to know what he or she is watching, and, more importantly, WHY they are attracted to what they watch. One of my best tips for parents whose kids watch TV (that would be most of them), is to watch WITH them, and discuss what is going on in the show. Here’s a link with the new shows targeted at teens, as well as the returning shows with youth appeal. This link just gives a brief description, with no moral analysis, so it’s up to you to do your homework and know what your children are feeding their hearts and brains.
Parents Who Encourage Teens to Have Sex at Home
Oh, please! Really? Parents who invite their teens to “do it” at home so they can be “safer”?
When I read an article about a parent who appeared on Good Morning America in June to extol the benefits of allowing her 17-year-old daughter to have sex with her boyfriend at home, I had to shake my head. Her reasoning included the fact that it was “clean” and there were condoms in the bedside table drawer.
We’ve known for years that teens who think their parents disapprove of sexual activity are more likely to choose abstinence. It was telling that two teens invited to be panelists on the show had serious misgivings about the idea: “If your boyfriend knows or whoever knows that there is a perfectly open available house I think that takes away one of your big excuses,” Kelly Lund, 17, said. Grace McVey added, “You’re like, ‘No, I can’t. My parents would kill me.’ But if that whole thing is gone, like, what do you say?”
It is sad when parents not only fail to protect their teens, but instead are giving a push toward risky behavior (both emotionally and physically) that some young people secretly may not even want.
Flash Mob Idea Co-opted by Young Criminals
Cultural phenomena can spring up quickly, and flash mobs are a case in point. Picking up in popularity in recent years, flash mobs are described on Wikipedia as a “group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and pointless act for a brief time, then disperse. The term flash mob is generally applied only to gatherings organized via telecommunications, social media, or viral emails.” Up until very recently, we would just consider this good, clean fun.
Unfortunately, what used to be an innocent form of entertainment for young people, has taken an ugly turn. Crime-by-flash-mob has hit Chicago and other urban centers, and could be coming to the suburbs. This article describes behavior that has given “flash mobs” a bad name this summer.
In reading the above-linked article, I was reminded of how important the social group is to our teens…and how influential. According to Scott Decker, a professor of criminology at Arizona State University, “Over 90 percent of crimes committed by young people are done so in a group.”
Whether its sexual activity, drinking, or criminal flash mobs, it’s still imperative to help our teens think through the consequences of getting caught up in something dangerous or criminal. It was sound advice when we heard it from our parents, and it’s still something our teens need to hear: “Don’t do something just because it seems like everybody else is doing it.”
A Great Free Event for Parents!
I just wanted to pass along an invitation to a free event for parents coming up on August 24th, cosponsored by some friends of ours at Helping Girls Navigate Adolescence. Dr. Madeline Levine will be at Glenbard South High School discussing how affluence affects our kids. Learn more at HGNA’s website, www.hgna.org.