Generation Diva

Posted on by Tori

“Much has been made of the oversexualization of today’s tweens. But what hasn’t been discussed is what we might call their “diva-ization”—before they even hit the tween years. Consider this: according to a NEWSWEEK examination of the most common beauty trends, by the time your 10-year-old is 50, she’ll have spent nearly $300,000 on just her hair and face. It’s not that women haven’t always been slaves to their appearance; as Yeats wrote, “To be born woman is to know … that we must labour to be beautiful.” But today’s girls are getting caught up in the beauty maintenance game at ages when they should be learning how to read—and long before their beauty needs enhancing. Twenty years ago, a second grader might have played clumsily with her mother’s lipstick, but she probably didn’t insist on carrying her own lip gloss to school.”

The above excerpt is from a Newsweek article I found earlier this week: Generation Diva: How Our Obsession with Beauty is Changing Our Kids.

The way our culture values beauty and sex appeal, and then encourages that mindset on elementary school age girls, is certainly something to think about. If, at age 7, a girl is worried about body hair, skin, makeup, or her next spa treatment, how is that fascination with her appearance going to play into her thoughts, decisions, and reactions about sex and sexual attraction at a later age?

Click here for the full text.

Specific Answers for Your Questions

Posted on by Tori

I spent some time on Tuesday reading and clicking through a great website for parents. www.4parents.gov. It’s full of very practical answers to how to talk to you teens about various issues regarding sex. Click on the link above, and you’ll notice a menu off to the left of the screen. If you click on, “Talking to Your Pre-Teen or Teen About Waiting” you’ll find a whole new list of topics to read about. In my opinion, I think this is one of the most helpful pages.

I really like this page as well. It’s a tough topic, “What If My Son or Daughter Tells Me He or She is Gay?” but one that has come up recently in conversations.  When you read through the suggested discussion tips, parents, I would reverse the third and fourth bullet points. I think it’s more important to ask you teen his or her feelings or opinions before you (gently and clearly) state your own.

Hope you find it helpful!

Positive vs. Negative Attention

Posted on by Tori

I had the pleasure of observing one of our parent educators teach a workshop yesterday. During the hour or so that I was there, a very interesting question came up. Our educator was discussing healthy dating strategies with the parents, and one parent raised her hand and inquired, “What do you do when your teenage daughter believes negative attention is better than no attention at all?” (In other words, what do you do if you see your daughter dating guys that treat her poorly, simply because she feels that any boyfriend is better than none?)

 Great question – and our educator handled it beautifully. His answer was twofold. First, surround your teenager with positive attention. Second, help her identify the consequences of negative attention.

Positive Attention: Parents, first you may want to ask yourselves why your teenage daughter is seeking out attention in the first place. Can you see where she feels as though positive attention is lacking in her life? Make an effort to fill that void. Learn her love language (see Gary Chapman’s book here) and use it to encourage her. Make an effort to spend time with her. (If you feel very busy, start with small chunks of time – a car ride here, a cup of coffee there.) Choose one of her hobbies or pastimes in which to take special interest. Cheer her on. Take stock of the media in your house and the body and relationship messages that are being communicated to your daughter. Does something need to be eliminated?

Identify Consequences of Negative Attention: Your daughter may not be able to see the consequences of negative attention in her own life, but she may be able to identify it in her peers or in the media around her. As you spend time together, ask open ended questions (not directed at herlife) that will help her see the truth. Questions like, “Why does SoAndSo spend time with her if they aren’t friends?” or, “Why do you think That TV Character keeps dating him?” Listen to her answers first, and withhold that parental advice until she seems open to hearing it. Perhaps you will be able to transition into more personal topics and give personal advice after you’ve gained her trust as a good listener.

Parents of tweens and younger – it’s never to early to start surrounding your kids with positive attention! The sooner they recognize and appreciate that, the sooner they will shy away from the negative!

A Bleg: Helping Each Other

Posted on by Tori

Instead of my usual post, I have a question this week. I want to know how we can help each other.

Parents, how can we at W4YM help you teach abstinence to your teens? What is it that you see as your biggest challenge or obstacle to overcome? What resources are you lacking? What help do you need?

Additionally, parents, if you have had success encouraging your teens to value and choose abstinence, help us out. How did you do it? What tactics did you use?

Let’s get some conversation going!

The Teen Brain: More on Morality

Posted on by Tori

Hi Parents,

 A few posts ago I blogged about a recent study that talked about teens’ moral practices and their sense of self. Today I found another article that expanded on that topic a bit, focusing specifically on how teens’ brains develop morality in the first place. Here’s an excerpt:

 “What has gone wrong? The commission began with a vital question: How do human beings develop a moral compass and strong character in the first place? Instead of answering from a therapeutic or “treatment” perspective, it started by examining the latest brain science.

According to the report, recent brain research indicates that children require two kinds of connections to flourish. First, they need strong, stable bonds with family and adults in the larger community. Second, they need a vision of life that offers meaning and purpose.

Our kids are failing to thrive, in good measure, because the social institutions that used to provide both kinds of connections have weakened in recent decades.”

What do you think? To see the whole article, click here.

4A’s of Effective Parenting

Posted on by Tori

It’s funny to me how I never tire of hearing the words, “I love you.” I’m an auditory person – I love verbal praise and encouragement. I may know I have done something well, but I love it when those nearest and dearest to me confirm it to me in a very specific way.

That said, today, parents, I thought I’d post a page from our Parenting Abstinent Teens presentation. It’s concise, and although I’m sure many of you know the common sense of the advice, it’s a good reminder.

  • Affection: “I love you.”
  • Affirmation: “You are valuable.”
  • Advice: “Let me share with you.”
  • Accountability: “What happened?”

Teens need all four of these areas of their lives addressed. Don’t be afraid to speak out, parents. Feel like they’re rebelling? They still need to know of your love. Do they seem egotistical? Share with them what their real value is. Think they’re overly independent? See our earlier post (Brains & Beauty) on sharing wisdom. Remember that all kids need boundaries. State them clearly. Hold your teen accountable to his or her actions. Believe it or not, they actually prefer the freedom to move within a limit, over no boundaries at all.

Brains & Beauty

Posted on by Tori

Every week when I set out to post for our parents, I find tons of pertinent information I could share. Every week I have to decide how to narrow it down. It’s hard sometimes. Do I share the positive, or the negative?

 This week I couldn’t make up my mind. So, I’m sharing information from two different sites.

 1. “Brains”: For parents who dearly want to encourage their kids away from the same mistakes they made as teens, but are unsure how how much to share, check out Teen Shift: Episode 16 here. Scroll down a bit and listen to the podcast on how to best answer the question, “What did you do when you were my age?” (All you have to do is click the Play arrow.) Andrew Robinson gives some great advice to parents and teachers. Be encouraged!

2. “Beauty”: For parents with teen daughters, check out the article The Skinny On 90210 here. Whether you allow your teen daughter to watch the show or not, it’s a good article revealing how body image (and clothing styles & perceptions of modesty) has changed over the past 15-20 years. Be sure to watch the video interview of teens’ thoughts on body image. It will encourage you to tell your daughter she’s beautiful!

Fight, Jane. Fight.

Posted on by Tori

I found a great article today from the Fuller Youth Institute that talks about teenage girls and body image. Here’s an excerpt:

“‘See Jane Try to Be More Sexy

New Research

The Damage Done. Those of us who care about girls have intuitively sensed that the pressure to be “sexy” damages the way they view themselves and others. A 2007 report by the American Psychological Association (APA) spells out the destruction more explicitly. Whether it’s a five year-old girl walking through a shopping mall in a short T-shirt that says “Juicy”, or a magazine article that virtually promises teenage girls that losing 10 pounds will get them the boyfriend…'”

The article talks directly to parents about what we can do to help “Jane” fight back against these pressures. Check out the complete article here.

Is it like an allowance?

Posted on by Tori

Parents, what do you think?

Check out this article I read today, which says that several schools in D.C. have set aside $2.7 million as a motivational tactic for student achievement. Yup, they want to pay kids to come to class.

 I don’t know about you, but I was never one of those students who was rewarded for getting high grades. I was told to work for them, expect them, and then be proud of what was written on my report card. Seeing that A or B was enough for me.

Are things so different today? Do our students really lack that much motivation to attend class (and be on time)? Send us your comments, parents. Should schools be paying students to attend class or not? Is this a brilliant example of “thinking outside the box”, or is it just… crazy?

Parent-teen communication, pt. 1

Posted on by Tori

I’ve been reading a book on communicating with teens and thought I’d pass on some of the advice:

One of the first rules of communicating with teens is validating feelings. Teens feel a million different emotions at once and one of them is usually feeling misunderstood. As a child grows up, she learns that she is different from everyone else around her. She realizes that no one will completely understand her. And on top of all that, half the time she doesn’t understand herself why she reacts the way she does!

When a teenager is facing any of a myriad of emotions, the last thing he wants is to feel stupid or feel like his emotions are invalid or ignored. A parent can go a long way towards creating a safe environment for growth and maturing by simply withholding judgment and verbally acknowledging what a teen might be feeling.

Case in point: your teen’s eyes are red and puffy and a little moist. You could gasp, “What have you been crying about?” (your gasp giving your child the idea that crying is out-of-place). Or you could simply say, “You look upset about something. I’m sorry.” The second response shows perception as well as sympathy and is much more inviting to a teenager.