A great article appeared this week from Connect with Kids.
Points of interest from the article include the fact that teenage sexuality, according to some studies from the Center for Disease Control, has actually decreased, thanks in part to abstinence programs and positive messages about self-esteem.
The article also includes some tips for parents, so scroll all the way to the bottom!
Check out this post from Vanessa Van Petten, author of You’re Grounded!
Some kids naturally begin to show compassion and generosity to others, but other children seem to think the world revolves around them. You as a parent can help train your child to be generous and compassionate (and in so doing, you can set them up to have more fulfilling and successful relationships in the future). The best way to do that is to model service and generosity. Here are some ideas:
This anecdote comes from William Noble, M.D., of the Pediatric Association of the University of Texas, and was shared in Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit:
Recently Todd, an anxious fifteen-year-old male patient, presented to clinic with vague reproductive tract complaints. He was accompanied by his mother, who returned to the waiting room after the initial interview. His history gradually revealed a series of sexual encounters with a woman several years his senior. The sexual liaisons included other risks as well, including alcohol and substance use. The teen’s anxiety resulted from an awareness that his behavior placed him at risk for HIV. He requested HIV testing. While discussing the testing and evaluation for other sexually transmitted infections, the boy began to cry.
‘I don’t think that my mom loves me,’ he sobbed.
‘Why do you say that?’ I responded.
‘She doesn’t care where I go or who I’m with or if I come home at night. I don’t have a curfew and she never asks what I’m doing.'”
I just read an excellent article by Michael Ross in a Focus on the Family magazine. The article was about dealing with your teen’s first breakup, and while I could not find it online to provide a link to the article, I would like to summarize the advice here.
It can be tempting, with a parent’s years of experience and perspective, to minimize a breakup. From our perspective, it isn’t a big deal (and you may be thrilled to say good riddance to the relationship). But this is your teen’s first encounter with very adult emotions, and your child needs you. So:
I recently spoke with a parent who had been very conscientious about talking to his daughters about boys and sex. He said, “I wanted them to know how special they are and that they don’t need to use sex to get love.” Then he said, “Unfortunately, I kind of dropped the ball with my son.” I asked what he meant, and he said that the topic of sex had just “never come up.”
I think the problem inherent in the above situation is clear: how can we be so concerned about protecting our daughters from boys that we ignore our sons — who are becoming the very men from whom we try to protect our daughters? Eventually, we will need to shatter the myth that women are the gatekeepers of healthy sexuality in our society.
Right now, though, I understand that it is difficult to discuss sex with your teenage son. So here’s one way to start: “A lot of stars in the media are getting pregnant. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you got a girl pregnant?” Then some follow up: “What do you think most guys in your school would do?” “Where do you think the problem begins? When a girl gets pregnant, or before that?” “What problems does sex bring to a relationship even without a pregnancy?” And now, it is your turn to set the record straight. Clearly state your expectations for your son regarding sexual activity.
I am passing along an update that I received from the Medical Institute for Sexual Health. All credit goes to MI. It is informative and helpful!
Using Current Events to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
This week, Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year old television star and sister of pop star Britney Spears, announced that she’s pregnant with the child of her 19-year old boy friend.
In response Gary L. Rose, M.D., President and CEO of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health released the following statement.
“The Jamie Lynn Spears situation is a heartbreaking, and all too common, example of the circumstance in which many young people find themselves today. 20% of teens under 18 get pregnant within 6 months of starting on the pill, and 20% of teens under 18 get pregnant over a period of 1 year using condoms. In addition, the lower the age of sexual debut the greater the increase in lifetime partners, and consequently the greater the risk for STIs.”
“In the days ahead Jamie Spears will need the loving support and encouragement of those around her. For the parents and young people watching, the Medical Institute for Sexual Health would like to encourage them to take note, the problem of teen pregnancy is one that can impact us all.”
5 Tips for parents on how they can use the Jamie Spears story to talk with teens about sex:
Talk about the news: The Jamie Spears story is a hot topic that will interest almost every teen.
Role play:Ask your child what they would do if they were in Jamie’s (or her boyfriend’s) shoes.
Discuss the impact:Ask your teen how and in what ways they think this will change Jamie’s life.
Discuss prevention:Ask your teen how this situation could have been prevented.
Offer your opinion: Research shows that teens want to hear what their parents have to say about sex. Offering a clear standard will help guide their decision making.
Thank to the Medical Institute!
Sex, to most teens, is weird. Appealing, yes. Intriguing, yes. But weird.
Many teens are slightly weirded out by their bodies. Why is my body doing this? Why do I feel this way? AM I NORMAL?
Your children have few places to go for answers. Scratch that. They have few good places to go – the internet provides hundreds of pornographic resources, but you may not want to rely on those. It falls on you to bring up sex (and arousal, and porn, and masturbation), no matter how awkward it is. If it is awkward for you, think about how awkward it is for your child!
I wish my parents had told me: that getting older doesn’t make it easier to keep sexual boundaries; that sex doesn’t always bring you closer together; that looking at porn makes it harder, not easier, to avoid the “real thing”; that it is more fun when you are older anyway; that sex can ruin relationships even if you don’t get pregnant or an STD….I wish my parents had told me.
Last week, my extended family was together to celebrate Thanksgiving. Among the gathered relatives was my cousin’s daughter Kate, a precious four-year-old. At one point during the day, Kate pulled on her one-year-old cousin’s baby dress and pranced around the living room. You could see her relishing the attention she was getting from everyone!
Then one of the adults in the room started making fun of Kate. Lightly, of course, and not even in a way that Kate would necessarily recognize. But her mother didn’t miss a beat before she said, “Don’t you dare make fun of her. Tell her that she is beautiful now, or some boy will later.”
Kate’s mother went on to explain, “We make sure Kate’s dad tells her she’s beautiful so often, that when she is older, and some guy tries to woo her by telling her she’s pretty, she can say ‘Well that’s nothing new. My daddy tells me that all the time!'”
Kate is only 4. To some, it may sound a little early to already be worrying about boys and sex. But in just six years, Kate will be the age at which most children see porn for the first time. In eight years, Kate will be in middle school and will face challenges in our culture that I can only begin to imagine.
Teasing can be harmless. But ask yourself, have I told my daughter today that she is beautiful? And if you haven’t, who will? Kate may never know how conscientiously her parents tried to shape her into a healthy young woman, but I am confident that the effects of her parents’ diligence will help her long into adulthood.