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Your Teen’s First Breakup

Posted on by Tori

I just read an excellent article by Michael Ross in a Focus on the Family magazine. The article was about dealing with your teen’s first breakup, and while I could not find it online to provide a link to the article, I would like to summarize the advice here.

It can be tempting, with a parent’s years of experience and perspective, to minimize a breakup. From our perspective, it isn’t a big deal (and you may be thrilled to say good riddance to the relationship). But this is your teen’s first encounter with very adult emotions, and your child needs you. So:

  • Do take your child’s emotions seriously. Resist the temptation to say, “It wasn’t real love, just get over it,” because the pain, at least, is real.
  • Don’t expect your teen to bounce back over night. Give your child room (and permission) to grieve. At the same time, don’t allow him to become isolated.
  • Do listen and don’t judge or fear deep emotions. As you listen, it may be best not to say anything at all.
  • Do give hugs. Don’t give advice. Your teen is grieving, and needs to know that you are there (that YOU won’t leave them too). If they ask for advice, you can share from your experience, but someone in pain is looking for care, not answers.

Have you talked about sex lately?

Posted on by Tori

I recently spoke with a parent who had been very conscientious about talking to his daughters about boys and sex. He said, “I wanted them to know how special they are and that they don’t need to use sex to get love.” Then he said, “Unfortunately, I kind of dropped the ball with my son.” I asked what he meant, and he said that the topic of sex had just “never come up.”

 

I think the problem inherent in the above situation is clear: how can we be so concerned about protecting our daughters from boys that we ignore our sons — who are becoming the very men from whom we try to protect our daughters? Eventually, we will need to shatter the myth that women are the gatekeepers of healthy sexuality in our society.

 

Right now, though, I understand that it is difficult to discuss sex with your teenage son. So here’s one way to start: “A lot of stars in the media are getting pregnant. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you got a girl pregnant?” Then some follow up: “What do you think most guys in your school would do?” “Where do you think the problem begins? When a girl gets pregnant, or before that?” “What problems does sex bring to a relationship even without a pregnancy?” And now, it is your turn to set the record straight. Clearly state your expectations for your son regarding sexual activity.

A word from literature on marriage

Posted on by Tori

I recently came across this excerpt from G.K. Chesterton (printed in Brave New Family, pp. 51-52). It is remarkable to me how something written almost a century ago can still apply so strongly to the culture in which we live. If you have older children, I would challenge and encourage you to share this piece with your child and discuss its implications.

 

The revolt against vows has been carried in our day even to the extent of a revolt against the typical vow of marriage. It is most amusing to listen to the opponents of marriage on this subject. They appear to imagine that the ideal of constancy was a yoke mysteriously imposed on mankind by the devil, instead of being, as it is, a yoke consistently imposed by all lovers on themselves. They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words – ‘free-love’ – as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free. It is the nature of love to bind itself, and the institution of marriage merely paid the average man the compliment of taking him at his word. Modern sages offer to the lover, with an ill-flavoured grin, the largest liberties and the fullest irresponsibility; but they do not respect him as the old Church respected him; they do not write his oath upon the heavens, as the record of his highest moment. They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.

As we have said, it is exactly this back-door, this sense of having a retreat behind us, that is, to our minds, the sterilizing spirit in modern pleasure. Everywhere there is the persistent and insane attempt to obtain pleasure without paying for it. … Thus in love the free-lovers say: ‘Let us have the splendor of offering ourselves without the peril of committing ourselves; let us see whether one cannot commit suicide an unlimited number of times.’

Discussion questions:

  1. Chesterton claims that love is by nature self-limiting. How do we see that in marriages, families, or friendships today? What in our culture challenges this notion?
  2. “They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.” Put another way, modern culture wants to give everyone freedom, but the idea of marriage is to voluntarily give up freedom. How could giving up freedom actually make someone “more free”?
  3. Chesterton compares free-love to “[committing] suicide an unlimited number of times.” Looking at relationships in pop culture, in your own experience, or in popular films or literature, where do you see examples of this? How is marriage different?

Dream with your child

Posted on by Tori

When we discuss the reasons why teens have sex and the reasons why they wait, one aspect of teen decision-making that frequently comes up is being “goal-oriented.” Teens that believe they have a lot to look forward to in life are much more likely to wait to have sex (and to make countless other positive choices!).

So…dream with your child! Here are some suggestions to get you started:

  • When your child wants something, give them a short-term goal to work towards as they “earn” the gift. (Not for every gift, but for some!)
  • Ask “dreaming” questions: not just “where do you want to be in 15 years?” but also “What would be the coolest thing that could happen to you at school this year?”
  • Teach your child to plan and anticipate by planning and anticipating together. For a daughter, you might plan and shop for a special outfit to wear to a concert, holiday, or event. For a son, you might consider putting together a project to complete, or planning and executing a special meal for the family.

There are endless possibilities. Just keep in mind I want to help my child realize there are tons of things to look forward to in life. You just have to look for them!

Responding to current events

Posted on by Tori

I am passing along an update that I received from the Medical Institute for Sexual Health. All credit goes to MI. It is informative and helpful!

Using Current Events to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

This week, Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year old television star and sister of pop star Britney Spears, announced that she’s pregnant with the child of her 19-year old boy friend.

In response Gary L. Rose, M.D., President and CEO of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health released the following statement.

“The Jamie Lynn Spears situation is a heartbreaking, and all too common, example of the circumstance in which many young people find themselves today. 20% of teens under 18 get pregnant within 6 months of starting on the pill, and 20% of teens under 18 get pregnant over a period of 1 year using condoms. In addition, the lower the age of sexual debut the greater the increase in lifetime partners, and consequently the greater the risk for STIs.”

“In the days ahead Jamie Spears will need the loving support and encouragement of those around her. For the parents and young people watching, the Medical Institute for Sexual Health would like to encourage them to take note, the problem of teen pregnancy is one that can impact us all.”

5 Tips for parents on how they can use the Jamie Spears story to talk with teens about sex:

  • Talk about the news: The Jamie Spears story is a hot topic that will interest almost every teen.

  • Role play:Ask your child what they would do if they were in Jamie’s (or her boyfriend’s) shoes.

  • Discuss the impact:Ask your teen how and in what ways they think this will change Jamie’s life.

  • Discuss prevention:Ask your teen how this situation could have been prevented.

  • Offer your opinion: Research shows that teens want to hear what their parents have to say about sex. Offering a clear standard will help guide their decision making.

Thank to the Medical Institute!

Parents who say “NO”

Posted on by Tori

When it comes to sexual choices, do you know what our kids need the most from us as parents? t’s not our friendship. It’s our confidence that they can say “No” to sex when confronted with hormones, peer pressure, and the desire for a relationship. Many voices in our culture say, “They’re going to do it anyway, so let’s help them protect themselves.” But if we give them condoms or get them a prescription for the pill, are we really protecting them? Let’s consider some sobering facts: 

  • The 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, supplemented by data from other sources, showed that 48% of women with an unintended pregnancy said they were using birth control during the month they got pregnant.

  • Some of the most common STDs (HPV, genital herpes, trichomoniasis, and syphilis) are contracted through skin to skin contact or through contact with an infected area. Condoms do not cover the entire genital area and are therefore much less effective in preventing the transmission of these diseases than they are in preventing other less common STDs.

  • No condom or pill can protect the hearts of our children. Sexually active teens are more likely to commit suicide, be depressed, struggle in school, and abuse drugs and alcohol.

The American Medical Association reported on a recent study that showed that children whose parents had higher expectations for them had higher school achievement and exhibited less risk-taking behavior. Also, children whose parents disapproved of early sexual activity postponed sexual intercourse. So, because we love them, we need to communicate that we expect them to make the healthiest, safest choice…to say “No” to sexual experimentation, and “Yes” to the future they dream of.

What I wish my parents had told me…

Posted on by Tori

Sex, to most teens, is weird. Appealing, yes. Intriguing, yes. But weird.

Many teens are slightly weirded out by their bodies. Why is my body doing this? Why do I feel this way? AM I NORMAL?

Your children have few places to go for answers. Scratch that. They have few good places to go – the internet provides hundreds of pornographic resources, but you may not want to rely on those. It falls on you to bring up sex (and arousal, and porn, and masturbation), no matter how awkward it is. If it is awkward for you, think about how awkward it is for your child!

I wish my parents had told me: that getting older doesn’t make it easier to keep sexual boundaries; that sex doesn’t always bring you closer together; that looking at porn makes it harder, not easier, to avoid the “real thing”; that it is more fun when you are older anyway; that sex can ruin relationships even if you don’t get pregnant or an STD….I wish my parents had told me.

CASA study supports family dinners

Posted on by Tori

In light of last week’s blog, there is an interesting report from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. The report, published in September, shows that the more frequently a family eats together, the less likely the children are to become involved with drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. You can download a free copy of the report from CASA’s website.

Suppertime!

Posted on by Tori

It is hard to find time for a busy family to eat together, but it is absolutely necessary. According to research from the Heritage Foundation, teenagers who eat meals with their families experience less emotional distress and are less likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs. Eating is necessary, and eating together gives a family time to get to know each other (by discussing events that happened during the day), time to form memories, and sometimes, time to hash out those really deep issues that can occasionally come up.

How do you do it? Make it a priority! In my family, I knew that I couldn’t hang out with friends during dinner time, unless a friend joined us for dinner. In return, my parents made the effort to be home from work and to cook a meal. We always sat down to eat, and turned off the TV and background music. Then we asked each other questions. Here are some samples:

  • What projects are you currently working on?
  • If we could go anywhere for vacation and money weren’t an issue, where would you want to go?
  • What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
  • What was your highest high and lowest low of the last month?
  • What do you think of X that happened in the news this week?
  • If you were running for president in 2008, what would your platform be?

A final note to remember: everyone has to participate. If parents do all the talking, they seem uninterested in their children, but if they do all the asking, it may seem like they are grilling their children!

Is your daughter beautiful?

Posted on by Tori

Last week, my extended family was together to celebrate Thanksgiving. Among the gathered relatives was my cousin’s daughter Kate, a precious four-year-old. At one point during the day, Kate pulled on her one-year-old cousin’s baby dress and pranced around the living room. You could see her relishing the attention she was getting from everyone!

Then one of the adults in the room started making fun of Kate. Lightly, of course, and not even in a way that Kate would necessarily recognize. But her mother didn’t miss a beat before she said, “Don’t you dare make fun of her. Tell her that she is beautiful now, or some boy will later.”

Kate’s mother went on to explain, “We make sure Kate’s dad tells her she’s beautiful so often, that when she is older, and some guy tries to woo her by telling her she’s pretty, she can say ‘Well that’s nothing new. My daddy tells me that all the time!'”

Kate is only 4. To some, it may sound a little early to already be worrying about boys and sex. But in just six years, Kate will be the age at which most children see porn for the first time. In eight years, Kate will be in middle school and will face challenges in our culture that I can only begin to imagine.

Teasing can be harmless. But ask yourself, have I told my daughter today that she is beautiful? And if you haven’t, who will? Kate may never know how conscientiously her parents tried to shape her into a healthy young woman, but I am confident that the effects of her parents’ diligence will help her long into adulthood.