At the last parent presentation I did, a parent asked for advice on how to talk to a VERY reluctant teen. It seemed that this teen stonewalled, disappeared…in short did anything possible to avoid having any talks about sex and dating. I remembered an insight from the article, referred to in past blogs, about parent-teen conversations about sex. The authors pointed out that some teens may be “embarrassed, uncomfortable, are afraid of tarnishing their parent’s image of them, and do not want to be judged or looked down upon.” With that in mind, and remembering the tactics of some parents in the study, I suggested this strategy: Talk about someone else. It is much easier to discuss “that poor girl who was drinking and driving and killed her best friend who was in the passenger seat” or to mention “Remember Danny, who you used to play with when you were in grade school? I heard his girlfriend had to drop out of school because she’s pregnant.” The conversation (and parental input) can then continue in the context of someone else’s poor choices, in a much less direct way. It is assuredly best to be direct, but for those teens who just can’t bear the embarrassment of talking about such things with Mom or Dad…give the indirect route a shot.
Mistakes We Make in Raising Tweens and Teens
Most of us at some time or another wonder if we’re on the right track in that most-important job we call parenting. I found an article that outlines, in a few short paragraphs, 5 mistakes parents make. To whet your appetite…#1 is the mistake of Expecting the Worst. Interestingly, “Raising teenagers with negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most. According to a recent study conducted at Wake Forest University, teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.” Later in the article, parents are advised, however, not to ignore the “big stuff.” I don’t know about you, but to me it’s quite a balancing act…being savvy about all the risks and temptations facing our kids, while at the same time expressing confidence in their ability to make good choices. My takeaway? Let’s keep at it…we love them too much to think we’ve got it all figured out and can sit back on our heels and rest.
Where all the Children are Above Average
Have you ever noticed that most parents think that schools in OTHER people’s neighborhoods are bad, but theirs gets the highest of marks? Garrison Keillor, the well-known humorist describes the fictional Lake Wobegon as a place where “all the children are above average.” In fact, researchers have even used the phrase “Lake Wobegon effect” to describe the cognitive bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and abilities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others.
This seems to be in effect as well in our perception of our own teens’ sexuality. A recent study indicates that we as parents have a hard time recognizing that our teens may be interested in sex, but we are certain that it’s those other sexually precocious kids that are the ones tempting our innocent young’uns. In fact, “Parents consistently characterized their children as young, immature and naïve.” How can this affect our parenting? For one, we may think it’s not yet time to talk to our children about the birds and the bees, or about dating, or STDs or oral sex. On more than one occasion I have spoken with parents who explain the lack of conversations they’ve had with their teens with phrases such as “not ready,” “not even thinking about girls yet,” “innocent,” etc. And yet, in the classrooms, teens consistently indicate that their parents don’t know the things that they are thinking about and being exposed to. When we note that 30% of 15- to 17-year-olds have had intercourse (and even more have experimented with other forms of sex), it’s not too hard to figure out that we would be wise to recognize that our own little Danielle or Jason probably knows a lot more than we think…and realize that if we want to be the first to introduce a topic (and our values), we need to start sooner than we had expected.
House Rules
House rules let your son or daughter know what you expect. They should be clear and fair. You should expect them to be followed. Your pre-teen or teen might complain, but don’t give in. House rules make your child safe and they help your son or daughter make healthy choices.
Hardly any pre-teen or teen will admit that they like rules. But most really do. Rules make them feel loved and safe. They let them know what they can and can not do. Rules give them an easy reason to tell friends, “No, I can’t do that.” So put up House Rules in your house!
Check out your blog next week for a suggested list of “house rules. So do you a set of house rules for your home?
Free Time
https://www.cpyu.org/Page.aspx?id=76842
The link above is from an article I was reading which I found very interesting.
It’s on the issue of unsupervised “free time” and challenges us as parents to really guard and protect our children. Check it out and let me know what you think!
A Healthy Future
It’s official, a new year has begun. 2010 sounds so futuristic. With that I would like to introduce our new abstinence laser gun. One zap is guaranteed to keep your teen abstinent until marriage or your money back! Wow… I wish it was that simple although we do have a team of scientists working on it ( we will keep you posted!).
So going back to the basics here…. Maybe some readers are not exactly sure who we are and what we stand for. We are an abstinence only – sex and healthy relationships program. We believe that abstinence until marriage is the safest and healthiest option. Why? Well here are just a few examples.
- Abstinence is free and available to all.
- Abstinence is extremely effective at preventing both infection and pregnancy. It is the only 100% effective method of preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancy.
- Abstinence can be practiced at any time in one’s life.
- Abstinence may encourage people to build relationships in other ways.
- Abstinence helps teens gain a new value and respect for marriage.
With all the dangers out in the world today, we want to offer our teens the best options that will secure them a healthy future. This also comes with a better understanding of the other topics that support the message of abstinence. Next week we will go over the supporting topics and why they are important to the message of abstinence.
Do you believe the facts?
The facts:
- Teens rank parents as the #1 influence on their sexual decisions.
- 88 percent of teens say it would be easier to postpone sexual activity if they were able to have more open, honest conversations with their parents.
- 6 out of 10 teens say their parents are their role models for healthy, responsible relationships.
What do you believe? Is this truth?
Do you have what it takes to answer the tough questions your son or daughter has for you?
After examining my own life as a father, I can’t stress enough parental involvement in the lives of our children. This means every area, especially the tough ones. Where is your child getting their information? You have the power to lead, guide and direct? But are you really making a difference?
We want to hear form you, for a lot of reasons. We want to hear what challenges you are facing, we want to hear success stories and also the stories that are heartbreaking. We want you to know we are here to help. Write us back, I am curious to see your responses.
It Takes A Village
I’m sure you have heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s a proverb I think we’ve lost sight of in our culture these days. American families are autonomous – we worry about our own kids, our own lives, but not so much about others’. Oh sure, we might discuss other people’s lives, but do we actually share in the responsibility of caring for their children? Or disciplining them? Usually not.
This article addresses that topic extremely well. Take a look, parents. It doesn’t directly relate to teenagers and sex, but it does talk a lot about setting boundaries and enforcing expectations.
I believe the article is encouraging. It has some great practical examples of boundary setting to use with younger children, and my hope is that the practices mentioned can be transferred over to working with our teens as they deal with more mature discipline or boundary issues.
Basically, parents, it is okay – even good – to pronounce the, “When you’re under my roof, my supervision…” law with your own teens, as well as with their friends. Perhaps if more parents were unafraid to do this, we’d recreate the “village” needed to care for our kids.
Generation Diva
“Much has been made of the oversexualization of today’s tweens. But what hasn’t been discussed is what we might call their “diva-ization”—before they even hit the tween years. Consider this: according to a NEWSWEEK examination of the most common beauty trends, by the time your 10-year-old is 50, she’ll have spent nearly $300,000 on just her hair and face. It’s not that women haven’t always been slaves to their appearance; as Yeats wrote, “To be born woman is to know … that we must labour to be beautiful.” But today’s girls are getting caught up in the beauty maintenance game at ages when they should be learning how to read—and long before their beauty needs enhancing. Twenty years ago, a second grader might have played clumsily with her mother’s lipstick, but she probably didn’t insist on carrying her own lip gloss to school.”
The above excerpt is from a Newsweek article I found earlier this week: Generation Diva: How Our Obsession with Beauty is Changing Our Kids.
The way our culture values beauty and sex appeal, and then encourages that mindset on elementary school age girls, is certainly something to think about. If, at age 7, a girl is worried about body hair, skin, makeup, or her next spa treatment, how is that fascination with her appearance going to play into her thoughts, decisions, and reactions about sex and sexual attraction at a later age?
Click here for the full text.
Mixed Messages
We were recently in a DuPage County high school, conducting a behavioral survey with seniors. Of the students we surveyed, 53% were currently sexually active. When asked if they knew how their parents felt about their choices, 55% said they did not know, or were confused, about their parents’ expectations.
Just after learning those statistics, I came across an excellent article. While it does not talk directly about sex, (and although I did not agree with everything the author said) it does have some important points to make in regards to the mixed messages we as parents sometimes send to our teenage girls.
It’s titled, “Under Pressure: Are Teen Girls Facing Too Much?” You can read it here.
The author states that 25% of our teenage girls are suffering from some sort of serious psychological or physical clinical issues: suicide attempts, depression, violence, self mutilation, etc. His explanation for the staggering statistic – which he believes is on the rise – is that our young girls today are being presented with mixed messages, or what he calls a “Triple Bind (p.2)” Teenage girls today are hearing three conflicting expectations, and are struggling to meet all of them: 1. Excel at being a girl. 2. Excel at some guy stuff too. 3. Fit into culture’s current definition of success in regards to education, life goals, and beauty.
Be a girl, but don’t be just a girl. Their task is impossible. They know this, and although they desire to please society – their parents and teachers – they live under the threat of failure every day. It’s that tension that is leading them into dangerous behaviors.
In my opinion this argument is supported by the statistics above. Think about the messages we send our teenagers regarding abstinence. When I read parent comments after a school or parent program, over 50% of the time I read something like this: “I would love for my teen to choose abstinence, but I live in the real world. So I want her to be smart and use protection.” (Actual parent comment.)
Parents, do you see the connection? “Wait. But use protection.” We think we’re being helpful giving two expectations, but we’re not. We’re confusing our kids. It’s akin to saying, “Okay, honey. You have your driver’s license. I expect you not to drink in high school, but you will. So here, have a beer, and let’s go get behind the wheel and teach you how to drive well while under the influence.”
That may seem a ridiculous example to some, but look again at those percentages. Teenagers in our own county are unsure where their parents stand on the issue of premarital sex and abstinence. Girls who are already feeling myriad pressures to behave correctly must add this cloudy expectation to the pot. “Wait. But use a condom.”
Organizations like CASA and The Heritage Foundation have done studies that show that negative behaviors come in clumps – students that use alcohol, smoke, or hang with teens who do are more likely to become sexually active. (And vice versa.) And those sexually active teens are also more likely to report depression, suicidal attempts, or other dangerous behaviors.
Parents, we need to choose one set of expectations. And then we need to encourage our daughters to believe they can reach them. Perhaps then that 25% will start to decrease.