If you haven’t heard of it already, do some research on “Sally D.” And if your teen is already using it, don’t buy the line, “It’s legal, so it must be safe!”
Here is one source that you can use from the Center for Parent and Youth Understanding.
HPV – throat cancer risk
Many teenagers are tempted to believe that oral sex is not sex. They believe that because oral sex cannot lead to pregnancy, it will also keep them safe from emotional risks and from STDs. Some teenagers are much more likely to engage in oral sex (and to have oral sex with a greater number of partners) than intercourse. Unfortunately, oral sex is just as risky as intercourse when it comes to STDs.
In particular, recent studies show that HPV (known to cause cervical cancer in women) is also a risk factor for throat cancer. Make sure that when you discuss sex and STDs with your teenager, you emphasize that any genital contact (even mouth to genital) increases the risk of contracting an STD.
A word from literature on marriage
I recently came across this excerpt from G.K. Chesterton (printed in Brave New Family, pp. 51-52). It is remarkable to me how something written almost a century ago can still apply so strongly to the culture in which we live. If you have older children, I would challenge and encourage you to share this piece with your child and discuss its implications.
The revolt against vows has been carried in our day even to the extent of a revolt against the typical vow of marriage. It is most amusing to listen to the opponents of marriage on this subject. They appear to imagine that the ideal of constancy was a yoke mysteriously imposed on mankind by the devil, instead of being, as it is, a yoke consistently imposed by all lovers on themselves. They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words – ‘free-love’ – as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free. It is the nature of love to bind itself, and the institution of marriage merely paid the average man the compliment of taking him at his word. Modern sages offer to the lover, with an ill-flavoured grin, the largest liberties and the fullest irresponsibility; but they do not respect him as the old Church respected him; they do not write his oath upon the heavens, as the record of his highest moment. They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.
As we have said, it is exactly this back-door, this sense of having a retreat behind us, that is, to our minds, the sterilizing spirit in modern pleasure. Everywhere there is the persistent and insane attempt to obtain pleasure without paying for it. … Thus in love the free-lovers say: ‘Let us have the splendor of offering ourselves without the peril of committing ourselves; let us see whether one cannot commit suicide an unlimited number of times.’
Discussion questions:
- Chesterton claims that love is by nature self-limiting. How do we see that in marriages, families, or friendships today? What in our culture challenges this notion?
- “They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.” Put another way, modern culture wants to give everyone freedom, but the idea of marriage is to voluntarily give up freedom. How could giving up freedom actually make someone “more free”?
- Chesterton compares free-love to “[committing] suicide an unlimited number of times.” Looking at relationships in pop culture, in your own experience, or in popular films or literature, where do you see examples of this? How is marriage different?
Dream with your child
When we discuss the reasons why teens have sex and the reasons why they wait, one aspect of teen decision-making that frequently comes up is being “goal-oriented.” Teens that believe they have a lot to look forward to in life are much more likely to wait to have sex (and to make countless other positive choices!).
So…dream with your child! Here are some suggestions to get you started:
- When your child wants something, give them a short-term goal to work towards as they “earn” the gift. (Not for every gift, but for some!)
- Ask “dreaming” questions: not just “where do you want to be in 15 years?” but also “What would be the coolest thing that could happen to you at school this year?”
- Teach your child to plan and anticipate by planning and anticipating together. For a daughter, you might plan and shop for a special outfit to wear to a concert, holiday, or event. For a son, you might consider putting together a project to complete, or planning and executing a special meal for the family.
There are endless possibilities. Just keep in mind I want to help my child realize there are tons of things to look forward to in life. You just have to look for them!
Parents who say “NO”
When it comes to sexual choices, do you know what our kids need the most from us as parents? t’s not our friendship. It’s our confidence that they can say “No” to sex when confronted with hormones, peer pressure, and the desire for a relationship. Many voices in our culture say, “They’re going to do it anyway, so let’s help them protect themselves.” But if we give them condoms or get them a prescription for the pill, are we really protecting them? Let’s consider some sobering facts:
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The 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, supplemented by data from other sources, showed that 48% of women with an unintended pregnancy said they were using birth control during the month they got pregnant.
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Some of the most common STDs (HPV, genital herpes, trichomoniasis, and syphilis) are contracted through skin to skin contact or through contact with an infected area. Condoms do not cover the entire genital area and are therefore much less effective in preventing the transmission of these diseases than they are in preventing other less common STDs.
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No condom or pill can protect the hearts of our children. Sexually active teens are more likely to commit suicide, be depressed, struggle in school, and abuse drugs and alcohol.
The American Medical Association reported on a recent study that showed that children whose parents had higher expectations for them had higher school achievement and exhibited less risk-taking behavior. Also, children whose parents disapproved of early sexual activity postponed sexual intercourse. So, because we love them, we need to communicate that we expect them to make the healthiest, safest choice…to say “No” to sexual experimentation, and “Yes” to the future they dream of.
CASA study supports family dinners
In light of last week’s blog, there is an interesting report from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. The report, published in September, shows that the more frequently a family eats together, the less likely the children are to become involved with drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. You can download a free copy of the report from CASA’s website.
Suppertime!
It is hard to find time for a busy family to eat together, but it is absolutely necessary. According to research from the Heritage Foundation, teenagers who eat meals with their families experience less emotional distress and are less likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs. Eating is necessary, and eating together gives a family time to get to know each other (by discussing events that happened during the day), time to form memories, and sometimes, time to hash out those really deep issues that can occasionally come up.
How do you do it? Make it a priority! In my family, I knew that I couldn’t hang out with friends during dinner time, unless a friend joined us for dinner. In return, my parents made the effort to be home from work and to cook a meal. We always sat down to eat, and turned off the TV and background music. Then we asked each other questions. Here are some samples:
- What projects are you currently working on?
- If we could go anywhere for vacation and money weren’t an issue, where would you want to go?
- What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
- What was your highest high and lowest low of the last month?
- What do you think of X that happened in the news this week?
- If you were running for president in 2008, what would your platform be?
A final note to remember: everyone has to participate. If parents do all the talking, they seem uninterested in their children, but if they do all the asking, it may seem like they are grilling their children!
New STD information
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new data on reportable sexually transmitted diseases last Friday. The data from 2006 show an increase in the instances of all three of the main bacterial STDs. Reported chlamydia cases topped 1 million in 2006, the majority of which occurred in females aged 15-19. Gonorrhea showed an increase in the number of drug-resistant cases and syphilis cases increased for the sixth year in a row — among men, the number of cases has risen 54 percent since 2002.
Exposure to these diseases is completely preventable. Talk to your children about the risks of sex and encourage them to remain abstinent until they are married. Remember, these diseases can be transferred through all forms of sexual activity, even when no symptoms are evident.
Here is another summary of the story.
Should my daughter be vaccinated for HPV?
We would love to know what you think on this matter. Please feel free to comment at the end of this post.
Vaccines can be life-savers. They can also cause problems of their own, and they are expensive. You have to decide if the benefits outweigh the risks. Here are some points to consider regarding the HPV vaccine. Continue reading Should my daughter be vaccinated for HPV?