A word from literature on marriage

Posted on by Tori

I recently came across this excerpt from G.K. Chesterton (printed in Brave New Family, pp. 51-52). It is remarkable to me how something written almost a century ago can still apply so strongly to the culture in which we live. If you have older children, I would challenge and encourage you to share this piece with your child and discuss its implications.

 

The revolt against vows has been carried in our day even to the extent of a revolt against the typical vow of marriage. It is most amusing to listen to the opponents of marriage on this subject. They appear to imagine that the ideal of constancy was a yoke mysteriously imposed on mankind by the devil, instead of being, as it is, a yoke consistently imposed by all lovers on themselves. They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words – ‘free-love’ – as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free. It is the nature of love to bind itself, and the institution of marriage merely paid the average man the compliment of taking him at his word. Modern sages offer to the lover, with an ill-flavoured grin, the largest liberties and the fullest irresponsibility; but they do not respect him as the old Church respected him; they do not write his oath upon the heavens, as the record of his highest moment. They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.

As we have said, it is exactly this back-door, this sense of having a retreat behind us, that is, to our minds, the sterilizing spirit in modern pleasure. Everywhere there is the persistent and insane attempt to obtain pleasure without paying for it. … Thus in love the free-lovers say: ‘Let us have the splendor of offering ourselves without the peril of committing ourselves; let us see whether one cannot commit suicide an unlimited number of times.’

Discussion questions:

  1. Chesterton claims that love is by nature self-limiting. How do we see that in marriages, families, or friendships today? What in our culture challenges this notion?
  2. “They give him every liberty except the liberty to sell his liberty, which is the only one that he wants.” Put another way, modern culture wants to give everyone freedom, but the idea of marriage is to voluntarily give up freedom. How could giving up freedom actually make someone “more free”?
  3. Chesterton compares free-love to “[committing] suicide an unlimited number of times.” Looking at relationships in pop culture, in your own experience, or in popular films or literature, where do you see examples of this? How is marriage different?

Dream with your child

Posted on by Tori

When we discuss the reasons why teens have sex and the reasons why they wait, one aspect of teen decision-making that frequently comes up is being “goal-oriented.” Teens that believe they have a lot to look forward to in life are much more likely to wait to have sex (and to make countless other positive choices!).

So…dream with your child! Here are some suggestions to get you started:

  • When your child wants something, give them a short-term goal to work towards as they “earn” the gift. (Not for every gift, but for some!)
  • Ask “dreaming” questions: not just “where do you want to be in 15 years?” but also “What would be the coolest thing that could happen to you at school this year?”
  • Teach your child to plan and anticipate by planning and anticipating together. For a daughter, you might plan and shop for a special outfit to wear to a concert, holiday, or event. For a son, you might consider putting together a project to complete, or planning and executing a special meal for the family.

There are endless possibilities. Just keep in mind I want to help my child realize there are tons of things to look forward to in life. You just have to look for them!

Hope for Marriage

Posted on by Tori

It’s amazing to me that teenagers still want to get married someday…almost all of them! As a Wait 4 Your Mate speaker, I ask middle school students to tell me all the reasons they can think of for NOT waiting for marriage to have sex. Many of the reasons they come up with (and they come up with a lot) have to do with the negatives of marriage itself.

But then I ask, “So, with all that bad stuff, who still thinks they’ll get married some day?” And they almost ALL do! Our children still have a yearning for a love that will endure “for better or for worse.” They describe that relationship as one of respect, trust, and commitment. In fact, they even believe it’s worth waiting for.

You may be surprised to know that the majority of the students we survey say that they want to wait for marriage to have sex. Interestingly, most of us parents (maybe because we ourselves may not have waited?) don’t hold the same hope and expectation for our kids. But SHOULD we just assume that they’ll “do it anyway”? Maybe not. Less than half of teens are having sex according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And when we ask them which would be better for marriage, being abstinent beforehand, or being “experienced,” they choose abstinence. Why? Because they think it encourages the three qualities they want most in a marriage: respect, trust and commitment. So let’s join our kids in holding out for the best! They CAN do it, with our support.

Why Marriage?

Posted on by Tori

Recently I was talking to a group of about 15 teenagers ranging from ages 13-17 about marriage. I asked them what they thought of marriage and if they wanted to get married someday. What I found was very interesting, to say the least.

One young man, whom we’ll refer to as “J” said “Yes, I want to get married.” When asked “Why?” he replied, “Because I see how happy my mom and dad are and I want that for myself.” I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s awesome. These are the types of statements that I wish parents could hear.” Continue reading Why Marriage?

What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them!

Posted on by Tori

As an Abstinence Educator who speaks to over 10,000 students every year, it amazes me the kinds of comments I receive from students in response to the questions I ask. What I’ve found shocking are the idealistic views that students have about sex. During one of the sessions we ask students “What are the benefits of having sex before marriage versus after marriage?” I’m sure you’re not surprised that we get a lot of answers for the “before marriage” side. The most valid reasons that students use are “To bring a relationship closer together” or similarly “To strengthen a relationship.” Wow… Continue reading What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them!