Positive vs. Negative Attention

I had the pleasure of observing one of our parent educators teach a workshop yesterday. During the hour or so that I was there, a very interesting question came up. Our educator was discussing healthy dating strategies with the parents, and one parent raised her hand and inquired, “What do you do when your teenage daughter believes negative attention is better than no attention at all?” (In other words, what do you do if you see your daughter dating guys that treat her poorly, simply because she feels that any boyfriend is better than none?)

 Great question – and our educator handled it beautifully. His answer was twofold. First, surround your teenager with positive attention. Second, help her identify the consequences of negative attention.

Positive Attention: Parents, first you may want to ask yourselves why your teenage daughter is seeking out attention in the first place. Can you see where she feels as though positive attention is lacking in her life? Make an effort to fill that void. Learn her love language (see Gary Chapman’s book here) and use it to encourage her. Make an effort to spend time with her. (If you feel very busy, start with small chunks of time – a car ride here, a cup of coffee there.) Choose one of her hobbies or pastimes in which to take special interest. Cheer her on. Take stock of the media in your house and the body and relationship messages that are being communicated to your daughter. Does something need to be eliminated?

Identify Consequences of Negative Attention: Your daughter may not be able to see the consequences of negative attention in her own life, but she may be able to identify it in her peers or in the media around her. As you spend time together, ask open ended questions (not directed at herlife) that will help her see the truth. Questions like, “Why does SoAndSo spend time with her if they aren’t friends?” or, “Why do you think That TV Character keeps dating him?” Listen to her answers first, and withhold that parental advice until she seems open to hearing it. Perhaps you will be able to transition into more personal topics and give personal advice after you’ve gained her trust as a good listener.

Parents of tweens and younger – it’s never to early to start surrounding your kids with positive attention! The sooner they recognize and appreciate that, the sooner they will shy away from the negative!

Hooked

Parents,

There’s an excellent resource out there, one that’s fairly new on the bookshelves. It’s a book called Hooked, written by Dr. Joe Mcilhaney and Dr. Freda Bush. It’s a study on how casual sex (i.e. the rampant “hook up” culture that exists today) affects teenagers and young adults.

These doctors study the brain’s activity, specifically in relation to what happens to people as they engage in sexual activity. The results are rather astounding.

 It’s an easy read, something you should definitely check out. If you are curious to hear more, check out this article here that lists other books written along the same line.

Friends with benefits for whom?

An astute parent will already be familiar with the term “friend with benefits.” Being friends with benefits means sharing either a short- or long-term “agreement” to be physically intimate but to withhold any deeper social or emotional connection or commitment. The tamest version would be a “cuddle buddy”: that person you go to when you’re in the mood for affection, but you don’t want to have to go on a date with them later that weekend. You smile, you spoon, everyone goes home happy.

A friend with benefits can also be someone (a warm body) used for physical pleasure or sexual release – by mutual agreement, mind you – but with the additional agreement that, “We’re just friends. We don’t go on dates, we’re not exclusive. We are friends who are there to do favors for each other, the way friends do, but I wouldn’t tell you any more about my hopes and dreams than I would the guy I study with in homeroom.”

Sound weird? Or does it does it sound ideal? Sexual release is pleasant, and if we can just agree on its terms, why not both enjoy it? You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.

If you can’t spot the major pitfalls yourself, let me just point out that “in a study of 6,500 sexually active adolescents, sexually active teenage girls were more than three times more likely to be depressed, and nearly three times as likely to have had a suicide attempt, than girls who were not sexually active.”*

Girls’ Sex Boundaries

A great article appeared this week from Connect with Kids.

Points of interest from the article include the fact that teenage sexuality, according to some studies from the Center for Disease Control, has actually decreased, thanks in part to abstinence programs and positive messages about self-esteem.

The article also includes some tips for parents, so scroll all the way to the bottom!

Sex won’t hold it together…

As a parent, it is important that you dispell many of the myths that your child could believe about sex and relationships. Here’s a fact for you to discuss with your teen:

Eight out of ten first time teen sexual relationships last six months or less, and one quarter are only one-time occurances. That is according to surveys done by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.

Sadly, sex does not increase the commitment in a relationship and “taking a relationship to the next level” usually means taking it one step closer to a break-up. Make sure your teen knows that sex won’t hold a relationship together.

Great Expectations

Recently I had a conversation with a parent about how he should discuss sex with his teenage son. His dilemma is one that I’ve heard from many parents just like him. To begin, I asked “What do you want for your son as far as sex is concerned?” His response, like so many other parents, was “Well, I’d like for him to wait for sex until marriage but I know that’s unrealistic.” When asked why he thought that was unrealistic he replied “Well, everybody’s doing it these days. And besides, I can’t expect him to wait…I didn’t.” Continue reading Great Expectations

What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them!

As an Abstinence Educator who speaks to over 10,000 students every year, it amazes me the kinds of comments I receive from students in response to the questions I ask. What I’ve found shocking are the idealistic views that students have about sex. During one of the sessions we ask students “What are the benefits of having sex before marriage versus after marriage?” I’m sure you’re not surprised that we get a lot of answers for the “before marriage” side. The most valid reasons that students use are “To bring a relationship closer together” or similarly “To strengthen a relationship.” Wow… Continue reading What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them!