Do Teens Listen to Their Parents?

Hey Parents! So, we’re back at the office talking about teenagers and brainstorming on tips for how to reach them. Time and time again we have this conversation. It’s kind of funny though, because in the end we come up with the same thing, the best way to reach teens is through conversation!

In a conference attended by a colleague and me, a presenter was explaining the importance of communication between parent and child. Within her presentation she said something very profound, “Parents tend to underestimate their ability to influence their teen’s choices and overestimate the influence of friends and the media. Teens continue to say that parents most influence their decisions.”

What’s your opinion? Do you believe this to be true? If so, what can parents do to encourage communication? If not, what can we do to work around the barriers or push past the obstacles?

Like Mother, Like Daughter

My first year of college, I did what most college kids do – I put on a few pounds. By no means did I gain the “Freshman 15” (although I probably had by sophomore year), but I was definitely a few pounds heavier. I remember coming home over Thanksgiving to spend time with my family. I was wearing a big baggy sweater and a pair of jeans. As we were preparing the meal for the day, my mother had me running to and fro, cleaning things, organizing the house, etc. At one point she asked me to reach to the top of a shelf to grab a serving bowl or some such thing. As I stretched, my sweater lifted and revealed my waistline. And from behind me I heard my mother say, “Wow, honey! Jeans a bit snug?” I was absolutely horrified. I felt wounded. Twelve years later, I still have not forgotten that moment.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my mother very much. She’s supportive, loving, easy-going. She is, most probably, the best friend I have in the world. But she has always had opinions about beauty and body type. Our family has a very specific build. From when I was very small, I was told I had the “family chin” and “family behind”. I figured these were unattractive things.  I was also told that I would never have truly nice legs – they just didn’t “run in the family”. Imagine my surprise and my complete delight when, once we were happily married, my husband told me he loved my legs and my rear end.

I found an article today that I want to share with you. It interested me because in less than 2 months my husband and I will be joined by our first baby girl. I constantly wonder what it will be like to have a daughter. It also called to mind all of the above memories and comments I shared. This article talks about the necessity of mothers having a healthy body image, so that they can communicate that to their daughters. It also talks about letting your daughter be an individual, and what a struggle that can be. Check out the full text here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30457264/

4A’s of Effective Parenting

It’s funny to me how I never tire of hearing the words, “I love you.” I’m an auditory person – I love verbal praise and encouragement. I may know I have done something well, but I love it when those nearest and dearest to me confirm it to me in a very specific way.

That said, today, parents, I thought I’d post a page from our Parenting Abstinent Teens presentation. It’s concise, and although I’m sure many of you know the common sense of the advice, it’s a good reminder.

  • Affection: “I love you.”
  • Affirmation: “You are valuable.”
  • Advice: “Let me share with you.”
  • Accountability: “What happened?”

Teens need all four of these areas of their lives addressed. Don’t be afraid to speak out, parents. Feel like they’re rebelling? They still need to know of your love. Do they seem egotistical? Share with them what their real value is. Think they’re overly independent? See our earlier post (Brains & Beauty) on sharing wisdom. Remember that all kids need boundaries. State them clearly. Hold your teen accountable to his or her actions. Believe it or not, they actually prefer the freedom to move within a limit, over no boundaries at all.

Brains & Beauty

Every week when I set out to post for our parents, I find tons of pertinent information I could share. Every week I have to decide how to narrow it down. It’s hard sometimes. Do I share the positive, or the negative?

 This week I couldn’t make up my mind. So, I’m sharing information from two different sites.

 1. “Brains”: For parents who dearly want to encourage their kids away from the same mistakes they made as teens, but are unsure how how much to share, check out Teen Shift: Episode 16 here. Scroll down a bit and listen to the podcast on how to best answer the question, “What did you do when you were my age?” (All you have to do is click the Play arrow.) Andrew Robinson gives some great advice to parents and teachers. Be encouraged!

2. “Beauty”: For parents with teen daughters, check out the article The Skinny On 90210 here. Whether you allow your teen daughter to watch the show or not, it’s a good article revealing how body image (and clothing styles & perceptions of modesty) has changed over the past 15-20 years. Be sure to watch the video interview of teens’ thoughts on body image. It will encourage you to tell your daughter she’s beautiful!

Parents, Talk, & TV

I received this information from a friend who receives information from The Heritage Foundation. The study below will link you to another site called www.familyfacts.org. Check it out for real, scientific, up-to-date information on youth culture.

Parents & Teen Sex

1. Delayed sexual behavior. Youths who report higher quality relationships with their mothers and who feel their mothers highly disapprove of their having sex are more likely to delay sexual activityfull details 

2. Reduction in teen pregnancy. Adolescent girls who feel that their mothers highly disapprove of their having sex and say that they had a very good relationship with their mothers are less likely than other peers to become pregnant. full details

3. Reduction in number of sexual partners.  On average, youths who feel that their mothers hold more liberal views on teen sexual activity have more sexual partners than peers who believe their mothers hold less liberal views on teen sex. full details

4. Youth sexual activity.  Teen girls who say they have a close relationship with their fathers are less likely to become sexually active. full details

5. Youth abstinence.  Adolescents whose parents discuss what is right and wrong in sexual behavior are more likely to remain abstinent than peers who do not have such talks with their parents.  full details  

6. Parent/child discussions.  In spite of peers’ behavior that would encourage sexual activity, adolescents who engage in discussions with their parents about sex are less likely to be sexually active or have fewer partners than youth who do not have such talks with their parents. full details  

7. Delayed sexual behavior. Adolescent girls whose mothers communicate with their friends’ parents tend to become sexually active at a later age. full details

8. Risky behavior.  Teens who are closely monitored by their parents are less likely to take risks regarding sexual behavior. full details  

9. Parental rules.  Adolescents whose parents set clear rules are less likely to have had sexual intercourse than peers whose parents did not. full details 

10. Setting limits.  Teens whose parents set limits on their television viewing or watch television with them are less likely to initiate sexual activity. full details

Have you talked about sex lately?

I recently spoke with a parent who had been very conscientious about talking to his daughters about boys and sex. He said, “I wanted them to know how special they are and that they don’t need to use sex to get love.” Then he said, “Unfortunately, I kind of dropped the ball with my son.” I asked what he meant, and he said that the topic of sex had just “never come up.”

 

I think the problem inherent in the above situation is clear: how can we be so concerned about protecting our daughters from boys that we ignore our sons — who are becoming the very men from whom we try to protect our daughters? Eventually, we will need to shatter the myth that women are the gatekeepers of healthy sexuality in our society.

 

Right now, though, I understand that it is difficult to discuss sex with your teenage son. So here’s one way to start: “A lot of stars in the media are getting pregnant. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you got a girl pregnant?” Then some follow up: “What do you think most guys in your school would do?” “Where do you think the problem begins? When a girl gets pregnant, or before that?” “What problems does sex bring to a relationship even without a pregnancy?” And now, it is your turn to set the record straight. Clearly state your expectations for your son regarding sexual activity.

Can We Talk?

While recently at a high school presenting abstinence to a class of about 25 seniors, I asked the question, “How many of your parents have seriously talked to you about sex?” A weird silence came over the room as students looked around the classroom to see only two people raise their hands. The students with their hands down lowered their heads as if they were ashamed to admit that their parents hadn’t talked to them. Houston…we have a problem!

Okay, let’s be honest parents. Talking to your kids about sex is not the most comfortable thing in the world. As a matter of fact, wearing your high school football jersey or cheerleading uniform that fit you 30 pounds ago may be more comfortable. However, if you’re waiting on them to come to you to spark the conversation, you can count on being a grandparent first. Continue reading Can We Talk?

New statistics reveal teens listen

Did you know that when we talk to our teens about sex and relationships, they are listening to us? A new report released by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy reveals the following statistics:

  • Most teens (64%) say they share their parents values about sex. That means that despite the teenage penchant for rebellion, most teens are learning from you and adopting your beliefs. The standards that you set will make a difference. Continue reading New statistics reveal teens listen