At the last parent presentation I did, a parent asked for advice on how to talk to a VERY reluctant teen. It seemed that this teen stonewalled, disappeared…in short did anything possible to avoid having any talks about sex and dating. I remembered an insight from the article, referred to in past blogs, about parent-teen conversations about sex. The authors pointed out that some teens may be “embarrassed, uncomfortable, are afraid of tarnishing their parent’s image of them, and do not want to be judged or looked down upon.” With that in mind, and remembering the tactics of some parents in the study, I suggested this strategy: Talk about someone else. It is much easier to discuss “that poor girl who was drinking and driving and killed her best friend who was in the passenger seat” or to mention “Remember Danny, who you used to play with when you were in grade school? I heard his girlfriend had to drop out of school because she’s pregnant.” The conversation (and parental input) can then continue in the context of someone else’s poor choices, in a much less direct way. It is assuredly best to be direct, but for those teens who just can’t bear the embarrassment of talking about such things with Mom or Dad…give the indirect route a shot.
I Am the Center of My Universe
I just read about an English teacher at a prestigious public high school in Philadelphia who was suspended from her job for posting this on her blog: “My students are out of control. They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. ” Since I love teens, I found it disturbing that anyone would be teaching who felt this way. But, truth be told, when parents talk to one another, they sometimes guiltily express the same kind of frustration.
This isn’t new. I can still remember my shock when my normally patient mother whipped a couple of quarters in my direction for lunch money after I complained that she had made my sandwich with rye instead of white bread. I am certain that this event followed a long string of self-centered, narcissistic behaviors on my part. I’ve tried to remember this when faced with sometimes obstreperous* teens
But have teens risen to a new level of self-centeredness? Some experts think so. In the January 2010 issue of the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, researchers concluded that there has been a pronounced rise in narcissism among young people. One group of college students, over a 15 year period, went from 18% to 34% evidencing narcissistic personality traits. So, why is this happening? According to an article discussing this research, “Theories implicate parents, teachers and the media, which either allow or celebrate overly permissive attitudes toward individualism, and lead to an inflated and unwarranted sense of self-importance.”
Parents, we can be part of correcting this tendency, or at least we can purpose not to feed into it. When our kids do wrong, love them, but let them experience the consequences. No special pleading with teachers when Nathan gets a D due to laziness or poor planning. When Lupe misses the bus for the third time, let her pay to take a cab, My wise mother let my sister learn her lesson by doing this very thing. It won’t be long before our teens enter the real world…the one where they do not occupy the center of the universe. Our job is to prepare them.
*I love using new words. This one means “resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly.”
Foul language more frequent
A teacher recently told me how appalled she was at the language she’d heard a student use in the school parking lot toward his mother. Yep…it was the “F” word. And mom didn’t say a thing, but took it.
Many of us have noticed an increased tolerance among young people for foul language. What isn’t clear is what role media may play in the increased use of crude language in everyday society. Is it that media is following a trend already in existence in society, or is media leading the way? What IS clear is that there has been a dramatic increase in crude language and swearing in the media. A study showed, among other things, that the use of the muted or bleeped “F” word increase 2,409% from 2005 to 2010! Other finding were that crude anatomical references doubled or tripled (depending on the word).
You might want to encourage your child to take take a stand (and maybe increase his or her intelligence a few IQ points at the same time) by NOT resorting to cussing. A boy started a No Cussing Club at his middle school in 2007, and has seen the idea spread throughout the world. He’s even been on Jay Leno! Why not forward a link to the club’s website to your teen? It might start on interesting conversation about the kind of language your child has been hearing among his or her peers.
What makes a teen want to be abstinent?
A study done in 2001 that followed 1,112 teens over a period of four years, found out some interesting things about teens and sex.
- the majority of abstinent teens said they were virgins because they were afraid of getting a disease or getting pregnant rather than because of conservative or religious philosophies against having sex before marriage;
- rural teens were not more likely to be abstinent that urban teens; and
- compared to sexually active teens, abstinent teens could list more reasons why virginity was important.
I have a few thoughts about these findings. First, while we don’t want to rely on fear alone to keep our kids abstinent, maybe the dad who told me about sitting down with his son and showing him pictures of STD infections on the internet was on to something. With 1 in 4 sexually active teens getting an STD, might a little fear be a useful tool? Second, we shouldn’t be naive and think that it’s only those city kids, not our nice suburban kids, who are having sex. Third, we need to make sure our kids are well-versed in the many reasons why abstinence is a good choice. Why not sit down and brainstorm reasons with your teen? They may get it that pregnancy and STDs are not a good thing, but have they thought about how choosing abstinence can foster self-control and self-respect? How a relationship can grow stronger when love is expressed creatively in other ways? One of our educators used to draw a line up on the board and have the students come up with Pros and Cons. I can imagine a conversation that goes something like this: “Honey, with all the pressures teens are facing these days, some of your friends are going to become sexually active, and maybe even pressure you to “do it” too. I’ve seen you make so many great choices, and I know you can make healthy decisions in this area too. But it’s tough to stand up for yourself if you haven’t thought through what you believe and what you’re going to say ahead of time. I thought maybe we could do a Pro/Con list on the question of whether or not teens should have sex.”
Teen Ethics Report Card…D’s and F’s
A recent comprehensive national survey on the ethics of our nation’s youth revealed a shocking lack of morals. It is disheartening to know that among high school students, in the last 12 months:
- Nearly two-thirds (71 percent) admit they cheated on an exam at least once
- Almost all (92 percent) lied to their parents
- Over two-thirds (78 percent) lied to a teacher
- Forty percent of males and 30 percent of females say they stole something from a store
What does this mean to us as parents and other caring adults? First, we can’t naively assume that teens are telling us the truth. Certainly, we want to believe the best, but it behooves us to have our parental antennae out for suspicious behaviors, or cagey answers. When it comes to behaviors that threaten emotional and physical health (like sexual experimentation, smoking, drinking and drugs) we may want to put our teens’ health above our desire to respect their privacy. Yes, that means it may be OK to snoop, especially when a teen is insisting on too much privacy, or is acting suspiciously. Second, it’s time to have serious conversations about all sorts of ethical issues. The online article reporting on this survey gives some guidelines that are really helpful.
If you assume that the school is covering these character issues, well, they may be. But it’s not going to have nearly the same impact as a conversation with you. Mentoring with an eye toward ethical adulthood is still best done by a caring adult. Go on a walk after dinner, take an example from the news (there’s always some politician or media star acting badly), or tell a story from your youth as a conversation starter. Be creative. Help your child gain the backbone he or she needs to shine in a generation that too often doesn’t seem to know right from wrong.
Inspiration
Hey parents ! Just wanted to take a moment to share something inspiring that took place the other week. It’s not to often that we receive feedback from students or see the fruit of our labor. In this line of work… it is truly awesome to get a response like this.
“you came to my school last week with your wife and told us your story I’d rather not give my name, but thank you so much you and your wife’s story changed my life. To see every cause happen to real people was amazing. I’m sorry all of this happened but thank you both for sharing your story!! It honestly did change my life … Thanks again 🙂 “
Wow! I hope that this lifts your spirits and gives you hope that there are kids out there who are watching and listening to what we are saying. If you have an inspiring story you would like to share, please contact us @
Like Mother, Like Daughter
My first year of college, I did what most college kids do – I put on a few pounds. By no means did I gain the “Freshman 15” (although I probably had by sophomore year), but I was definitely a few pounds heavier. I remember coming home over Thanksgiving to spend time with my family. I was wearing a big baggy sweater and a pair of jeans. As we were preparing the meal for the day, my mother had me running to and fro, cleaning things, organizing the house, etc. At one point she asked me to reach to the top of a shelf to grab a serving bowl or some such thing. As I stretched, my sweater lifted and revealed my waistline. And from behind me I heard my mother say, “Wow, honey! Jeans a bit snug?” I was absolutely horrified. I felt wounded. Twelve years later, I still have not forgotten that moment.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my mother very much. She’s supportive, loving, easy-going. She is, most probably, the best friend I have in the world. But she has always had opinions about beauty and body type. Our family has a very specific build. From when I was very small, I was told I had the “family chin” and “family behind”. I figured these were unattractive things. I was also told that I would never have truly nice legs – they just didn’t “run in the family”. Imagine my surprise and my complete delight when, once we were happily married, my husband told me he loved my legs and my rear end.
I found an article today that I want to share with you. It interested me because in less than 2 months my husband and I will be joined by our first baby girl. I constantly wonder what it will be like to have a daughter. It also called to mind all of the above memories and comments I shared. This article talks about the necessity of mothers having a healthy body image, so that they can communicate that to their daughters. It also talks about letting your daughter be an individual, and what a struggle that can be. Check out the full text here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30457264/
It Takes A Village
I’m sure you have heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s a proverb I think we’ve lost sight of in our culture these days. American families are autonomous – we worry about our own kids, our own lives, but not so much about others’. Oh sure, we might discuss other people’s lives, but do we actually share in the responsibility of caring for their children? Or disciplining them? Usually not.
This article addresses that topic extremely well. Take a look, parents. It doesn’t directly relate to teenagers and sex, but it does talk a lot about setting boundaries and enforcing expectations.
I believe the article is encouraging. It has some great practical examples of boundary setting to use with younger children, and my hope is that the practices mentioned can be transferred over to working with our teens as they deal with more mature discipline or boundary issues.
Basically, parents, it is okay – even good – to pronounce the, “When you’re under my roof, my supervision…” law with your own teens, as well as with their friends. Perhaps if more parents were unafraid to do this, we’d recreate the “village” needed to care for our kids.
Positive vs. Negative Attention
I had the pleasure of observing one of our parent educators teach a workshop yesterday. During the hour or so that I was there, a very interesting question came up. Our educator was discussing healthy dating strategies with the parents, and one parent raised her hand and inquired, “What do you do when your teenage daughter believes negative attention is better than no attention at all?” (In other words, what do you do if you see your daughter dating guys that treat her poorly, simply because she feels that any boyfriend is better than none?)
Great question – and our educator handled it beautifully. His answer was twofold. First, surround your teenager with positive attention. Second, help her identify the consequences of negative attention.
Positive Attention: Parents, first you may want to ask yourselves why your teenage daughter is seeking out attention in the first place. Can you see where she feels as though positive attention is lacking in her life? Make an effort to fill that void. Learn her love language (see Gary Chapman’s book here) and use it to encourage her. Make an effort to spend time with her. (If you feel very busy, start with small chunks of time – a car ride here, a cup of coffee there.) Choose one of her hobbies or pastimes in which to take special interest. Cheer her on. Take stock of the media in your house and the body and relationship messages that are being communicated to your daughter. Does something need to be eliminated?
Identify Consequences of Negative Attention: Your daughter may not be able to see the consequences of negative attention in her own life, but she may be able to identify it in her peers or in the media around her. As you spend time together, ask open ended questions (not directed at herlife) that will help her see the truth. Questions like, “Why does SoAndSo spend time with her if they aren’t friends?” or, “Why do you think That TV Character keeps dating him?” Listen to her answers first, and withhold that parental advice until she seems open to hearing it. Perhaps you will be able to transition into more personal topics and give personal advice after you’ve gained her trust as a good listener.
Parents of tweens and younger – it’s never to early to start surrounding your kids with positive attention! The sooner they recognize and appreciate that, the sooner they will shy away from the negative!
The Teen Brain: More on Morality
Hi Parents,
A few posts ago I blogged about a recent study that talked about teens’ moral practices and their sense of self. Today I found another article that expanded on that topic a bit, focusing specifically on how teens’ brains develop morality in the first place. Here’s an excerpt:
“What has gone wrong? The commission began with a vital question: How do human beings develop a moral compass and strong character in the first place? Instead of answering from a therapeutic or “treatment” perspective, it started by examining the latest brain science.
According to the report, recent brain research indicates that children require two kinds of connections to flourish. First, they need strong, stable bonds with family and adults in the larger community. Second, they need a vision of life that offers meaning and purpose.
Our kids are failing to thrive, in good measure, because the social institutions that used to provide both kinds of connections have weakened in recent decades.”
What do you think? To see the whole article, click here.